Category: Transforming Pain

RIP Stella

Published on May 15, 2024

I could tell you about her gorgeous fur, kind eyes, and how her butt shaked when she greeted you.

I could tell you about the rituals she loved most—from morning poops, to house sprints when the mailman (finally) arrived, to evening walks… the ones we took religiously and only ever missed one handful of times.

I could tell you about how much she hated other dogs, but how much she loved other people—and how much I could relate to that, but only flipped in reverse.

I could tell you about the time she busted through the front window and aggressively chased a little dog named Rupert and in the same breath tell you about how god damn good she was—an absolute angel who spent most of her days alone, while I worked, and patiently kept herself preoccupied, radiating with love, keeping the house warm for my return.

I could tell you about how it was just her and I… how it was we who made our house into a home… and how proud I was to have her as a dog and companion… how proud I was to introduce her and show her off to everyone I knew.

…But I know that, to those of you who never met her, she’ll only ever be just another dog.

Which is okay. I wouldn’t wish grief on any of you.

…But do me a favor and remember: the difference between Stella and you, and Stella and me, is the time we spent together—something that can’t be explained or substituted—something that’ll be just as true for you and yours, and them and me.

Why I Force Myself To Write Daily

Published on May 12, 2024

I’m struggling to come up with a topic to write about today.

And part of me wonders… wouldn’t it be better to write and publish only if I have something potent and juicy enough to share?

…Like, why force myself to write something every… single… day?

And then the other part of me remembers… there isn’t a day I write that I don’t struggle.

It’s rare that I ever sit down to write and know exactly what I want to say or exactly what story I want to share.

And even on those days… I don’t think I would recognize the insights or stories as they unfolded in my day if I didn’t have an obligation to myself to write… if I didn’t have my daily time block and space… if I didn’t force myself to look inward and be patient as my mind settles…

And what never ceases to amaze me is where that little bit of forced inner work leads me… like how I arrived here… with this one minute daily piece typed out… a staple in the legacy of my writing… a gift that just might be well received… something made from nothing…

And something that definitely never would’ve been… if I left it up to “when I feel like it” or “when I have something potent and juicy enough to share.”

When Life Is Fair

Published on April 30, 2024

“If life is fair, and it will be, it will serve you immeasurable beauties, joys and pleasures—you will feel at times that you do not have the capacity to take them in. You will. Our hearts they are boundless. If life is fair, and it will be, it will bring you huge, merciless sorrows. Devastations of your boundless heart. I wish for you the grace to persevere and accept them across time, for that is the only way these kinds of things can be taken in.”
Dan Weiss

While it is undeniably true that life is unfair in the circumstances into which we are born (i.e. socioeconomic status, parents, access to resources, etc), and in how some people are born into and taken from this world without a fighting chance, it’s also true that for most of us, life is fair in how we’re all going to feel the entire spectrum of human emotions.

…We’re each going to feel joy and pleasure just as we’re each going to feel sorrow and devastation. We’re each going to feel the mesmerizing beauty of love just as we’re each going to feel the heart-wrenching pain of loss. We’re each going to feel grateful and sentimental; nervous and insecure; jealous and enraged; lonely and shameful; amazed and confused; euphoric and peaceful…

…Not at the same times and not in equal proportions, but in full nonetheless. So when you’re thriving, soak it all the way in. And when you’re struggling, remember, you’re never alone. And just because you’re feeling something different than us, doesn’t mean we won’t or don’t feel that, too. Be patient and be kind…

…Because on this front—life is fair.

Fixing Feelings

Published on April 18, 2024

I started uploading quotes from Crying In H Mart by Michelle Zauner this week to MoveMe Quotes. And one of the quotes I uploaded today was:

“Sometimes my grief feels as though I’ve been left alone in a room with no doors. Every time I remember that my mother is dead, it feels like I’m colliding with a wall that won’t give. There’s no escape, just a hard surface that I keep ramming into over and over, a reminder of the immutable reality that I will never see her again.”

…I’m sure you’ve had moments in your life when people were sharing feelings of grief and you didn’t know how to reply.

What occurred to me as I was reading this today was, if she was explaining this feeling to me directly… this deep, complex, very personal feeling… there’s nothing to explain back.

There’s nothing to fix. There’s nothing to cure. There’s nothing to correct.

There’s no need for any kind of worldly insight or prognosis.

What should be offered in response is simply space.

A space that’s warm. A space that’s supportive. A space that’s patient.

…A space where that person and his/her feelings can fully be.

Because oftentimes, in our relentless pursuit of happiness, we mistakingly believe that grief or pain or sadness is something that should be avoided, cured, or suppressed. And with the world’s insight available to us in just a few thumb taps, it can be tempting to want to curate some type of wise, logical, rational response. When really, it’s this very process of giving ourselves and our feelings space to breathe that we give ourselves what we’re really after in life… depth.

Don’t Let Your Strength Weaken The Ones Around You

Published on April 13, 2024

Sometimes (oftentimes) the best thing you can do to help the people around you grow… is less.

…Yes, lead by example.

…Yes, do for others what you would want done for you.

…Yes, offer support, take initiative, and maintain a strong work ethic.

But, also…

…Share the hard(er) work, large(r) opportunities, and high(er) pressure situations.

…Give people space to explore, experiment, and figure things out on their own.

…Allow people to struggle and mess up and fail.

Growth happens outside our zones of comfort. And if we keep the people around us too comfortable (by doing much of the uncomfortable work)—contrary to what we might see as a service to them—what we’re actually doing to them is a disservice.

Because while being comfortable is what we think we want in any given moment (and what we might think we want from the people around us/working with us)… what we actually want is to do something we can be proud of… something that challenged us and made us better… something that helped us realize our potential.

And sometimes (oftentimes) that only happens when the stronger people around us… do less.

P.s. Borrowing Strength Builds Weakness – A Lesson From My 104 Year Old Grandmother

I Am Relaxation; I Am Here; I Am Now

Published on March 2, 2024

I struggled for a while to find the words today.

I stared at the blank screen. I went for a walk. I tried pressuring myself. I tried referencing old writing ideas… I even tried replaying old experiences in my mind.

And to no avail.

It wasn’t until after two-ish hours that I caught a whiff of a potential takeaway…

Struggling to uncover what’s inner is never time wasted—so long as you stay true to the struggle.

…The thoughts I had to go to certain websites for inner inspiration were nothing more than distractions leading me away from my inner focus.

And the thoughts I had to pressure myself so that I could more quickly squeeze the inner were cheap attempts that only resulted in juice from superficial layers.

And the thoughts I had to expand on old thoughts fell short because I was no longer connected to that frame of mind—faded inner experiences.

It was just before I started (finally) writing this piece that I found myself repeating the following lines as personal writing advice: “I am not this tension; I am not these distractions; I am not these words of yesterday.”

“I am relaxation; I am here; I am now.”

“…And what do I honestly have to say about it?”

Like Body Like Mind

Published on February 26, 2024

What you do for yourself when you’re physically sick are the same kinds of things you should do for yourself when you’re mentally sick.

…And I don’t mean mentally sick as in innately twisted or morally malevolent… I mean just temporarily “under the weather” and like you’ve been infiltrated by some kind of “virus of the mind” if you will.

This could happen from being overworked and exhausted, from a hurtful comment from someone you love, from the loss of someone important to you… etc.

Being mentally “under the weather” might sound like:

“I’m worthless”
“I can’t do anything right”
“Nothing I do is ever enough”
“I’m a bad person/friend/parent/spouse”
“There is so much more I should’ve done, but didn’t do”

What are the doctor’s orders when physically sick?

Rest (including time away from normal obligations like school or work)
Hydrate (so your body can keep things moving smoothly throughout your body—including the defeated sickness cells after our immune system is done with them)
Maybe medicine if the symptoms get bad enough (things to either add immune system support or help you endure the pain/discomfort of the symptoms)

And what might we do to deal with a virus of the mind?

Rest (including time away from people/places/things that might’ve infected your mind in the first place.
Hydrate (by keeping fresh, mentally hydrating thoughts pouring in from high-quality sources)
Maybe “medicine” if the symptoms persist or get bad enough (getting mental immune system support by having conversations with insightful friends, loved ones, or a therapist)—which I’d say is about as close to “mind medicine” that isn’t actually mind medicine as it gets.