Category: Understanding Love

Last week I had someone reach out and towards the end of their message say, “…I’m really just trying to find motivation to be alive much less be healthy and focus on myself. My family is the only incentive I’ve got lately and I constantly feel like I’m failing them.”

And this was coming from somebody who devotes almost everything to their family. From the moment they wake up until the moment they go to bed, it’s all about providing for, supporting, and being with their family.

…And yet, when family members are still struggling, I can see how somebody could get the feeling they’re failing them.

And so I replied to that part of the message with the following, “You are an incredible support and strength to your family. Even if you sometimes don’t feel it. And the time, energy, and effort you put into them is the very currency that love is made of. And while it might not feel like it’s being received, I can promise you it is.”

And the reason I can say that so confidently is because I imagine the family’s life without this person in it. And from that meditative perspective, it all falls apart. Unquestionably. And only more significantly and tragically so if this person was lost in a tragic way.

The familial success, in this case, is the currency that keeps getting reinvested back into the family. The time. The energy. The effort. It’s the most valuable currency of any family. And when those within are committed to reinvesting back in such constructive and positive ways… how could the result not be successful?

…Especially in comparison to the opposite scenario.

A life tip: If there’s something you want to do, and the people in your life don’t want to do it with you—do it anyway… do it solo.

…Why?

Because that’s the very place where you meet the people who want to do those kinds of things with you.

Your people are out there.

Sometimes you just have to meet them without the people you currently have in your life.

In fact, the people in your life might very well be a crutch to meeting the others.

Which isn’t a shot at the people in your life. It’s just that nobody can be everything to a person.

Different people serve different roles in a person’s life. And if there’s a role you feel isn’t being fulfilled—it’s not their fault. It’s your opportunity to go out and find the ones who will help you fulfill it.

The question is: will you find the courage to venture out alone?

I got a new phone today.

While syncing the old to the new, I saw there were 117,000+ text messages that were queued for transfer.

And how interesting to think that every relationship I have in my life is directly correlated to what I chose to send in my portion of the 117,000+ messages.

…There’s an infinite number of ways I could have chosen to initiate and respond—and yet, I chose how I did.

…For better? For worse?

…Yes to both, I’d say.

My thought for today is focused on the next 117,000+.

How can I be more mindful? More timely? More authentic? More empathetic? More clear?

Sure, their bubble is their responsibility. But also and just as important: my bubble is mine.

This past weekend, I had an incredible time with friends.

…Friends who I met through another friend.

And how did I meet that friend?

…By asking her if she was okay at a music show.

She looked a little off and I offered her a hand, some water, and some support.

And once she was feeling better, we spent the rest of the night dancing.

The need for connection has never felt more prominent than it does today.

…Behind screens? People are connection machines.

…But in real life? …There’s a sad disconnect.

There’s hesitation. There’s shyness. There’s self-consciousness. And the disconnected gap only seems to be growing.

The strategy? …Start with the basics.

Become excellent at complimenting strangers. Look for ways you can be helpful—and act. And of course, smile… say, “Hi” first… and learn how to lean into and follow your curiosity with open-ended questions.

Getting even just 1% better in this department could lead to the one conversation that influences every other future connection in your life.

When we’re hurt, we strengthen our walls to the world—so that we might not get hurt again.

When we’re loved, we lower our guard to the world—so that we might be loved again.

The thing about being loved, however, is that it requires a lowering of our guard. And the ones who need it the most are the ones who have been hurt the most and have fortified walls against not just those who have hurt them in the past, but most everybody.

And so it begs the question: how do we keep our walls strong against those who might hurt us while simultaneously keeping our guard low enough to welcome the chance of love into our lives?

While I don’t think there’s one universal answer… I think a few additional inner work questions may give you then answer(s) you need for yourself…

• The entrance to the fortress is through a guarded gate… what does your guarded gate look like? i.e. How do you vet people before welcoming them into your fortress? What might this look like ideally?
• And for returning folks, do you believe how they’ve acted inside your fortress in the past or the promises they make about how they’re going to act this time?
• Are you walled up on a high hill in some obscure, untraveled to part of the world where nobody visits? Or are you engaging with the world and exposing your fortress to a variety of different people in a variety of different situations?
• Where are the people you’d most likely love to welcome into your fortress hanging out? How can you overlap your path with theirs?

Judge not a person’s character by how they act around people they like, want, or need.

Judge a person’s character by how they act around people they dislike, don’t want, and have no need for.

The latter will tell you everything you need to know.