Category: Understanding Love

A co-worker shared a story with me today about the moment she knew she wanted her brother and his girlfriend to get married.

Both girls were out at a girl’s night chatting and she—the girlfriend—made the following comment about my co-worker’s brother:

“Whenever he’s driving and he makes a wrong turn… I don’t say anything. I just let him figure it out. I know we’ll eventually get where we’re meant to be… and keeping him calm and anxiety free on the way is more important to me than being right or correcting and stressing him out.”

…For some couples, wrong turns lead to something in the opposite direction of love.

…For others, you get to a point where you wonder if there even is a wrong turn for their love.

Once upon a time I decided to go to a music show alone.

While there, a random person saw me vibin’, asked if I came with anybody, grabbed my arm when I said “No,” dragged me around the packed venue filled with thousands of people until she finally found her people, and introduced me to them all.

We’ve all been friends ever since.

And that squad and I have gone to many other shows, have created countless memories, have rippled that same inclusive energy to hundreds of other strangers, expanded our squad beautifully, and are still making plans together today.

…All from that one random, happenstance initiative.

Three lessons come to mind from this story that popped into my brain today:

1. Don’t be afraid to do things alone. Go where you feel pulled to go—your people will be there, too. And if you don’t, you might never cross paths with who you were supposed to meet.
2. Always show up with intentionality. I don’t recommend dragging strangers by the arm who go places alone—it only worked because the vibe I was giving worked and she sensed it. And I allowed her to drag me because the opposite was true, too. I don’t know how to describe it, but your vibe attracts your tribe. It’s something you feel, you just have to intentionally show up with the vibe you want to attract… and follow the pull of your attraction.
3. Keep doing inner work. The deeper I continue to dig inside, the better things continue to get outside. At the forefront of which are the people I’m blessed to be connecting with at this stage of life.

An observation I feel most people overlook in today’s world: If you’ve given up on modern day connection mediums—be it social media, virtual communities, dating apps, etc—and feel lonely or disconnected more than ever in the supposed age of connection…

So, too, have the people you’d probably most want to connect with.

…Which means they’re most probably offline and doing things in the real world.

…Which means online isn’t where you’ll find them.

…Which means you need to revert back to “old-school” connection mediums if you’re going to find your people.

What am I talking about?

I’m talking about joining IRL communities (like a martial arts school), or learning a new skill alongside other curious minds (like rock climbing), or treating yourself to a night out featuring a performance or event that excites you (like a murder mystery interactive show) and simply aligning with a like-minded energy and being kind and having conversations.

These are the sorts of places where old-school connections are made.

You know… where it’s authenticity, quirks, and imperfections first…

The opposite of what’s made first in most of our digital worlds.

…Which is precisely the point.

I donated blood today.

And for whatever reason, I was being short with my answers and quiet.

Sensing this, the guy doing the blood drawing didn’t try too hard to start a conversation, just was doing his job quietly and efficiently.

Right after he stuck the needle into my vein and the blood starting swirling down the tube out and away from my body, he asked me two simple questions:

1. “Is that a buddha?” —Referring to my tattoo. “No, it’s a reading warrior.” —And then continued to explain what it represented to me.
2. And “Are you reading anything good right now?” —An easy segue from the above discovery.

Which resulted in a fine conversation that lasted the rest of the appointment. He recommended several books to me and I to him.

The takeaway for me is to, yes, meet people where they are and if they’re being short with their answers and quiet—maybe don’t force the opposite kind of energy onto them. But, maybe don’t assume they’re in a bad mood or hate you. A few simple questions are always classy when interacting with unknown or sullen people.

I was reading an inner work reflection from a chronic talker.

She was saying that she’s the type who, if you let her, would talk your ear off all day.

But, after some careful inner work, what she realized is that a conversation in which people are talking, but not listening, is not really a conversation. And as much as she liked to talk, what she really wanted to do was connect.

…Which I think is why any of us talk.

It’s the following specific examples she gave that I thought were most interesting. She said:

• She talks about what she does because she craves appreciation and admiration—and she wants to inspire someone.
• She talks about what’s on her mind because she wants to know that she’s not alone—and wants to feel accepted and validated.
• She talks about what she knows because she wants to show that she has something to offer.

Talking for her is asking for attention, praise, acceptance, and love.

But, as mentioned at the beginning, talking isn’t always the way there.

What’s needed is listening. What’s needed is care. What’s needed is compassion.

I share this today for two reasons. One, so that you might better understand the talkers in your life and look more mindfully for ways to connect vs just converse with them. And two, so that you might reflect on your own need to talk and question the “why” behind it. Is saying what you want to say going to help you achieve what it is you’re really after? Or is it actually just an empty effort that’ll lead you astray?