When getting to know somebody new, we start with how they treat us. We interpret their words, do careful tone-checks, dissect their body language, and try to understand, based on everything we’ve gathered from social interactions throughout our lives, if this person is kind, virtuous, and trustworthy or not.
Another layer down is to see how they treat strangers—particularly those who don’t attract any particular interest to them or those who do something that’s rude or upsets them. We’re talking about waiters, janitors, and maybe homeless folks… or people who cut them off in traffic, spill a drink on them, or say something off-putting. When there’s no perceived value that can come from the interaction, or the threat of a negative value exchange, their public-facing masks sometimes fall and you see a different side of them… a more authentic side.
And then there’s another layer down yet… and it’s how they treat the people at home. See strangers don’t carry our history… they don’t activate our wounds… they don’t mirror back the parts of ourself we’ve avoided for years. Our spouse does… our children do… our family does. And kindness to elicit a return… or to maintain an image… isn’t really kindness at all. It’s a barter… it’s a facade. And if building a home with this new person becomes an eventual thought in your mind… explore how they act in their current and/or previous homes. It’ll reveal a depth that’s simply hard to explore otherwise.
P.s. Shout-out to this video for the inspiration for this post.