I don’t know what the future will say
But I know what the present tells me
And if I have to modify a rule
Or gray a boundary
To avoid certain regret
And risk some drama
To potentially gain… it all?
Then let me just apologize now
To my future self if it doesn’t work out
But what I also want that self to know
…Is that you know I had to know
And I’m going in with clear eyes
For both me… and you.
P.s. Sheesh… first poem in a while. You can read my others here.
An observation I feel most people overlook in today’s world: If you’ve given up on modern day connection mediums—be it social media, virtual communities, dating apps, etc—and feel lonely or disconnected more than ever in the supposed age of connection…
So, too, have the people you’d probably most want to connect with.
…Which means they’re most probably offline and doing things in the real world.
…Which means online isn’t where you’ll find them.
…Which means you need to revert back to “old-school” connection mediums if you’re going to find your people.
What am I talking about?
I’m talking about joining IRL communities (like a martial arts school), or learning a new skill alongside other curious minds (like rock climbing), or treating yourself to a night out featuring a performance or event that excites you (like a murder mystery interactive show) and simply aligning with a like-minded energy and being kind and having conversations.
These are the sorts of places where old-school connections are made.
You know… where it’s authenticity, quirks, and imperfections first…
The opposite of what’s made first in most of our digital worlds.
…Which is precisely the point.
I donated blood today.
And for whatever reason, I was being short with my answers and quiet.
Sensing this, the guy doing the blood drawing didn’t try too hard to start a conversation, just was doing his job quietly and efficiently.
Right after he stuck the needle into my vein and the blood starting swirling down the tube out and away from my body, he asked me two simple questions:
Which resulted in a fine conversation that lasted the rest of the appointment. He recommended several books to me and I to him.
The takeaway for me is to, yes, meet people where they are and if they’re being short with their answers and quiet—maybe don’t force the opposite kind of energy onto them. But, maybe don’t assume they’re in a bad mood or hate you. A few simple questions are always classy when interacting with unknown or sullen people.
On the last day of my trip to Bosnia, I ate at a dessert café.
The waitress was one of the nicest, funniest, most outgoing people I met the entire trip.
And because of the nature of Bosnian cafés and how long one can spend relaxing and enjoying… and because of her nature of being somewhat of a “blabber-mouth” (her words, not mine)—I got to hear some of her story.
She was going to university for marketing… was working as a waitress to cover her living expenses… lived at home with her parents, but prided herself in only buying and earning what she could afford.
“I’m a strong, independent women” she said at one point as she flexed her arm and giggled.
Towards the end of our intermittent exchanges, as we talked about travel and life goals, she mentioned that her and her family had applied for visas to travel to the U.S… and all of them got approved except for her… the only difference being she wore a hijab and they didn’t.
Worth mentioning here, too, is that Adis—the gentlemen who gave me that 9-hour tour of Mostar—said he was friends even with those who his parents were at war with.
He said he was only three when the war was happening and so were the people he was associating with. They weren’t at war with each other and so why act like they were today?
He made a brilliant comment that his history was meant to serve as a reminder, as a lesson, to lead to a better future… not a repeated, more discriminatory, worse one.
I was reading an inner work reflection from a chronic talker.
She was saying that she’s the type who, if you let her, would talk your ear off all day.
But, after some careful inner work, what she realized is that a conversation in which people are talking, but not listening, is not really a conversation. And as much as she liked to talk, what she really wanted to do was connect.
…Which I think is why any of us talk.
It’s the following specific examples she gave that I thought were most interesting. She said:
Talking for her is asking for attention, praise, acceptance, and love.
But, as mentioned at the beginning, talking isn’t always the way there.
What’s needed is listening. What’s needed is care. What’s needed is compassion.
I share this today for two reasons. One, so that you might better understand the talkers in your life and look more mindfully for ways to connect vs just converse with them. And two, so that you might reflect on your own need to talk and question the “why” behind it. Is saying what you want to say going to help you achieve what it is you’re really after? Or is it actually just an empty effort that’ll lead you astray?
A buddy of mine said to me, “Yeah, I’m going to have to plan another get together… because if I don’t do it then it won’t happen.”
…And isn’t this the truth for so many of us in life?
Unless, of course, you’re one of the lucky ones who has a “connection facilitator” in your life that does the inviting, planning, organizing, messaging, and hosting.
Which is essentially what I said back to this buddy of mine: They’re lucky to have you.
Because it takes courage and work and time to facilitate a successful gathering—even if it’s with good friends.
And if you’re one of the rare ones who’s doing this on a regular basis, and is swimming up against the societal norms of digital “connection” and screen time interactions—and is facilitating IRL meet ups and get togethers—thank you.
…You’re doing more for your community than you might ever truly know.
And if you’re not… an inner work prompt to reflect on is… what’s stopping you from becoming one?
I got to spend a lot of time talking to my instructor today.
Of everything we talked about: martial arts, business, strategy, travel, memories…
The thing that inspired me the most…
The thing he said almost as an afterthought at one point in the conversation…
Was a simple Sunday routine he’s been practicing for the past few months now.
He picks up his in-laws… who are in their 80s… one who is going to begin dialysis soon…
And he gets lunch with them and then… and this is the part that really inspired me…
…He said they’ll then drive to get lost.
And they’ll casually look at houses… explore scenes they’ve never seen before… or find a nice nature spot to sit and think… he said he never knows where they’ll end up… they just… go.
What an incredible thing to do.
Not just with 80 year old in-laws… but, with anybody you care about in general.
When it comes to time spent… remember… it’s never about the what… it’s always about the how.