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Category: Understanding Love

Controlling Stimuli > Controlling Responses

Published on April 17, 2024

Every stimulus begs a response.

  • Your phone rings from every call—and “likely spam” is your bff. You must decide if you’ll look, not look, answer, or ignore—every time.
  • An app sends a notification. You must decide if you’ll clear it, check it (and likely go down the rabbit hole), or ignore it (and wonder about it on and off until you check it).
  • A company emails you about a sale. You must decide if you’ll read it, click it, trash it, or ignore it.
  • A friend asks you to do something you don’t want to. You must decide if you’ll say yes, say no, or come up with some kind of excuse or delay.
  • The social media accounts you follow show hyper fit and popular people doing incredible and hilarious things that make you feel bad about yourself. You must decide if you’ll leave it and keep opening and scrolling, if you’ll unfollow/mute/block, or if you’ll ignore.

It’s one thing to work really hard to train your responses. To understand that the gap between stimulus and response is your destiny. To learn to control anger, to calm yourself after getting triggered, to manage your impulses to indulge, to have the confidence to stand up for yourself, to teach yourself to love yourself and not compare yourself to others…

…And it’s a whole ‘nother thing to design your lifestyle in a way that those types of stimuli that illicit those types of undesirable responses don’t even exist.

P.s. If you enjoy getting these types of morning stimuli, you can support my future work by filling up my cup with that hot, brown goodness here.

Not Every Stranger Is Out To Get You

Published on April 15, 2024

As I was walking my dog yesterday, I came across a neighbor’s kid who was outside practicing soccer.

He was jumping up and down passing the ball one foot to the other presumably drilling ball handling skills.

But, when he saw my dog and I coming, he subtly grabbed the ball and walked off his front lawn, up his driveway, and to the back of his house—completely out of sight as we passed.

And it made me feel bad/sad.

I don’t know if he was shy or if I looked intimidating or if my dog looked intimidating or what…

But, I certainly didn’t want to interrupt his practice or make him feel awkward.

And I certainly would’ve said “Hi” and smiled as we passed.

Heck, I would’ve even kicked the ball with him if he hit it my way and we could’ve become acquainted as neighbor friends.

I write this as a reminder that not every stranger is out to get you… that not every social interaction is going to be as awkward or one-sided as you might think… that there is a lot more good in the world than the news/media might make you believe.

And while it’s undoubtedly important to teach people to be cautious (as a martial arts instructor, this is one of the major lessons I teach)… I’d argue it’s just as important to teach people to be brave.

The Measure of Your Love

Published on April 3, 2024

I think love can most accurately be measured in moments of presence.

Because moments spent thinking of the past or spent spaced out and imagining the future aren’t moments you can also overflow in the now.

The moment your mind leaves the now… your love leaves with you.

Which isn’t to say we should never visit the past—there’s a time and a place for that.

And it isn’t to say you should never visit the future—how else can you chart out your life’s path?

It’s merely to say, the measure of your love isn’t equal to the total time spent with another person any more than it’s the measure of the total time you’ve spent with yourself.

Those who measure highest in self-love are the ones who have spent the most time in presence with themselves—working through the heavy, turbulent, crap times as much as they might’ve spent soaking in the more light, joyful, easy times. And so it is for those who measure the highest in joint love, too.

…If you’re looking for love, looking to rekindle a love, or looking to deepen your current love, I’d say, start with here.

Inner work prompt: Your turn. How do you think love can most accurately be measured?

Love; In A Moment [Poem]

Published on April 2, 2024

I had everything
I ever wanted
In a moment

Nothing about past
A subtracted future
Like meditation—times three

I had everything
I ever wanted
In a moment

Nothing about me
A subtracted identity
Just we; plus perceived

I had everything
I ever wanted
In a moment

Nothing about weather
A subtracted monotony
Just adventure; every degree

I had everything
I ever wanted
In a moment

Until I didn’t
Past, future colliding
Weather, monotony, past, me…

I had everything
I ever wanted
In a moment

Until that one
Life subtraction—you
Set the rest… free

P.s. You can read my other poems here.

Easter Eggs

Published on March 26, 2024

One of my ex-employees (who went on to become a nurse) used to chronically clean and organize when she didn’t have anything to do.

…I can’t tell you how much I miss that small, big gift that she used to give.

In a world where people typically do what they have to do out of obligation (and not much more)… be the atypical outlier who gives away little Easter Eggs along the way.

The work is the work is the work… and doing the work isn’t what makes you indispensable / memorable… it’s the gifts you give along the way that do that.

P.s. If you enjoy these a.m. Easter Eggs, you can support their continued production here :)

Reduce Screen Time By Changing Your Downtime App

Published on March 21, 2024

When given the chance to casually browse social media, what I’m recognizing in myself is that the time I’ll ultimately spend browsing is NOT created equally based on which app I choose.

In other words, if I have a pocket of time to go on my phone, one app can lead me to spend significantly more time than a different one. In my case, choosing FB or IG generally leads to far more media consumption than if I chose X or YT.

…And it’s not like my daily levels of willpower/self-discipline are radically changing. I suspect it has to do with the app’s algorithms and the way I interact with the apps. On FB and IG, I casually browse until I get sucked into one of those never ending reel rabbit holes. And let me be the first to admit, they’re damn addicting.

On X and YT, it’s just one video at a time. And I feel like I have a better grip on who/what I watch and can get closure with clear stops to the end of videos.

Since learning this about myself, I’ve turned insight into action and made this a part of my digital media consumption strategy. 95% of the time now, when I have a pocket of time, I’ll choose to browse X or YT because I know it’ll lead to less total consumption.

Now I pass the question off to you: which app do you feel sucks the most time from your day(s)? Do you feel like the time spent is equal regardless of the app? Or do you feel like it’s disproportionate like me?

P.s. The Screen Time widget helped me discover this.

Share Care (Before It’s Too Late)

Published on March 20, 2024

…That moment when the person you were thinking about texting—to send warmth, good vibes, and just the notion that you were thinking about them—texts you first for some practical reason and the opportunity to surprise them with the above disappears right before your eyes.

This happened to me this morning and it was a good reminder to just send the damn text—especially the warm, vibe-y, caring “just because” ones—as close to the original thought as you can… because you just never know when the opportunity to do so will disappear.

P.s. I started uploading quotes from The Midnight Library by Matt Haig to MoveMe Quotes. If you’d like to read along, you can get the book here and/or you can read the insights I upload for free here.