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Category: Meaningful Connection

Earning The Imperfect Side

Published on September 14, 2023

One of the most remarkable questions I was asked this year at Burning Man was: What does it take for a person to earn your vulnerability?

Which is a timely question as there’s a great lack in vulnerability sharing which is what’s causing a great lack in connection creating—aka modern day loneliness.

Our vulnerabilities are the sides of ourselves that are soft, silly, quirky, scared, hurt, and otherwise perceived as imperfect. Whereas what we share digitally—which is where most of us share in the modern world—is the opposite of that. It’s our highlight reel that features us in our most “perfect” form.

The problem this causes, of course, is that it’s through the sharing of our vulnerabilities that we’re able to genuinely connect with others. Two perfect highlight reel people only have superficial understandings of one another. It’s the people who share the “behind-the-scenes,” “blooper reels,” and “off camera/ no audience/ completely un-self-conscious” sides of themselves who get to connect on deeper levels.

And so to return to the question… What does it take for a person to earn your imperfect side? …The side that could be hurt, made fun of, or laughed at? The side you hide from internet trolls, bullies, and a-holes?

…Trust.

It is and always will be, for me at least, trust.

Which is earned in small sums with each made and kept promise; and is lost in huge withdrawals with each made and promise broken. Once the small sum deposits cross a certain threshold, you gain access to my vulnerable side. And if they don’t or never do—you don’t.

Your turn: What does it take for somebody to earn your vulnerability?

Just Because

Published on August 21, 2023

Yesterday, a friend of mine got a friend of theirs a custom t-shirt featuring a blown up image of their friend’s childhood dream car drawn by their friend’s very own childhood hand that was joking shared via text but brilliantly airdropped, screen printed, and airbrushed onto a plain white t-shirt—complete with nickname AND racing stripes… just because.

…These are the kinds of friends you want to keep close by in life.

And this is the type of friend more of us should aim to be.

P.s. The dream car was a red Lamborghini. And what the drawn image looked like to an actual Lamborghini is about what Josh Allen’s Buffalo Bills logo looked like to the actual logo. Priceless.

Moments Never Forgotten

Published on August 13, 2023

It’s the efforts you make for others when they’re the hardest to make—and the others know it—that become moments never forgotten.

Because average efforts don’t stand out when recalling an entire timeline of connection… it’s the above and beyond efforts that do.

Remember this the next time you have a chance to make an effort that’s feeling particularly above and beyond. It could end up leading to some of the moments that stay with the other… forever.

The Everything Else

Published on June 29, 2023

Tonight, I had the pleasure of celebrating the end of my mom’s career with her at her retirement party.

Surrounded by colleagues, close friends, loved ones, board members, and more—it was a warm and vibrant gathering filled with a great many emotions.

And while all that was said throughout the evening was heart warming, kind, and beautifully delivered—what hit me the most had nothing to do with words at all.

…What hit me the most was this brief, minute or two slideshow that showcased assorted moments from throughout her career, that was backed with just the right song, and was played in conclusion—after all of the speeches, toasts, and honors were given.

It opened with an image of my mom from 20 years earlier (when she first accepted the role) and closed with a picture of her in front of the same wall that must’ve been taken from just a few days earlier.

And what was in between… yes… what was in between was what hit me.

It wasn’t words.

It was faces.

Faces not only of people whose lives touched my mom’s, but whose lives my mom was able to touch.

It can be so easy to get lost in the words—the product of the organization—that we can take the faces for granted. But, it’s not the words who show up to your retirement party—it’s the people. And what a beautiful bunch of people my mom was able to attract into her life.

Words matter—don’t get me wrong. But, in many respects, it’s the everything else—the intent, timing, body language, care, charisma, belief, devotion, warmth, strength, etc—that makes the legacy.

Check, Please [Poem]

Published on June 15, 2023 
I like you
I’d be more specific
But I don’t know how

Unlike you, I
Can’t seem to find
My way around this here and now

What words do I know?
Humor! ...A Joke?
Rhythm—stay cool; go slow

I race to catch up
As you question me different
And whisper an aside

Like somehow we were here
Where small talk and formalities
Were behind us like years

I’d do more to reciprocate
But what if this is just you
Being damn good at what you do?

Move too fast and I fear
What feels like years
Will dissolve back into just now

Move too slow
And I won’t even get to see
With who or how you’ll go

It’s obvious you know
Words, people, paths 
—Your way around

It’s only a matter of time
Months, weeks, days
—Before you’re properly found

Which means what exactly for me?
Now? Next time? Never?
Who knows...

I ask for my check, please
And watch as another moment comes
And another moment goes

P.s. You can read my other poems here.

Linger (IRL) Longer

Published on June 5, 2023

You know those moments that come before a group meal when everybody is lingering? Or after it’s over and everybody sort of diffuses into pocket conversations and side chatter?

That is where the magic of connection happens.

…Not when everybody is actively eating the meal. It’s in the moments that come before, the moments in between bites, and the moments after. In many respects, group meals have less to do with the meal and more to do with the lingering.

The same is true for just about every other group activity: group fitness, group sports, group art, group travel, group hobbies, etc. Of course, the group task is the focal point—but, most tasks can be done without the group. The point in doing it with a group is the connection.

Which may sound obvious, but in a world where loneliness is becoming more and more of a concern—there are two key ideas worth pinpointing:

(1) We do group activities for the group as much as the activity—you don’t have to be a prodigy or obsessed with the idea of the activity to sign up with a group.

(2) All of the time spent NOT doing the activity can be just as valuable (if not more) as the time spend doing it. Don’t miss the forest for the tree. Are you learning how to draw an eye in group art classes or are you learning how to draw a friendship by looking more people—who share similar interests as you—in the eye?

Lingering on screens is awful for connection. More and more studies prove that. Lingering in real life, however, is a great strategy for building connection.

Roller Coaster Love

Published on June 2, 2023

A relationships and dating coach posted the following question on Twitter: “Would you rather: a 220 pound woman who’s nice & sweet or a 120 pound woman with an attitude?”

To which I say this is the wrong question.

Love isn’t a number on a scale. And none of us are as simple as “nice & sweet” or “with an attitude.”

Love is an impossibly complex, messy, roller coaster of a ride shared with the person who could very well be all of those above things throughout the duration of your ride.

It’s time spent with the person who makes you feel:

…Sometimes exhilaratingly light—like you’re free falling down from the highest roller coaster peak. Like when their name comes up on caller I.D., their face comes into view after time apart, or the thought of past time together springs to mind.

…Sometimes upside down—like you’re being thrown through a loop. Like when they challenge your thoughts/beliefs, pull you down a spontaneous path you would’ve never traveled on your own, or they get you to agree to something that’s totally out of character.

…Sometimes heavy and low—like at the bottom of those highest drops. Like when they have to endure tragedy/loss/grief and illicit your support to help them, or when they hurt your feelings, or break promises—because them doing it hits harder than anyone else.

…But all with that person. Not because of the number on the scale or some one or two word description that’s supposed to represent the entire depth of who they are—but, because riding the roller coaster is better with them. And they think the same about riding the coaster with you.