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Category: Transforming Pain

Don’t Let Your Strength Weaken The Ones Around You

Published on April 13, 2024

Sometimes (oftentimes) the best thing you can do to help the people around you grow… is less.

…Yes, lead by example.

…Yes, do for others what you would want done for you.

…Yes, offer support, take initiative, and maintain a strong work ethic.

But, also…

…Share the hard(er) work, large(r) opportunities, and high(er) pressure situations.

…Give people space to explore, experiment, and figure things out on their own.

…Allow people to struggle and mess up and fail.

Growth happens outside our zones of comfort. And if we keep the people around us too comfortable (by doing much of the uncomfortable work)—contrary to what we might see as a service to them—what we’re actually doing to them is a disservice.

Because while being comfortable is what we think we want in any given moment (and what we might think we want from the people around us/working with us)… what we actually want is to do something we can be proud of… something that challenged us and made us better… something that helped us realize our potential.

And sometimes (oftentimes) that only happens when the stronger people around us… do less.

P.s. Borrowing Strength Builds Weakness – A Lesson From My 104 Year Old Grandmother

I Am Relaxation; I Am Here; I Am Now

Published on March 2, 2024

I struggled for a while to find the words today.

I stared at the blank screen. I went for a walk. I tried pressuring myself. I tried referencing old writing ideas… I even tried replaying old experiences in my mind.

And to no avail.

It wasn’t until after two-ish hours that I caught a whiff of a potential takeaway…

Struggling to uncover what’s inner is never time wasted—so long as you stay true to the struggle.

…The thoughts I had to go to certain websites for inner inspiration were nothing more than distractions leading me away from my inner focus.

And the thoughts I had to pressure myself so that I could more quickly squeeze the inner were cheap attempts that only resulted in juice from superficial layers.

And the thoughts I had to expand on old thoughts fell short because I was no longer connected to that frame of mind—faded inner experiences.

It was just before I started (finally) writing this piece that I found myself repeating the following lines as personal writing advice: “I am not this tension; I am not these distractions; I am not these words of yesterday.”

“I am relaxation; I am here; I am now.”

“…And what do I honestly have to say about it?”

Like Body Like Mind

Published on February 26, 2024

What you do for yourself when you’re physically sick are the same kinds of things you should do for yourself when you’re mentally sick.

…And I don’t mean mentally sick as in innately twisted or morally malevolent… I mean just temporarily “under the weather” and like you’ve been infiltrated by some kind of “virus of the mind” if you will.

This could happen from being overworked and exhausted, from a hurtful comment from someone you love, from the loss of someone important to you… etc.

Being mentally “under the weather” might sound like:

  • “I’m worthless”
  • “I can’t do anything right”
  • “Nothing I do is ever enough”
  • “I’m a bad person/friend/parent/spouse”
  • “There is so much more I should’ve done, but didn’t do”

What are the doctor’s orders when physically sick?

  • Rest (including time away from normal obligations like school or work)
  • Hydrate (so your body can keep things moving smoothly throughout your body—including the defeated sickness cells after our immune system is done with them)
  • Maybe medicine if the symptoms get bad enough (things to either add immune system support or help you endure the pain/discomfort of the symptoms)

And what might we do to deal with a virus of the mind?

  • Rest (including time away from people/places/things that might’ve infected your mind in the first place.
  • Hydrate (by keeping fresh, mentally hydrating thoughts pouring in from high-quality sources)
  • Maybe “medicine” if the symptoms persist or get bad enough (getting mental immune system support by having conversations with insightful friends, loved ones, or a therapist)—which I’d say is about as close to “mind medicine” that isn’t actually mind medicine as it gets.

What To Say To Those In The Storm

Published on February 20, 2024

A student of mine broke her ankle doing a jumping kick in my martial arts class last night.

…And this was literally a few weeks after she just got her boot off from having broken that same ankle just a few months ago.

Another student has been trying to come back from a similar broken bone situation… but keeps getting slammed with various colds and sicknesses.

…And, to her dismay, has only been able to attend a handful of classes over the course of two months.

Another student came up to me last night and told me some heartbreaking news that… on top of the surgery she might have to get on her hip… and on top of the sicknesses that keep coming up in her family… her mom got diagnosed with cancer.

Life, like mother nature herself, has seasons.

Sometimes its sunny and seventy; and sometimes it’s hella cloudy and rainy.

…And sometimes, as the expression goes, it doesn’t just rain—it pours.

It’s hard to know what to say in these situations because there aren’t any words that’ll keep a person dry when it’s pouring rain and they’re already wet.

…But, maybe if you can let them know you’ll be there with them as the pouring rain comes down, and that there’s an umbrella you can share, and that you’ll be a source of warmth for them as the cold, heavy drops carry more and more of their warmth away and into the ground…

…Maybe you can make the storm suck a little less and help them see their way to the other side.

Initiating Kindness

Published on January 28, 2024

It’s easy to do kindness after you’ve been acted kindly to.

But, it takes a real one to do kindness when you’ve had someone act the opposite to you.

What we need aren’t more people who can wait for kindness to happen to them so they can then pay it forward.

What we need are more people who can initiate kindness when nobody is talking about it… when only the opposite is on display… when curveballs galore are wrecking everybody’s day.

Because it’s then—precisely then—when kindness is needed most.

P.s. 101 Acts of Kindness To Help Recalibrate The World

Sit With The Not Knowing

Published on January 20, 2024

If I’m trying to write, but can’t think of what I want to say…

Rather than “look for inspiration” and browse websites, other articles, social media, etc…

I’ll try and force myself to sit with the not knowing.

The mindset is this: we already have an ocean’s worth of insight from the hundreds of thousands of hours we’ve been alive… what we don’t need is a few more drops of inspiration to add to our ocean… what we need is a space that allows us to dive into that ocean so we can (finally) do some proper exploring.

Think scuba diving.

…You don’t see scuba divers browsing social media, scanning websites for inspiration, or asking search engines which direction to go.

Scuba divers dive and explore. With absolutely zero distractions.

And when it comes to all things creative… so should we.

Scariest 5 Seconds

Published on January 13, 2024

Yesterday, a friend told me a story of the scariest five seconds of his life.

When approaching an intersection on a two lane highway, there was a car that suddenly swerved across all lanes of traffic directly in front of him.

He jerked the steering wheel to avoid collision and ended up peeling over the grassy median and out onto the other side of the two lane highway into oncoming traffic.

Imagine the sheer horror of being behind the wheel of that swerving car, moving at highway speeds, heading towards cars that were also heading at highway speeds—right towards you.

It was a miracle that in that split few seconds of time, he was able to quickly swerve back over the median and onto the right side of the road before being hit.

I share this story to remind you to 1) always drive like your life depends on it and 2) bring back to the forefront of your mind that life is delicate. It was through no fault of his own that this person swerved in front of him. And it was damn fortunate that he was able to navigate his way back to safety.

Had he been driving less cautiously, it could have proven to be fatal—for more than just him.

I’m sure you, too, have had a scariest five seconds of your life that could’ve ended it all for you—but didn’t. Don’t let this gratitude for life leave you. Because it’s nothing short of a miracle that we’re here living, breathing, and being… isn’t it?

P.s. I also published: 23 Greg McKeown Quotes from Essentialism and How To Live Better Via Less