Category: Meaningful Connection

I had the distinct privilege of listening to a live presentation from Imani Perry last night.

And one of the stories she shared stuck with me.

Her grandmother used to gather with friends to quilt.

Each woman would start at a different point of a single quilt, however, and work together until the one was completed.

When it was, they would give it to the woman who needed it the most. Maybe because one just gave birth or another was struggling with bills or whatever.

And I love this idea because it does so much more than make and gift a quilt to a woman who needs it… it brings people together for a common cause (purpose), it acts as a means for conversation (connection), and brings a healing element into the occasion because each woman gets to share her struggles, her challenges, her adversities… and presumably create an invaluable opportunity for everybody else to relate and reciprocate in deeply fulfilling way(s).

…How beautiful.

Is there something like this you could create in your life?

“I just wanted to say I love your energy.”
“The way you danced and smiled and were so present with everything you did… it was amazing.”
“Thank you for all of that and I hope you have a great day.”

…But I hesitated.

Still got more inner work to do.

My aunt has this young, 1-year-old black cat.

She’s curious and playful, but more often than not, uninvolved and off doing her own thing.

My aunt and cousins would call for her, play with toys to attract her, and try to entertain her frequently throughout the visit. And she would usually oblige for a few minutes… but then would carry on her way and unassumingly find something else to do.

I’m allergic to cats so I didn’t give forth that same kind of energy.

Well on the last night of my visit to my aunt’s house, I was sitting in meditation after everybody else had gone to sleep when suddenly, I hear the cat poking around. I opened my eyes and there she was, staring straight at me from the staircase.

It was strange because even when I was blowing her face trying to get a rise out of her, it felt like she was looking through me… or thinking carefully about something else while her eyes rested in my direction… never at me.

And yet… on this last night… as I sat there in a crossed-legged meditation position… she stared me down… unwaveringly… intensely… deliberately… and approached me slowly… slowly… until she was directly by my side… on the couch where I sat… sniffing… eyeing… evaluating…

…Until she eventually settled onto her legs, swallowing them up into her own meditation position of sorts, and closed her eyes.

It was strange that in that moment when I was still… un-seeking… and unassuming in a way myself… that it attracted the very cat that was being pursued… sought out… who seemed to have spent most of the weekend fleeing…

When getting to know somebody new, we start with how they treat us. We interpret their words, do careful tone-checks, dissect their body language, and try to understand, based on everything we’ve gathered from social interactions throughout our lives, if this person is kind, virtuous, and trustworthy or not.

Another layer down is to see how they treat strangers—particularly those who don’t attract any particular interest to them or those who do something that’s rude or upsets them. We’re talking about waiters, janitors, and maybe homeless folks… or people who cut them off in traffic, spill a drink on them, or say something off-putting. When there’s no perceived value that can come from the interaction, or the threat of a negative value exchange, their public-facing masks sometimes fall and you see a different side of them… a more authentic side.

And then there’s another layer down yet… and it’s how they treat the people at home. See strangers don’t carry our history… they don’t activate our wounds… they don’t mirror back the parts of ourself we’ve avoided for years. Our spouse does… our children do… our family does. And kindness to elicit a return… or to maintain an image… isn’t really kindness at all. It’s a barter… it’s a facade. And if building a home with this new person becomes an eventual thought in your mind… explore how they act in their current and/or previous homes. It’ll reveal a depth that’s simply hard to explore otherwise.

P.s. Shout-out to this video for the inspiration for this post.