Category: Meaningful Connection

Yesterday, a martial arts student of mine gave a research presentation at his local high school.

He had been researching and preparing this presentation for around eight months and was focused on how martial arts affects self-esteem and personal growth.

And one of his key findings was the role that community and the “martial arts family environment” played. His original hypothesis was focused on testing the effects of martial arts training on the individual, but the sweeping majority of people he interviewed mentioned the power, importance, and impact of the other martial artists.

It’s just another reminder that it’s not necessarily what you do… but who you’re able to do it with.

As another example, when I was in school, whoever my favorite teacher was and whichever class had my friends (and cutest girls) in it—was my favorite class. It wasn’t the subject matter that made the big difference per se… it was the people.

And the same is true for many things in life. Get your tribe right… and the rest usually takes care of itself.

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but take a few minutes to let this Swedish proverb sink into your soul: “Joy shared is doubled, sorrow shared is halved.”

Could there be a more clear reason to invest in community? To initiate conversation and hangouts with family, friends, and acquaintances? To take a chance on strangers in the name of connection?

I believe firmly in estimates of this proverb.

But only if the joy and sorrow shared is with somebody who is aligned with your energy and is willing to “take” and “hold” your joy and sorrow in all of its rawness.

…And in a world where most of what’s shared is virtual and with people who are doom scrolling and too distracted to care one way or another… the in-real-life efforts are more important—and worth more—than ever before.

An excerpt from Brooklyn by Colm Tóibín: “She thought that he was going to cry; she felt almost guilty that she had handed some of her grief to him, and then she felt close to him for his willingness to take it and hold it, in all its rawness, all its dark confusion.”

It can feel this way. Like guilt when you hand some of your grief to others. Like you burdened them or made them uncomfortable or brought a heaviness to their otherwise bright and cheerful day.

But when you hand some of your grief to those who are willing to take it and help you hold it—in all of its rawness and dark confusion—you’re not burdening them… you’re actually giving them an opportunity. An opportunity to connect deeply with you in a way that would be a burden to try to figure out how to otherwise. Get it?

Because when we’re bright and cheerful, like the sun, we typically connect over what touches the surface: our likes and dislikes; our hobbies and activities; our background and accomplishments…

But when we’re grief-stricken, like the rain, we connect over what seeps below the surface: our emotions and feelings; our morals and values; our life-defining experiences and most significant pains…

Trauma-dumping is a term you might use when somebody pours unsolicited trauma experiences towards a person who is unwilling to take and hold it… who feels uncomfortable… who becomes burdened.

But grief-sharing is not that.

It, in fact, can be one of the most significant relationship deepening experiences that two people ever share.

I had the distinct privilege of listening to a live presentation from Imani Perry last night.

And one of the stories she shared stuck with me.

Her grandmother used to gather with friends to quilt.

Each woman would start at a different point of a single quilt, however, and work together until the one was completed.

When it was, they would give it to the woman who needed it the most. Maybe because one just gave birth or another was struggling with bills or whatever.

And I love this idea because it does so much more than make and gift a quilt to a woman who needs it… it brings people together for a common cause (purpose), it acts as a means for conversation (connection), and brings a healing element into the occasion because each woman gets to share her struggles, her challenges, her adversities… and presumably create an invaluable opportunity for everybody else to relate and reciprocate in deeply fulfilling way(s).

…How beautiful.

Is there something like this you could create in your life?

“I just wanted to say I love your energy.”
“The way you danced and smiled and were so present with everything you did… it was amazing.”
“Thank you for all of that and I hope you have a great day.”

…But I hesitated.

Still got more inner work to do.