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Category: Meaningful Connection

Inverting The Bullying Conversation (Part 2)

Published on October 20, 2023

Some excerpts from the Bullying presentation I gave last week (here’s Part 1 for context):

“Raise your hand if you believe we have ENOUGH problems in the world as it is. THAT is why I’m here. Because I couldn’t agree more. And we don’t need any more of them. Not here. Not anywhere. And all change anywhere has to start somewhere. And today? That’s here. How are we going to do that? By talking about how Martial Arts can help you become more BULLY PROOF and more LIFE READY.”

“What is Bullying? It’s when someone intentionally and repetitively tries to hurt and/or bring others down. What is the opposite? Buddying. Which is intentional and repetitive attempts to help and/or lift people up. Who likes having friends? Thought so. Here are four steps to follow to make more of them: (1) Smile (2) Say ‘Hi’ First (3) Ask Interesting Questions (4) Remember Their Answers & Repeat. Who has a best friend? Why is that person your best friend? Notice how nobody said: ‘Because they have the new Nikes’ or ‘Because they have the latest iPhone…’ —Remember this whenever anybody tries to make fun of you for externals. It’s internals that make real friendships.”

“Learning how to confront bullying situations is about more than the bully and more than the specific situation. Because you know who the biggest bully you’ll ever meet is? …Life. Confronting the bully in your life is an opportunity for you to flex your courage muscles… to flex your justice muscles… for you to get to a place where standing up and growth is the better option forward than standing down and allowing others to tear you down.”

Inverting The Bullying Conversation

Published on October 19, 2023

Last week, I spoke to a group of 90+ sixth graders about Bullying.

When I was originally asked to do this, in honor of National Bully Prevention Month, the task felt tall.

Most of the school talks I give are highly engaged martial arts + message classes for Kindergarden through fifth grade. But, showing pre-teens and teens how to *properly* kick, punch, and defend themselves felt like it would only lead to *more* confrontation rather than the opposite.

The two questions I kept asking myself over and over again were:

(1) How do I do this for 90+ sixth graders and *not* make them immediately want to fight each other and test their skills after I leave (i.e. How do I *not* be the D.A.R.E. guy)?

And (2) If I don’t teach any martial arts moves, what *can* I do to keep them engaged for a 45 minute presentation?

Here’s the thought process that lead to the presentation (which went quite well) that I felt was worth spreading beyond that one classroom and into the minds of all those who might be able to perpetuate it forward:

  • First of all, I believe fully that: telling people what not to do isn’t as effective as telling them what to do.
  • So, rather than follow a typical Anti-Bully seminar approach of (1) This is bullying (2) This is why it’s bad (3) Don’t bully… I inverted the Bullying conversation into:
  • (1) This is how you can build confidence and create more friendships (the antidote of bullying); (2) Here’s what you do when people try to tear you and others down; (3) Lead the way—the world needs it now more than ever.

Become. Behave. Believe. Belong.

Published on October 9, 2023

This is a formula I was taught that could be used for moving an inquiring person to a committed member inside a community. It’s something I found to be interesting from both the community organizer perspective and the prospect-looking-to-join-a-community perspective. Let’s break each component down:

Become: First, do something that affects identity. How can you get them to go from “I am not… [a martial artist]” to “I am… [a martial artist].” In the context of martial arts, maybe that’s giving them a uniform or shirt… something that allows them to start seeing themselves as a person who does the thing.

Behave: Second, encourage them to start doing the things that people who identify that way do. For martial arts, that’s taking classes—it’s kicking, punching, blocking, and so on. It’s one thing to dress like a martial artist… it’s a whole ‘nother thing to act like a martial artist. And the more they act it, the more they’ll believe it.

Believe: Third, get them to behave as a person in that community would for long enough and to the point where they believe it themselves. Again, it’s one thing to act like a martial artist for a week or two… and it’s a whole ‘nother thing to act like a martial artist for a year/decade or two. Believing happens by doing for a long enough period of time.

Belong: Finally, once the person truly believes in the identity they started off trying to become, the integration into the community of like-minded, equally-believing members is a matter of connection opportunities. How often do members get to interact? Work together? Share stories? Attend events? Share experiences? …Belonging happens after sufficient connecting.

The Tree(s) of Life

Published on September 18, 2023

“The branches of happiness can only reach as high as the roots of sadness go deep.”

Osho

Whenever I find myself feeling sadness, for whatever reason, this expression reminds me that it’s precisely the right time to focus on roots—it isn’t something to avoid or curse. That it’s, in fact, the perfect time for depth and more deeply entrenching my “roots” into the nature of my character.

And just recently, I’m recognizing that it is the same for the relationships we have with others, isn’t it?

The people you feel most deeply connected with, I’d be willing to bet, are the ones you’ve shared the most with in both directions of that relationship’s tree—branches/happiness and roots/sadness.

This is why the relationships you only share happiness with can often collapse and end. Not because it wasn’t happy enough, but, because of a lack of depth… a lack of roots… a lack of sadness or heaviness shared. No roots and all branches cause trees to timber.

….All roots and no branches don’t work much better either.

Without any way of adding warmth/humor/sunlight to the relationship, the tree dies—no matter how deep the roots go. It’s the duality of both that makes the tree’s growth work.

Wherever you find yourself in your relationships—both with yourself and others—the point is to be there; in those moments. And really feel whatever it is your feeling. Let your roots deepen. Let your branches stretch outward. Let what you feel, flow. And let yourself flow freely between all of life’s emotions.

This is how we honor and facilitate the growth of all the tree(s) of our life.

Earning The Imperfect Side

Published on September 14, 2023

One of the most remarkable questions I was asked this year at Burning Man was: What does it take for a person to earn your vulnerability?

Which is a timely question as there’s a great lack in vulnerability sharing which is what’s causing a great lack in connection creating—aka modern day loneliness.

Our vulnerabilities are the sides of ourselves that are soft, silly, quirky, scared, hurt, and otherwise perceived as imperfect. Whereas what we share digitally—which is where most of us share in the modern world—is the opposite of that. It’s our highlight reel that features us in our most “perfect” form.

The problem this causes, of course, is that it’s through the sharing of our vulnerabilities that we’re able to genuinely connect with others. Two perfect highlight reel people only have superficial understandings of one another. It’s the people who share the “behind-the-scenes,” “blooper reels,” and “off camera/ no audience/ completely un-self-conscious” sides of themselves who get to connect on deeper levels.

And so to return to the question… What does it take for a person to earn your imperfect side? …The side that could be hurt, made fun of, or laughed at? The side you hide from internet trolls, bullies, and a-holes?

…Trust.

It is and always will be, for me at least, trust.

Which is earned in small sums with each made and kept promise; and is lost in huge withdrawals with each made and promise broken. Once the small sum deposits cross a certain threshold, you gain access to my vulnerable side. And if they don’t or never do—you don’t.

Your turn: What does it take for somebody to earn your vulnerability?

Just Because

Published on August 21, 2023

Yesterday, a friend of mine got a friend of theirs a custom t-shirt featuring a blown up image of their friend’s childhood dream car drawn by their friend’s very own childhood hand that was joking shared via text but brilliantly airdropped, screen printed, and airbrushed onto a plain white t-shirt—complete with nickname AND racing stripes… just because.

…These are the kinds of friends you want to keep close by in life.

And this is the type of friend more of us should aim to be.

P.s. The dream car was a red Lamborghini. And what the drawn image looked like to an actual Lamborghini is about what Josh Allen’s Buffalo Bills logo looked like to the actual logo. Priceless.

Moments Never Forgotten

Published on August 13, 2023

It’s the efforts you make for others when they’re the hardest to make—and the others know it—that become moments never forgotten.

Because average efforts don’t stand out when recalling an entire timeline of connection… it’s the above and beyond efforts that do.

Remember this the next time you have a chance to make an effort that’s feeling particularly above and beyond. It could end up leading to some of the moments that stay with the other… forever.