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Category: Transforming Pain

Heaviness Serves A Purpose

Published on May 21, 2024

With heaviness comes slowness, naturally.

And one lesson I’m trying to absorb is that of acceptance—the one that doesn’t fight reality or curse the resistance, but relaxes into the moment for what it is and tries to instead move forward with whatever it presents.

And if heaviness is what I’ve been given, then maybe slowness is how I’m supposed to respond… so that I might stop fighting and cursing and rushing around from place to place and can start intentionally noticing, settling, and feeling instead.

How To Honor Lost Loved Ones

Published on May 20, 2024

One of the best things I think we can do to honor the ones we have lost is create a space where we can regularly bring them to mind and then carry with us the best of their life’s legacy—acting as a vehicle of sorts—so as to continue their and elevate our influence in the world.

It’s almost as though we’re opening the doors to our car each morning and letting them in… the best versions of all of our lost loved ones… so that we can carry them with us throughout our day(s)—rather than rushing from our homes late, flustered, and absent-minded.

…From some we might carry with us their legacy of patience, from others we might bring their legacy of love and kindness, and from others maybe we bring their legacy of strength or humor or resilience—but from each… we bring something.

…Leaving us filled with their memory rather than void from their absence and allowing them (and us) to continue interacting positively and constructively with the world.

Inner work prompt: Bring to mind a lost loved one. Meditate on their life and condense their legacy into a word or lesson you can carry with you today… and maybe every day after as well.

The Thought That Counts

Published on May 18, 2024

My instinctual response when I’m sad/grieving is “That’s okay… I’m fine… Thank you though.”

It’s what I’ll say when people ask if there’s anything they can do… if there’s anything I need… if I want company or conversation or food or distractions or hugs…

I’m not entirely sure why, but maybe it’s because I want to feel and deal with the weight of it all on my own… maybe it’s because I’m introverted and simply don’t have it in me to expend any more energy being with others at that time… maybe it’s because I don’t want to inconvenience others and/or bring them into the wave of emotion I’m helplessly immersed in… maybe it’s all of the above mixed together… or maybe it’s none and I’m just trying to put on a facade of strength…

And while I genuinely mean it (and believe it) when I say, “It’s okay…” “I’ll be fine…” “Thank you so much for thinking of me, though…” I also must say that I’d be way more sad/broken without the offers, thoughts, and/or sentiments at all.

In this case… it really is the thought that counts.

Thank you—to all those who have been thinking of me during this tough time.

The Heaviest It’ll Be

Published on May 16, 2024

I’m still heavy in my feels about Stella.

I don’t want to write about something else. I don’t want to move on. I don’t want to accept this new reality.

Whenever I do something distractionary, I feel fogged and heavy.

Whenever I rise from my chair or open the living room gate, I feel a nagging absence.

And whenever I think I’ve cried all I could cry—something arbitrary will make me cry some more.

This is the nature of grief.

No sense to be made. No lessons to be applied. No explanation that’ll do.

Just the weight of it all.

…And the understanding that this weight, now and in every bit of its crushing form, is the heaviest it’ll be.

RIP Stella

Published on May 15, 2024

I could tell you about her gorgeous fur, kind eyes, and how her butt shaked when she greeted you.

I could tell you about the rituals she loved most—from morning poops, to house sprints when the mailman (finally) arrived, to evening walks… the ones we took religiously and only ever missed one handful of times.

I could tell you about how much she hated other dogs, but how much she loved other people—and how much I could relate to that, but only flipped in reverse.

I could tell you about the time she busted through the front window and aggressively chased a little dog named Rupert and in the same breath tell you about how god damn good she was—an absolute angel who spent most of her days alone, while I worked, and patiently kept herself preoccupied, radiating with love, keeping the house warm for my return.

I could tell you about how it was just her and I… how it was we who made our house into a home… and how proud I was to have her as a dog and companion… how proud I was to introduce her and show her off to everyone I knew.

…But I know that, to those of you who never met her, she’ll only ever be just another dog.

Which is okay. I wouldn’t wish grief on any of you.

…But do me a favor and remember: the difference between Stella and you, and Stella and me, is the time we spent together—something that can’t be explained or substituted—something that’ll be just as true for you and yours, and them and me.

Why I Force Myself To Write Daily

Published on May 12, 2024

I’m struggling to come up with a topic to write about today.

And part of me wonders… wouldn’t it be better to write and publish only if I have something potent and juicy enough to share?

…Like, why force myself to write something every… single… day?

And then the other part of me remembers… there isn’t a day I write that I don’t struggle.

It’s rare that I ever sit down to write and know exactly what I want to say or exactly what story I want to share.

And even on those days… I don’t think I would recognize the insights or stories as they unfolded in my day if I didn’t have an obligation to myself to write… if I didn’t have my daily time block and space… if I didn’t force myself to look inward and be patient as my mind settles…

And what never ceases to amaze me is where that little bit of forced inner work leads me… like how I arrived here… with this one minute daily piece typed out… a staple in the legacy of my writing… a gift that just might be well received… something made from nothing…

And something that definitely never would’ve been… if I left it up to “when I feel like it” or “when I have something potent and juicy enough to share.”

When Life Is Fair

Published on April 30, 2024

“If life is fair, and it will be, it will serve you immeasurable beauties, joys and pleasures—you will feel at times that you do not have the capacity to take them in. You will. Our hearts they are boundless. If life is fair, and it will be, it will bring you huge, merciless sorrows. Devastations of your boundless heart. I wish for you the grace to persevere and accept them across time, for that is the only way these kinds of things can be taken in.”

Dan Weiss

While it is undeniably true that life is unfair in the circumstances into which we are born (i.e. socioeconomic status, parents, access to resources, etc), and in how some people are born into and taken from this world without a fighting chance, it’s also true that for most of us, life is fair in how we’re all going to feel the entire spectrum of human emotions.

…We’re each going to feel joy and pleasure just as we’re each going to feel sorrow and devastation. We’re each going to feel the mesmerizing beauty of love just as we’re each going to feel the heart-wrenching pain of loss. We’re each going to feel grateful and sentimental; nervous and insecure; jealous and enraged; lonely and shameful; amazed and confused; euphoric and peaceful…

…Not at the same times and not in equal proportions, but in full nonetheless. So when you’re thriving, soak it all the way in. And when you’re struggling, remember, you’re never alone. And just because you’re feeling something different than us, doesn’t mean we won’t or don’t feel that, too. Be patient and be kind…

…Because on this front—life is fair.