It’s easy to do kindness after you’ve been acted kindly to.
But, it takes a real one to do kindness when you’ve had someone act the opposite to you.
What we need aren’t more people who can wait for kindness to happen to them so they can then pay it forward.
What we need are more people who can initiate kindness when nobody is talking about it… when only the opposite is on display… when curveballs galore are wrecking everybody’s day.
Because it’s then—precisely then—when kindness is needed most.
The first time I heard the song Who Do You Love by ARTY feat. Rozzi, was when I was dead in the middle of running my first ultramarathon.
…Like dead.
…In the middle… maybe not even half way.
…While running a 50k in the desert.
And right before I heard it… it was dusty and rugged and mute. And I was alone. And I was hurting. And I was trying to quiet the deflating chatter of my mind. And I was definitely questioning my life choices.
And then… I heard the song faintly in the distance. And then I heard it getting progressively louder behind me. And then I was starting to wonder if I was hallucinating… Until, lo and behold, a dude on his bike with a bluetooth speaker strapped to his basket passed by with the song blasting.
And the song filled me with the life that was quickly exiting my body in that moment. And it gave me the mental patching I needed to hold more of that life inside as I continued on my way… like a mechanic expertly patching a pierced tire that was in danger of soon hitting rim to road. And I even got a boost that allowed me to pump my arms to the beat, crack a smile, and shout him out as he passed.
And not even a minute later… he was gone.
…Peddled off into the dusty desert going wherever his wind blew him.
…And I never saw him again.
And this was all it took to give me the critical boost I needed to carry on with my fight.
…No interaction. No major endeavor. No fancy tactics.
…Just vibes.
Gifting is one of the core principles at Burning Man.
The idea is that everybody brings more than they need so that each participant can practice decommodification (another core principle) and can devote themselves to unconditional gift giving.
Gifting does not contemplate a return or an exchange for something of equal value—which can be a foreign concept to grasp in our transactionary world. In fact, those who try and pay, barter, or otherwise offer a return for a gift miss the point entirely—the point is to have an emotional exchange (more on that here).
That said, one of the best gifts I received from Burning Man didn’t come from Burning Man—and I received some incredible, breath-taking gifts.
…The best gift I received came from those who made it possible for me to go TO Burning Man.
Specifically, my mom who house and dog sat for me for the entire duration of my trip and my coworkers who stepped up and helped run the martial arts school for me while I was completely off grid.
The gift they provided was one I’ll truly never forget: the experience as a whole.
…And this is one of the greatest gifts we can offer one another.
Not only the gift of experiences shared, but those unshared.
The gift of allowing other people the freedom to travel, adventure, and explore all that this life has to offer—even if (especially if) that means staying back and covering for them while they’re gone. Not because we don’t want to go, but because in allowing them to go, we gift them wings—and nothing should feel better than watching them fly.
Anyone who says “That’s just how I am” (or something along those lines) is fixed in their ways and isn’t interested in changing.
Don’t waste any additional effort on trying to change / influence their mind if they believe their behaviors / actions are innate / unchangeable.
We all have the ability to change.
But, not until we can at least admit it to ourselves and adopt the mindset of “I’m willing to work on that.”
Don’t let upset people upset you.
Don’t let angry people anger you.
Don’t let frustrated people frustrate you.
Let your mind become a relentless filter that protects the purity of your thoughts from the unforgiving (oftentimes misunderstood) feelings of the world.
How to do this?
By understanding that:
Upset people are feeling upset for a reason.
Angry people would much rather not be angry.
Frustrated people have been trying their hardest and to no avail.
Once we stop taking things personally and understand that everybody is probably just doing the best they can, with what they have (and have been given), where they are—we can approach these interactions with compassion and curiosity instead.
And, if it becomes obvious that they are not interested in changing their state or getting any help from you—you move on.
No harm; no foul.
Their state is a reflection of them—your state is a reflection of you.
No need to get them twisted.
Acquire a sense of inner peace and you’ll save thousands of others.
When people are in times of conflict, even more important sometimes than words of advice or helpful actions is simply a peaceful presence.
A solid boulder that can slow the raging river. A brick house that can protect against the ravaging storm. A clear mind that can cut through the invasive fog.
See, a person who has acquired a sense of inner peace brings peace with them everywhere they go. Their impact is made constantly without any specific efforts on their part.
…And so it is for the person who carries conflict with them everywhere they go.
If we care about the impact we have on others, what we have to remember is the lesson that Maya Angelou so wisely shared: “At the end of the day people won’t remember what you said or did, they will remember how you made them feel.”
Which means: what people feel from our presence is where the real impact is made.
Focus less on always having to say or do exactly the right thing. A lot of times, the stress and anxiety produced by this desire becomes counterproductive to the very message we’re working so hard to get right.
Focus on being instead.
Being intentional. Being compassionate. Being mindful. Being grateful. Being calm.
Being at peace.
Our impact outward will ripple in proportion to the impact we’ve made on ourselves inward.