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Category: Helping Others

The Thought That Counts

My instinctual response when I’m sad/grieving is “That’s okay… I’m fine… Thank you though.”

It’s what I’ll say when people ask if there’s anything they can do… if there’s anything I need… if I want company or conversation or food or distractions or hugs…

I’m not entirely sure why, but maybe it’s because I want to feel and deal with the weight of it all on my own… maybe it’s because I’m introverted and simply don’t have it in me to expend any more energy being with others at that time… maybe it’s because I don’t want to inconvenience others and/or bring them into the wave of emotion I’m helplessly immersed in… maybe it’s all of the above mixed together… or maybe it’s none and I’m just trying to put on a facade of strength…

And while I genuinely mean it (and believe it) when I say, “It’s okay…” “I’ll be fine…” “Thank you so much for thinking of me, though…” I also must say that I’d be way more sad/broken without the offers, thoughts, and/or sentiments at all.

In this case… it really is the thought that counts.

Thank you—to all those who have been thinking of me during this tough time.

Don’t Let Your Strength Weaken The Ones Around You

Sometimes (oftentimes) the best thing you can do to help the people around you grow… is less.

…Yes, lead by example.

…Yes, do for others what you would want done for you.

…Yes, offer support, take initiative, and maintain a strong work ethic.

But, also…

…Share the hard(er) work, large(r) opportunities, and high(er) pressure situations.

…Give people space to explore, experiment, and figure things out on their own.

…Allow people to struggle and mess up and fail.

Growth happens outside our zones of comfort. And if we keep the people around us too comfortable (by doing much of the uncomfortable work)—contrary to what we might see as a service to them—what we’re actually doing to them is a disservice.

Because while being comfortable is what we think we want in any given moment (and what we might think we want from the people around us/working with us)… what we actually want is to do something we can be proud of… something that challenged us and made us better… something that helped us realize our potential.

And sometimes (oftentimes) that only happens when the stronger people around us… do less.

P.s. Borrowing Strength Builds Weakness – A Lesson From My 104 Year Old Grandmother

What To Say To Those In The Storm

A student of mine broke her ankle doing a jumping kick in my martial arts class last night.

…And this was literally a few weeks after she just got her boot off from having broken that same ankle just a few months ago.

Another student has been trying to come back from a similar broken bone situation… but keeps getting slammed with various colds and sicknesses.

…And, to her dismay, has only been able to attend a handful of classes over the course of two months.

Another student came up to me last night and told me some heartbreaking news that… on top of the surgery she might have to get on her hip… and on top of the sicknesses that keep coming up in her family… her mom got diagnosed with cancer.

Life, like mother nature herself, has seasons.

Sometimes its sunny and seventy; and sometimes it’s hella cloudy and rainy.

…And sometimes, as the expression goes, it doesn’t just rain—it pours.

It’s hard to know what to say in these situations because there aren’t any words that’ll keep a person dry when it’s pouring rain and they’re already wet.

…But, maybe if you can let them know you’ll be there with them as the pouring rain comes down, and that there’s an umbrella you can share, and that you’ll be a source of warmth for them as the cold, heavy drops carry more and more of their warmth away and into the ground…

…Maybe you can make the storm suck a little less and help them see their way to the other side.

Initiating Kindness

It’s easy to do kindness after you’ve been acted kindly to.

But, it takes a real one to do kindness when you’ve had someone act the opposite to you.

What we need aren’t more people who can wait for kindness to happen to them so they can then pay it forward.

What we need are more people who can initiate kindness when nobody is talking about it… when only the opposite is on display… when curveballs galore are wrecking everybody’s day.

Because it’s then—precisely then—when kindness is needed most.

P.s. 101 Acts of Kindness To Help Recalibrate The World

Just Vibes

The first time I heard the song Who Do You Love by ARTY feat. Rozzi, was when I was dead in the middle of running my first ultramarathon.

…Like dead.

…In the middle… maybe not even half way.

…While running a 50k in the desert.

And right before I heard it… it was dusty and rugged and mute. And I was alone. And I was hurting. And I was trying to quiet the deflating chatter of my mind. And I was definitely questioning my life choices.

And then… I heard the song faintly in the distance. And then I heard it getting progressively louder behind me. And then I was starting to wonder if I was hallucinating… Until, lo and behold, a dude on his bike with a bluetooth speaker strapped to his basket passed by with the song blasting.

And the song filled me with the life that was quickly exiting my body in that moment. And it gave me the mental patching I needed to hold more of that life inside as I continued on my way… like a mechanic expertly patching a pierced tire that was in danger of soon hitting rim to road. And I even got a boost that allowed me to pump my arms to the beat, crack a smile, and shout him out as he passed.

And not even a minute later… he was gone.

…Peddled off into the dusty desert going wherever his wind blew him.

…And I never saw him again.

And this was all it took to give me the critical boost I needed to carry on with my fight.

…No interaction. No major endeavor. No fancy tactics.

…Just vibes.

The Gift of Experience (Unshared)

Gifting is one of the core principles at Burning Man.

The idea is that everybody brings more than they need so that each participant can practice decommodification (another core principle) and can devote themselves to unconditional gift giving.

Gifting does not contemplate a return or an exchange for something of equal value—which can be a foreign concept to grasp in our transactionary world. In fact, those who try and pay, barter, or otherwise offer a return for a gift miss the point entirely—the point is to have an emotional exchange (more on that here).

That said, one of the best gifts I received from Burning Man didn’t come from Burning Man—and I received some incredible, breath-taking gifts.

…The best gift I received came from those who made it possible for me to go TO Burning Man.

Specifically, my mom who house and dog sat for me for the entire duration of my trip and my coworkers who stepped up and helped run the martial arts school for me while I was completely off grid.

The gift they provided was one I’ll truly never forget: the experience as a whole.

…And this is one of the greatest gifts we can offer one another.

Not only the gift of experiences shared, but those unshared.

The gift of allowing other people the freedom to travel, adventure, and explore all that this life has to offer—even if (especially if) that means staying back and covering for them while they’re gone. Not because we don’t want to go, but because in allowing them to go, we gift them wings—and nothing should feel better than watching them fly.

I’m Willing To Work On That

Anyone who says “That’s just how I am” (or something along those lines) is fixed in their ways and isn’t interested in changing.

Don’t waste any additional effort on trying to change / influence their mind if they believe their behaviors / actions are innate / unchangeable.

We all have the ability to change.

But, not until we can at least admit it to ourselves and adopt the mindset of “I’m willing to work on that.”