During a night out with friends this past weekend, I had more fun doing car karaoke in the 30-minute commute to and from a California club than I did in the club itself featuring a DJ that has 300+ million streams on Spotify where we spent 4 hours.
Just another reminder that fun isn’t tied to cost, length, or prestige.
Fun is tied to perspective.
…And bringing a deliberate and intentional fun into your perspective is often all that’s really needed.
On a flight to San Diego, California, I got to talking with a mom who had two kids.
On the topic of parenting, she mentioned that her and her husband split the responsibilities 50/50… but not in the way you might think.
One day, she will do 100% of the parenting roles. Including meal prep, transportation, chores, homework assistance, bedtime, etc. And while she’s doing that, the husband gets time to himself to eat out, spend time with friends, relax from chores, do his own extracurricular activities/hobbies, do inner work, etc.
On the next day, the husband will do 100% of the parenting roles and the wife gets to do whatever she would like in the same above mentioned ways.
They’ve been doing it this way for years and she said it works incredibly well for them. The reason? They’re not both trying to do all of the above mentioned things—parenting and personal work—all at the same time.
…Which usually results in a fulfilling completion of none of it for anybody.
Instead they’re giving each other a chance to focus on one specific avenue—parenting or personal work—and allowing for enough space and time to do it in full.
Listening to poetry makes me want to compose poetry. Therefore, I should listen to more poetry.
Watching incredible martial artists perform makes me want to train martial arts. Therefore, I should watch more incredible martial artists perform.
Seeing people act kindly, thoughtfully, and truthfully makes me want to do the same. Therefore, I should surround myself with people who act as such as frequently as I’m able.
What comes in through the senses begets more of the same back out. Choosing (controlling) what comes in is still a highly underrated strategy for controlling what comes back out.
Yesterday I tested one of my seven-year-old martial arts students for her next colored belt.
When I asked her to do push-ups, she reflexively said, “I can’t do that!”
And I, just as reflexively, responded with, “Say, ‘I’m going to try my best’ instead.”
And as she said it, you could see her body language update in real time.
“I can’t do that” elicited a frown, slouched shoulders, a hunched back, and a defeated plop on the mat before a single push-up was even attempted.
“I’m going to try my best” resulted in furrowed eyebrows, focused eyes, straightened posture, and an incredibly clean, full range-of-motion, off-the-knees push up.
We didn’t stop after just that one, of course, and I encouraged her to do as many more as she could on her knees for a designated amount of time.
…I wanted to make sure she had a chance to really give the exercise a good effort so that she knew she was capable of more than she thought—even though I think she had already surprised herself after that first off-the-knees rep.
Here’s the thing: as it is for kids, so too should it be for us adults.
We might not blurt out, “I can’t do that” anymore. But I can tell you right now, we all have encoded that exact message into our lives using alternate words.
“I’m too busy…”
“I’m too old…”
“I’m too out of shape…”
…Decoded? “I can’t do that.”
Maybe it’s not that you’re any of those… maybe it’s just that you’re telling yourself that you are.
Maybe you just need to tell yourself you’re going to try your best… and go do exactly that.
If I suddenly forgot everything about my life and was told to piece back together who I was… a good place to look for clues might be the things in my house, what shows up on my social media feeds, and my camera roll.
What you’d find in my house are vegan food items, books galore, exercise equipment, DJ decks, unique wall decor, and more…
What you’d find in my social media feeds are martial arts clips, DJ sets, creator strategies, basketball drills, inspirational speeches, and more…
What you’d find in my camera roll are pictures of my family/friends/students, travel shots, music show videos and dancing clips, recorded stories and ideas I wanted to share, and maybe a few selfies or moments of me in noteworthy moments or while I was in my element.
The thing about camera rolls, social media feeds, and collected items is it communicates priority or attention.
And what we pay attention to tells us volumes about who we are.
Take a closer look at what the above communicates about you in your life. Do you like the picture it paints? Or are you paying attention to things that are in conflict with who you are or who you want to be?
And finally, pay attention to the things you pay attention to in your life. There’s still so much you have yet to discover about yourself and what captures your attention is a clue that there’s something deeper worth exploring.
On the surface, it appears masochistic and idiotic.
But when we dig deeper… we might realize it’s actually to serve a need.
Brianna Wiest, author of The Mountain Is You, points out that, “Being successful can make you less liked. Finding love can make you more vulnerable. Making yourself less attractive can guard you. Playing small allows you to avoid scrutiny. Procrastinating puts you back in a place of comfort.“
We self-sabotage because we’re serving the needs of a lower version of ourself.
The practice—the inner work—is about learning how to identify and act in ways that’s aligned with the opposite—our highest version.
Rather than blindly serving the needs of our lower version self, we need to ask ourselves, “What would my highest version do?”
And rather than ignoring, suppressing, or hiding behind behaviors that self-sabotage… we need to unpack, dissect, and understand them.
And by committing to a regular practice that leads to growth, we might find that being successful can make us like ourselves more… that finding love can make us feel more fulfilled… that making ourselves more attractive can be exciting… and that by playing big, taking action, and staying outside of our comfort zone can allow us to maximize our time here on earth.
P.s. Here’s a list of my favorite quotes from The Mountain Is You by Brianna Wiest.
Sometimes when I sit in my backyard and close my eyes… the rustling of the trees sounds like the caressing of the waves on a shoreline.
Sometimes when I’m driving to work with my windows down, music up, and hand out the window surfing the wind… I forget I even have a destination and feel as free as I ever did roadtripping.
Sometimes when I’m reading a book at home… I can feel as filled with wonder, awe, and curiosity as I ever did while walking the streets of a foreign city or natural landscape.
It’s a reminder for me that wherever you go—there you are.
If you aren’t happy where you are, you will not be happy where you go.
The scenery, the novelty, the freshness might distract you for a little while. But once it settles—and trust me, it settles—what’s left is you… the perceiver. The witnesser. The experience interpreter.
And if you can do the inner work that’ll give your perception novelty and freshness… then it won’t ever matter where you are…
There you’ll be.