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Category: Identity

The Paradox Of Personal Change

Published on May 13, 2021

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”

Carl Rogers, Via MoveMe Quotes

Putting on a mask doesn’t change who you are. It may change your outward appearance, but underneath—there you are. Wearing a mask might make you feel different and therefore may entice you to act different, but, when the mask comes off—so, too, does the behavior. They are intertwined. If they weren’t, then why wear the mask?

Social media is the modern-day digital mask. It allows you to change your outward appearance at scale. From the comfort of your home, you can filter how you look, prop up a facade to change the way you live, and surround yourself with people pumped up on vanity metrics. But, after you’re done thumbing through your phone and the screen turns off—there you are. No different than you were before you turned the phone on.

When you accept yourself just as you are, what you’re really doing is accepting your current situation and limitations—as they are. You’re not trying to pretend you’re somebody you’re not, who is living a lifestyle you actually aren’t, who is doing things you, in fact, are not. You’re admitting to yourself your real identity, what you’re actually capable of, and what your current situation will realistically allow you to do.

And there you are. And finally, the real change can begin.

Deciding Who You Want To Be—Thinking Vs. Telling

Published on May 3, 2021

“First tell yourself what kind of person you want to be, then do what you have to do. For in nearly every pursuit we see this to be the case. Those in athletic pursuits first choose the sport they want, and then do that work.”

Epictetus, via MoveMe Quotes

Telling yourself what kind of person you want to be isn’t the same as thinking to yourself what kind of person you want to be. Telling yourself is definitive—it represents a decision made. Thinking to yourself is undecided—it represents an ongoing debate. And how can you become someone you aren’t sure you want to be?

Before you can become the person you want to become, you have to decide who, exactly, that is. This is why telling yourself comes first. Most people, I suspect, keep a rough idea somewhere in their mind and roughly do what they think they have to do. But, their actions aren’t precisely pointed and are, as a result, ambiguous.

In athletic pursuits, picking comes pre-packaged with the correlated work—there’s no ambiguity. Pick basketball and your work will be dribbling, shooting, and passing. Pick baseball and your work will be catching, throwing, and hitting. Pick volleyball and your work will be serving, bumping, and spiking. And so forth.

In character development, however, we need to draw out our own work after we pick who we want to be—it’s unclear and can be confusing. If we pick kind, for example, we need to decide to whom, in what ways, how often, what we’ll do even if we don’t want to be kind, and so forth. It certainly isn’t as simple as dribbling, throwing, and spiking.

But, here’s the thing: it can be. To whom? Everybody. In what ways? Smiling, saying “Hi” first, complimenting, contributing, and listening. How often? In each moment. And if I don’t want to be kind? Create a boundary, remind yourself of your “why,” and spend some time improving your state. And lo and behold, you’ll have your work drawn out for you.

It’s only simple after it’s drawn out—not before. Before we decide who we want to become, we’re essentially moving our pencil across a blank piece of paper arbitrarily. Drawing happens, but without an outcome that we actually desire—because we haven’t identified what that outcome is! Once we decide, suddenly, our hand guides our pencil in an entirely different way. And what was once random and confusing, becomes pointed and clear.