Category: Identity

Most of us have two consistent spaces in our lives where we get to socialize, experiment, and express ourselves: home and either work or school.

At various times in our lives, there’s a third or fourth space that gives us a chance to further express different sides of our identity. The one that isn’t taking on the role of mother/father/brother/sister/etc or that gets to break free from the role of grade A student or model employee or strict boss. This might have been a local community center, church group, sports team, restaurant/café, shopping center, volunteer organization, etc.

And then at other times in our lives, we lose those third and fourth spaces and slowly allow ourselves to get pigeonholed back into just having two spaces. Or—especially after the pandemic and the rise of remote work—one space only.

The challenge with having only one or two spaces to express yourself and live is that it limits the range of expression of your identity.

I can tell you this first hand. When I’m at home or with my family, I take on my introvert or son/brother identity. When I’m at work, I take on my Martial Arts Instructor/Manager identity.

…But where’s the space for my shooting the crap with friends side of my identity? Or my carefree, speak my mind, unfiltered side? Or my adventurous, exploratory, instigative side?

…I need to actively seek out or create a third or fourth space to honor those sides.

Ask yourself what sides of your identity you’re not giving space to and then reverse engineer your way to a space that honors that type of expression.

…Let your identity stretch its limbs once again.

At a recent holiday party that was being hosted at the school I teach at, I put on fun dance music, had a big group of kids make a circle and told them to copy whoever was voted to go into the middle.

The kids who were voted in danced, jumped, spun, cartwheeled, ran, slid, kicked, ducked, jumping jacked, wormed, can opened, back bent, and so much more—with very little hesitation or self-consciousness. And there was a 100% participation rate.

After a few rounds of that, I told the kids to just dance however they wanted to—that there was no need to copy any more. And they all pretty much did.

…Except one little boy who couldn’t have been older than seven who came up to me and said, “I am not the dancing type.”

Which was curious to me because he participated and moved the entire time we were in the copying rounds.

So I responded as unhesitatingly as I could and said, “That’s okay, you don’t have to be. Just keep copying the other kids and don’t worry what anybody else thinks.”

And so he agreed and went off jumping, spinning, cartwheeling, running, sliding, kicking, ducking, jumping jacking, worming, can opening, back bending, and so much more.

I don’t know how he came to the conclusion—at seven—that he wasn’t the “dancing type,” but what I saw was a kid who was “dancing” just as good as any other on that floor.

And it was a wonderful reminder that the words that follow “I am…” follow you. So be VERY careful what words you choose to fill in that blank with.

With each reflected upon experience, we learn something about ourselves.

…Something goes well and we make a mental note to try and repeat that experience.

…Something goes wrong and we make a mental note to try and not repeat that experience.

The more we do this, the more self-aware we become. Until eventually, we get to a point where we feel like we know ourselves pretty damn well.

…We know what boosts us up and we know what brings us down. We know what makes us cheery and helpful—and we know what makes us irritable and withdrawn. We know what keeps us calm and we know what ticks us off.

And while there’s no doubt that this type of insight is invaluable to a person… it can also slowly become a crutch.

Oscar Wilde once said, “To define is to limit”—and this is precisely what we do to ourselves the more we “define” ourselves. The more sure we are that we’re “not a morning person”—the more we limit our ability to experience joy in the morning. The more sure we are that we “can’t function without food at a certain time”—the more we limit our ability to perform if we ever aren’t able to eat at that certain time. The more sure we are that we “aren’t the person who does that—whatever “that” is—the more we limit ourselves from ever trying.

Self-awareness is a superpower—don’t get me wrong.

But, try not to be so self-aware that you leave yourself no room to breathe into any new/fresh identities or take on any new/fresh experiences.

The way we act is a byproduct of a lifetime of trial, “error,” and adjustment.

I put error in quotations because it’s subjective. It depends on what we define as “error” based on environmental responses—particularly in how people treat us.

We act a certain way, get feedback from our environment, and either reinforce or adjust. The goal, of course, being to move in the direction of safe, seen, and heard.

If we grow up in an unsafe environment, we may be forced to take safety into our own hands and practice fighting, toughening up, and preparing for unexpected violence.

If we grow up in an ignored / overlooked / misunderstood environment, we may attempt to feel seen and heard in alternative ways. Like acting out, dressing flamboyantly, or engaging in risky behavior.

Individual cases, of course, can be far more nuanced than this.

But, if we don’t take some time to stop and look inward, we might not realize we’re acting a certain way based on expired environmental circumstances—and we can update how we act to our updated environments.

Or, better yet, we can update how we act towards an ideal regardless of our current environments and practice self-growth that’s independent of outside influence.

The realization is this: the only thing stopping you from acting more fun, loving, calm, cool, confident, joyful, compassionate, etc.—is your current beliefs about how you “should” or “have to” act based on past experiences.

…And all you have to do is change your mind.

I tend to undervalue myself the most when I’m in a comparison mindset with “the best.”

This happened most frequently when I was most active on social media—Instagram in particular. I would see elite athletes with impeccable physiques—and I’d undervalue my own. I would see the most attractive, most highly desired people—and I’d laugh at the prospect of my own (attraction). I would listen to the most incredible insights and see people speak with the most incredible conviction—and I’d form limiting beliefs around my ability to deliver the same.

Once I became aware of this connection, I slowly started to wane off all social media—Instagram mostly. And what I noticed is a proportional increase in my own feelings of self-worth and value. When you mitigate the comparison opportunities, you slowly start to increase your self-worth building opportunities. Because ultimately, the value I or you or any of us has to give, has nothing to do with the value someone else is able to bring.

Our value is a unique, independent gift—and when we do things, or expose ourselves to things, that make us not want to share our gifts, it’s the people in our own circles, who only we can uniquely impact who suffer and miss out as a result.

I learned my lesson. And I’m still working on minimizing and even mitigating social media use. What drives me is a desire to add more and more value to my own life so I can, more and more, add value to the lives of others.

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P.s. Your turn. Use the above question as an inner work prompt and see what comes up.