Category: Thinking Clearly

Embracers of Challenge and Masters of Perspective

Published on November 19, 2024

When I write about “embracers of challenge and masters of perspective,” here’s what I mean:

One of my teenage students was telling me about how she fell down in the middle of her martial arts weapon performance. It was a form she decided to make more difficult the week of the tournament and yet, even though she fell and felt “so embarrassed,” she also said she was so glad she did it and can’t wait to own it at the next one.

A group of my adult students were telling me about how they all—maybe five or six of them—forgot the memorization of their traditional weapon form. All of them. Blanked. And yet, this is the email I got from one of them: “Our group of competitors learned a lot of humility when attempting and failing our weapon forms. We all knew we didn’t do it correctly and immediately cheered on our competitors to not quit. We all finished and were able to laugh at ourselves and cheer each other on for our next tournament. This group of competitors is just so amazing. We all strive for nothing but our best but do not break each other down. Love this family!!!!”

Another one of my adult students (48 years old), decided to compete in her first ever tournament. She’s a mother of two, a wife, has been training for 2+ years and simply hadn’t pulled the trigger to do one. And when I asked what her ideal outcome would be she said, “just getting through it—place isn’t important, getting this first one under my belt is the real victory.” …And I couldn’t agree more.

Competition Success vs Life Success

Published on November 18, 2024

Competitions aren’t designed to build confidence, they’re designed to challenge competitors.

When I think about confidence, I think about success remembered. Remembering a time (or many times) when I successfully did the thing I’m about to do—that I’m scared to do—is about as reassuring as it gets… because it’s tangible, evidence-based proof.

And when I think about traditional settings of competition, where there’s one first place winner and a group of three or more competitors, more competitors will end up losing than winning. And “losing” isn’t the foundation that confidence is built upon.

But—and this is a BIG but—losses learned from IS the foundation that life success is built upon.

As I mentioned in the beginning, competitions are designed to challenge the competitor. And what is life but a disproportionate amount of challenge compared to ease? And what makes challenges so challenging…? The fact that we keep losing when we’re trying to win!

See, when we learn how to manage the “losses” appropriately… when we learn to contextualize what’s really happening when we compete (is it really about the first place trophy?)… when we learn to roll with the punches, extract the lessons, and return to our practice with fresh insights—better insights than we had before…

How could we ever really lose?

Demanding competition success isn’t helping with life success—especially if it’s removing the challenge from the experience. Teaching competitors how to become embracers of challenge and masters of perspective… now that is a foundation that will set them up for life.

The Opposite of Human

Published on November 17, 2024

I’ve competed in hundreds of martial arts tournaments throughout my life.

And while the goal was always to perform my routine perfectly… or fight my fights flawlessly… or do my demos without even the faintest of mistakes… I can’t think of a single time when I actually did any of that.

What I do remember are highlight moments when I nailed a really hard move or scored a picture perfect point… but most of all… I remember the feelings…

I remember the intensity of the nerves… the shakiness of my legs… the feeling of being in a foreign body that felt nothing like it did in practice…

And I remember the intensity of the highs when I triumphed… the sense of accomplishment when I’d finish a long day of competition… the feelings of pride and dignity when I was recognized by others as having done well.

And I think to myself about how many potent life experiences I would’ve missed out on if I waited to compete until I felt perfectly ready… or if after my first few experiences of not having flawless performances—I gave up…

The reality is this: perfect is the opposite of human.

And if you feel like you’re living a lackluster existence… like you’re missing depth in your life… like the days feel more gray than colorful…

Then maybe you should question what kind of role perfection plays in your life. Because as tough as it might sound… embracing imperfect action is the path that’ll lead you the other way.

P.s. ICYMI, you can read the best of what I posted to MoveMe Quotes last week here.

From “Winging It” To Strategy

Published on November 12, 2024

If you wake up and “wing it”—you’ll always fall victim to what’s urgent and distractionary.

If while you’re winging it, however, you discover there’s something important that you missed, could’ve done better, or did too late… and you create a reminder or system for next time…

Then suddenly you have a strategy.

And the next morning, when you wake up and follow it—you’ll likely notice a few things:

1. You’ll feel a pull to go back to what’s urgent and distractionary. Quick dopamine will always have an appeal, but at the expense of doing what’s meaningful long-term. Keep your prior lessons at the forefront of your mind.
2. You’ll discover something else that’s important that needs to get prioritized. And so the iteration goes. Slowly but surely, you’re strategy will grow and improve and become a productivity force to be reckoned with.
3. You’ll start to feel a little better about what you got done during that day. Quick dopamine wears off and leaves you feeling empty. Getting done important stuff leaves you with a lasting feeling of goodness.

Here’s the thing: we all start by winging it.

…It’s how we figure things out when we don’t have any experience or guidance to reference or fall back on.

But, continuing to wing it is a choice.

And not turning learned experiences into a strategy is a choice.

The question is: What kind of choices are you making in your day-to-day?

P.s. I started uploading quotes from The Win Within by Bert Mandelbaum today. You can grab a copy and read along here.

Does Family Come First?

Published on November 10, 2024

…Is it true that, as the expression goes, family [should be prioritized] over everything?

No—if you’re talking about prioritizing family over yourself. Yes—if you’re talking about what priority comes first after you. You wouldn’t be doing anybody a service by ignoring your own needs, trying to service others from a state of misery, and—as the proverbial expression goes—fill family members’ cups from your empty one. There’s a bit of a caveat when considering high-need dependents. And even then, the priority of the dependents and the needs of the self should be intricately intertwined and considered with equal priority… looked at as almost one unit instead of two.

No—if your definition of family is limited to blood relatives. Yes—if your definition of family is inclusive of those who have proven to be the most important to you in your life. Proven is the key word. Being a blood relative who can’t be trusted… who has a history of manipulation or abuse… who takes advantage or always seems to have an agenda… shouldn’t be prioritized over someone who has proven themselves—over an extended period of time—to be the exact opposite of that. Family should be defined beyond blood.

Two fundamental keys to feeling fulfilled in life are growth and contribution. Point #1 above speaks to growth. Point #2 speaks to who you should contribute to first and foremostly. Do these two things really well and the rest—everything else—I’d say will fall into place.

Inner Work Prompt: I was asked, “Who is a person you met only once that had an impact on your life?” I answered: The Almonds Guy. What about you?

Who’s Stopping You From Growing?

Published on October 30, 2024

Is what’s stopping you from growing contingent on somebody else or yourself?

Are you waiting for somebody else to show you the way forward? Are you waiting for somebody else’s permission to do what you know needs to be done? Are you basing what you do and how you act every day on other people’s moods, how they pay you, and/or how they set up the environment’s you’re in?

Here’s the thing: the only person stopping you from growing is and only ever will be you.

The only way forward shown to you by others is the way they think works best—based on their unique life experiences—not yours.

When reflecting on permission, ask yourself if there’s another avenue forward that isn’t being guarded. Or consider the idea of doing what you know is necessary to grow and asking for forgiveness later—once you’ve leveled up… rather than waiting passively for permission all your life… and staying boxed up.

Basing what you do on other people’s moods, how they pay you, environments they’ve set up is throttling your potential. People’s moods will always be outside of your control. How people pay you is (should be) dependent on how much value you bring—not merely doing what’s expected of you within the confines of a job description. The environment is everything. If you can’t grow, heal, or influence it—leave it. Keeping yourself planted in a toxic environment is killing your growth.

There are endless choices that can be made. And when you’re considering each of them, forget blame. Point the finger at yourself and consider using growth as your north star.

…It’ll never lead you astray.

What To Do With Dread

Published on October 24, 2024

I’ve been dreading taking my car to the shop for its annual inspection for a couple months now.

And not for any reason other than it’s an inconvenience in my day. You know how it goes: I have to arrange for someone to pick me up (and inconvenience their day), figure out what to do for the unknown amount of time it’ll take for the inspection to complete, and then arrange a drop back off once that call comes at some random number of hours later (please stay on call for me while I wait)…

Lucky for me, I have retired parents who can actually be that flexible person for me.

…And you know what?

Today, my mom picked me up after I dropped my car off… we stopped over at my sister’s house and took care of her cats… we got breakfast and caught up for a few hours… we did some errands and crossed a few shopping items off both our lists… and it turned into a really nice excuse to just spend some time together.

My inner work prompt for you today is simply this: where’s the opportunity in this task that you can’t help but feel dread towards? How might this be used or transfused into an excuse to do something nice/fun/productive?