Matt Hogan's Blog

Hurt People, Hurt People—And What We Can Do To Heal Together

Published on May 10, 2021

“Hurt people, hurt people.”
Charles Eads, via MoveMe Quotes

Hate doesn’t just manifest itself from nothing. I believe firmly that we are all born pure manifestations of love and it is only from the suffering of life that we learn to hate. When traced honestly and mindfully, hate can usually be found rooted inside a person from potent and painful experiences. As a coping mechanism, hate acts as a way to retaliate back and hurt others the way that person was hurt.

The sad part, and a key part in this understanding is that usually, the conviction of a person’s hate is correlated to the pain they harbor. It’s where the expression, “Hurt people, hurt people” comes from. And it’s usually the case that really hurt people, really hurt people and less hurt people, hurt people less. Once we understand this, we can more mindfully begin our journey towards healing both within ourselves and with others.

And here’s the thing about healing and helping others heal: I don’t think any of us are “healed.” I think healing is a forever ongoing process. One that requires constant energy, attention, and time. Furthermore, I don’t think any of us are free from hurt. The suffering of life — in some way, shape, or form — is enough to include us all many times over. And with life being as chaotic, unpredictable, and turbulent as it is — the hurt and the healing will forever be changing all the same.

Once we understand the dynamics of hurting and healing, we can appreciate the scope of the situation we’re in. All of us are hurting — some more than others. All of us desire healing — nobody wants to remain hurt. The hurt comes as a given with life — life is suffering. Healing does not come as a given — it must be sought out and applied to one’s self. And as an act of compassion for the other, as we heal from our hurt, we can share what we’ve learned with others — so that they can hurt (and hate) less, too.

A Small Moment Reminder (For Now And For Later)

Published on May 8, 2021

While I was walking my dog, I stepped right into the heavenly scent of backyard cookout for the first time this season and was lifted.

It was one of those “small moments” that had me utterly present and, at least for that short time, made me feel like nothing else mattered.

I’m sure you can think of a time when you were similarly swept off your feet by the majesty of a moment—that place where all of your “matters” seemed to briefly fade away.

Well, here’s the thing: there’s no shortage of “small moments.” And there’s certainly no shortage of things that could captivate your senses.

What we’re actually short on is attention. And what we’re missing is the ongoing opportunity that’s available right in front of us—now, and again, and again…

This post became the introduction for: 19 Quotes from Narrow Road To The Interior on Solitude, Travel, and Poetry

Inertia—And How It Affects Your Life

Published on May 7, 2021

“How much of what you did today was simply due to inertia? Never get so busy that you forget to actively design your life.”
Steph Smith, Twitter

If you were to run a mile, which step would be harder to take—the first step or the last one? I would argue the first. Even though your muscles would be more fresh, it’s your mind and body that would be stale. You have to overcome a state of inactivity before running (or any other activity) and the physics is clear: starting is the hard part.

Don’t you remember this lesson from Physics class? This concept is usually taught with small moveable objects: it’s easier to keep a body in motion than it is to start a stopped body. Well, the same goes for your body. Inertia is the state of inactivity—dormancy—that works to keep your body at rest while you’re resting. Inertia is the heaviness, the resistance, the drag you feel right before you get up to move.

And many times, inertia wins. And more often than you might care to admit, inertia dictates what you actually end up doing each day. Because we humans prefer the path of least resistance and most of the time, that ends up being no path at all. Preoccupied on our phones, distracted by our laptops, busy trying to keep ourselves busy—we find ways to stay put so we don’t have to move our stopped bodies.

But, here’s the thing: we can make starting easier. We can plan our days; block out time; commit to a schedule; minimize the friction of starting; stack a new habit on top of an old one; carry momentum from one task to another; learn to say “no” to unimportant tasks; surround ourselves with people already doing the desired task; find an accountability partner; start a progress journal; ask for help; research ideas.

Never get so busy losing to inertia that you forget to actively design the life you actually want to live.

Let Actions Illustrate Knowledge—Not Words

Published on May 6, 2021

“Today, or anytime, when you catch yourself wanting to condescendingly drop some knowledge that you have, grab it and ask: Would I be better saying words or letting my actions and choices illustrate that knowledge for me?“
Ryan Holiday, via MoveMe Quotes

If you are looking to get in shape, who are you more likely to take advice from? The certified, highly educated, unhealthy trainer — or one of your friends who lives a remarkably healthy lifestyle?

If you are looking to grow your online presence, who are you more likely to listen to? The social media expert, promising 0–100k followers, who has little to no engagement on any of their posts—or the person who posts content that you love engaging with?

When you think about the people who have influenced you the most in your life, do you think specifically about the words they said—or do you think about the way they made you feel from how they acted towards you?

What you will find is that in almost every case what we do speaks louder and has a greater impact than what we say. Even the subtlest of actions may outperform the most potent of words. And so, before you go dropping knowledge bombs on those around you, try subtly modeling the knowledge that you behold instead.

Learn how to get people to hear you without saying anything at all. Learn how to let your presence exemplify your beliefs. Learn how to let your choices reveal your character. Learn how to be the person you advise others to be—and you’ll find that your advise will start becoming more widely received.

Questions That Help Make Boundaries Less “Gray”

Published on May 5, 2021

“Boundaries are a part of self-care. They are healthy, normal, and necessary.”
Doreen Virtue, via MoveMe Quotes

Boundaries look different when used by different people in different situations. What they might look like is: ignoring; avoiding; distancing; deliberately not engaging; strategically defusing or redirecting; mindfully reorganizing routes; changing environments; strong, assertive, direct language; etc.

The tough part is that the situations when boundaries need to be deployed are never black-and-white—they’re always gray-and-unique. This is why we need to find as much clarity ahead of time that we can. Answering these questions before your next encounter with a busybody, an ingrate, an egomaniac, a liar, the jealous, or a crank can help:

What are my limits? How far is too far when it comes to encounters with the above mentioned people?
How can I stay tuned into my feelings when I’m distracted? Is there a way I can remind myself to put up my boundaries even when I’m emotional or not thinking about them?
What might I say if I feel cornered? How can I use direct and assertive language?
What might stop me from deploying my boundaries? Are there un-dealt-with emotions from my past that are enabling these types of above mentioned people in my life?
Who might help me on this journey? Who is really good at this already that I can model my behavior after and/or seek support from?
What is the first, most viable step forward I can take? Rather than seeking to perfect this strategy of putting up my boundaries against those types of people, how can I take small steps towards better boundaries instead?

When you answer these questions, you’ll know how to handle the tough situations. The situations that most people don’t spend any time thinking about and resultantly, don’t know how to handle when they arrive.

And one thing is for sure, they will arrive. The question is, will you be ready?

Fear Is The Path To The Dark Side

Published on May 4, 2021

“Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger; anger leads to hate; hate leads to suffering. I sense much fear in you.”
Yoda, via MoveMe Quotes

Fear initiates our fight-or-flight response. It causes us to tense up our bodies and narrow our vision. It puts us on the defensive. It forces us to raise our outer walls and close off our vulnerabilities. It leaves us emotionally on edge and ready to defend against the threats of the world. It’s the state that readies us for battle.

We don’t go to battle with a sense of love or happiness—we battle with a sense of anger, rage, and/or upset. These emotions are the fuel that amplify our ability to fight or take flight—they are the fuel that amplify war.

And given enough of that fuel, it doesn’t who or what is opposing us, hate blinds the eyes to compassion and understanding and fills the mind only with images of threats and enemies to be neutralized. When we are operating from a place of fear, anger, and hate—enemies, threats, and war is all we see.

And if all we see is enemies, threats, and war—suffering is inevitable.

For what is the antidote to suffering?

Having allies? When you know there are people who have your back and that you can trust even when times get tough. Having enemies is the antithesis of that.
The feeling of connection? Feeling seen and heard and like you can express your authentic self. Feeling threatened is one of the fastest ways to close off your authentic self to the world.
An environment of peace? Having that sense of security, safety, and compassion surround you so that you can relax into the moment. Seeing only war will keep you as tense as a rock in the name of self-preservation.

When you look deeply into yourself, do you see someone who is operating in the world from a place of fear or from a place of confidence? Do you look out into the world and see groupings of potential friends or enemies? Do you feel like you are constantly at war or do you feel like you are walking each step of your life in peace?

Fear is the root cause of suffering; it’s the path to the dark side. Nurture the confidence in yourself and come to the light.

Deciding Who You Want To Be—Thinking Vs. Telling

Published on May 3, 2021

“First tell yourself what kind of person you want to be, then do what you have to do. For in nearly every pursuit we see this to be the case. Those in athletic pursuits first choose the sport they want, and then do that work.”
Epictetus, via MoveMe Quotes

Telling yourself what kind of person you want to be isn’t the same as thinking to yourself what kind of person you want to be. Telling yourself is definitive—it represents a decision made. Thinking to yourself is undecided—it represents an ongoing debate. And how can you become someone you aren’t sure you want to be?

Before you can become the person you want to become, you have to decide who, exactly, that is. This is why telling yourself comes first. Most people, I suspect, keep a rough idea somewhere in their mind and roughly do what they think they have to do. But, their actions aren’t precisely pointed and are, as a result, ambiguous.

In athletic pursuits, picking comes pre-packaged with the correlated work—there’s no ambiguity. Pick basketball and your work will be dribbling, shooting, and passing. Pick baseball and your work will be catching, throwing, and hitting. Pick volleyball and your work will be serving, bumping, and spiking. And so forth.

In character development, however, we need to draw out our own work after we pick who we want to be—it’s unclear and can be confusing. If we pick kind, for example, we need to decide to whom, in what ways, how often, what we’ll do even if we don’t want to be kind, and so forth. It certainly isn’t as simple as dribbling, throwing, and spiking.

But, here’s the thing: it can be. To whom? Everybody. In what ways? Smiling, saying “Hi” first, complimenting, contributing, and listening. How often? In each moment. And if I don’t want to be kind? Create a boundary, remind yourself of your “why,” and spend some time improving your state. And lo and behold, you’ll have your work drawn out for you.

It’s only simple after it’s drawn out—not before. Before we decide who we want to become, we’re essentially moving our pencil across a blank piece of paper arbitrarily. Drawing happens, but without an outcome that we actually desire—because we haven’t identified what that outcome is! Once we decide, suddenly, our hand guides our pencil in an entirely different way. And what was once random and confusing, becomes pointed and clear.

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