I write 1-minute insights daily. Below are my latest. Like? Enter your email to get updates.
I help busy people do inner work.
I write 1-minute insights daily. Below are my latest. Like? Enter your email to get updates.
For those who have lived through intense physical and emotional experiences (i.e. abandonment, abuse, betrayal, trauma, manipulation, etc.)—defensive layers against the world almost become a requirement.
Otherwise, the repeated pain becomes too much to bear. And so layers of armor go on, walls are built, and ways into the tender softness of a person get closed off and locked up.
It’s no wonder, then, that once the intensity subsides… and a person grows or escapes into a more tame, calm, predictable environment… that they can feel numb to many of the more tender, soft, physical and emotional experiences of that environment—you’ve go armor on, walls built, and locked gates!
…Of course you won’t feel the warmth of the sun as it touches your armor… or the raindrops as they fall gently from the sky onto your helmet… or the cool, calming earth beneath the steel on your feet… at least not yet.
Like a flower, you need to give yourself time and space in this new environment. Your nervous system is used to desert-like conditions… intense storms… dramatic changes in climate. You’ve built walls and layered up in armor to protect yourself against the harsh conditions you’re used to getting bombarded by.
Gentle feeling comes back only after you’ve taken some of that armor off. After you’ve opened up. Once you’ve relaxed into the moments of normal, modest weather and have allowed yourself to feel as you did when you were a kid—before the desert and the storms and the pain.
It’s not that you don’t feel… it’s that you’re learning how to feel again.
There’s the thrill of a roller coaster… and there’s the thrill of hearing someone say, “I love you”—in an I see you kind of way.
There’s the thrill of buying the latest luxury item… and there’s the thrill of walking barefoot in the sand—free of desire.
There’s the thrill of sexual pleasure… and there’s the thrill of sitting in a rocking chair, next to a life partner, reflecting on the pleasures of having done life with them.
I hope you get to experience both in life.
And maybe even more so, I hope when the time is right, you’re able to move from the former in the above examples, to the latter.
Because it’s the latter… yes… it’s the latter, indeed… that holds a depth to the thrill that even the highest roller coaster drop could never compare.
One of the most important resources in a martial arts school, are the martial arts instructors.
And one of the limiting mindsets I’ve recently uncovered in myself is: when an instructor is needed, It’s only then that I’ll start training a new instructor.
But, once an instructor is needed, it’s often too late and too rushed to get them adequately trained.
And so rather than waiting for someone to say, we need someone—a new goal I have is to start preparing instructors well before they’re needed.
…And the need for instructors, I suspect, will only continue to grow in proportion.
Pointing out problems is about the lowest form of helpful as it comes.
Anybody can point out problems.
The world and everybody’s micro-world are each and all littered with them.
Pointing at all of the “litter” shows that you can at least see it—and maybe even you care. Heck, maybe you’re even able to spot the hard-to-find litter. The litter that’s camouflaged that only a true professional is able to find. Great. Identifying the problem is the first step towards solving the problem.
Left at that, though? It’s not exactly helpful.
A level above that might be the problem-solver. This is the person who not only identifies the problem, but takes action towards solving it. It’s the person who sees the litter and then goes and picks it up. This is helpful. Much more helpful than just pointing it out and making it somebody else’s problem.
Left at that, though? And it’s only a matter of time before the litter is back and the action needs to be repeated.
A level above that, what I might say is the peak level, is the solutionist. The solutionist is the one who identifies the problem, takes action towards not only solving the problem, but solving the cause of the problem. Solutionists fix systems. They figure out what’s leading to the litter and come up with a solution that not only addresses the current litter, but prevents future litter from accumulating.
In a world of problem pointers and problem passers… be a solutionist.
And if you can’t be a solutionist… at least be a problem-solver.
Because yes, we’re aware of the litter. And no, you pointing at it isn’t what’s needed.
…But not everywhere you go brings out the same you.
Go elsewhere with the intent of distraction, and so shall you find the distracted you.
Go elsewhere with the intent of reflection, and so shall you find the reflective you.
The same is true with not going anywhere at all.
Sit down at your desk today with the intent of distraction or reflection and so, too, shall you find.
Unless, of course, where you are overpowers your intentions.
It’s quite possible that your desk is in a place where disruptions are frequent, noises are jarring, and distractions are too real. And regardless of your intent, the environment elicits the distracted you.
And if that’s the case, then worth considering is going… elsewhere. Somewhere where your intentions can be held. Where the environment doesn’t sabotage your efforts.
And so it’s not necessarily wherever you go, there you are. It’s more along the lines of depending on where you go… there you’ll find—the version of you the environment elicits or aligns with.
A life tip: If there’s something you want to do, and the people in your life don’t want to do it with you—do it anyway… do it solo.
…Why?
Because that’s the very place where you meet the people who want to do those kinds of things with you.
Your people are out there.
Sometimes you just have to meet them without the people you currently have in your life.
In fact, the people in your life might very well be a crutch to meeting the others.
Which isn’t a shot at the people in your life. It’s just that nobody can be everything to a person.
Different people serve different roles in a person’s life. And if there’s a role you feel isn’t being fulfilled—it’s not their fault. It’s your opportunity to go out and find the ones who will help you fulfill it.
The question is: will you find the courage to venture out alone?
Mentioned yesterday in 10 Safety Tactics For Women, this piece is an elaboration on the idea mentioned of “Lie To Survive.” Please share with the women in your life.
You do NOT owe a stranger anything. Remaining calm and answering with a lie can help you escape an uncomfortable or unsafe situation without it escalating.
Remember, somebody with bad intentions is looking for an easy target—lying can psychologically make things difficult for them. And getting away unscathed is the primary goal in self-defense.
Is “No” a complete sentence? Yes.
Could you be rude/nasty? Yes.
Could you ignore them? Yes.
But this can escalate matters rather than the opposite.
Why plug in a male figure? It’s intimidating to them.
Caught in the lie? Ask the bartender/bouncer/employee to walk you to your car or get someone (even 911) on the phone.