I write 1-minute insights daily. Below are my latest. Like? Enter your email to get updates.
I help busy people do inner work.
I write 1-minute insights daily. Below are my latest. Like? Enter your email to get updates.
I came across a story today of a mom who had been telling her daughters the same phrase for the past several years as they would exit the car to go to school:
“Be friends with the friends who don’t have friends.”
And that one line covers so much ground.
1) “Be friends”: it’s a verb. You have to be the one that smiles, says “Hi” first, asks interesting questions, and does so intentionally and repeatedly.
2) “…with the friends”: The assumption is that they’re already our friends, we just haven’t made the connection yet. They’re not our enemies or strangers. Most people want to feel seen and heard more than anything else and this assumption helps tremendously with taking the actions in step 1—assuming also that you’re in a contextually safe space to do so.
3) “…who don’t have friends.”: Feeling invisible or ostracized or lonely is one of the worst feelings we humans might experience. The person who changes that for us can create meaning that’s felt proportionally in the opposite direction. And in so doing, creates a similarly strong connection, too.
Try sharing this with your kids. And if you don’t have kids, try modeling this type of energy yourself. You’d be surprised how much ground this one expression, when practiced, can help even you cover in your life.
P.s. If you’re enjoying these morning 1-minute messages, would you mind sharing this link: https://matthogan.blog/hi with someone else who might enjoy it? ‘Preciate you all :)
Yesterday I tested one of my seven-year-old martial arts students for her next colored belt.
When I asked her to do push-ups, she reflexively said, “I can’t do that!”
And I, just as reflexively, responded with, “Say, ‘I’m going to try my best’ instead.”
And as she said it, you could see her body language update in real time.
“I can’t do that” elicited a frown, slouched shoulders, a hunched back, and a defeated plop on the mat before a single push-up was even attempted.
“I’m going to try my best” resulted in furrowed eyebrows, focused eyes, straightened posture, and an incredibly clean, full range-of-motion, off-the-knees push up.
We didn’t stop after just that one, of course, and I encouraged her to do as many more as she could on her knees for a designated amount of time.
…I wanted to make sure she had a chance to really give the exercise a good effort so that she knew she was capable of more than she thought—even though I think she had already surprised herself after that first off-the-knees rep.
Here’s the thing: as it is for kids, so too should it be for us adults.
We might not blurt out, “I can’t do that” anymore. But I can tell you right now, we all have encoded that exact message into our lives using alternate words.
“I’m too busy…”
“I’m too old…”
“I’m too out of shape…”
…Decoded? “I can’t do that.”
Maybe it’s not that you’re any of those… maybe it’s just that you’re telling yourself that you are.
Maybe you just need to tell yourself you’re going to try your best… and go do exactly that.
“The cancer is winning.” I was told today.
“One year. Maybe six months left to live.”
“I was doing great yesterday, but today, I’m not doing good at all.”
We sat together for a while. Both processing. Me blurting out a swear word every few minutes. Him slowly cluing me in to where his head was at.
“…I must stay positive.”
“…I have to keep trying to take class.”
“…I might be losing, but I am going to write this final chapter.”
And it was in those three lines that I think the words he needed to hear found him. All I did was emphasize, reinforce, and offer my full support.
Here’s why I think those three lines were so on point:
We must stay positive. Not delusionally positive while the world burns down around us. But strategically optimistic. So that we can see opportunity, believe that the world can be made into a better place, and trust in ourselves to act.
We must keep learning. Because if we’re not learning, we’re regressing. There is no stagnant. And what we find on the other side of our curiosities is legacy. Because curiosities lead to topic, topic leads to creation, creation leads to tribe, and tribe… well, tribe is who carries forth our legacy after we’re gone.
We must control what’s within our control. There was nothing left to do. Cancer was winning. But choosing how to spend his remaining time? Who to spend that time with? What words he wanted to author on the final pages of his life’s book? …All well within his control. And exactly where the mind should be focused when all else feels so uncontrollable.
Yesterday, one of the guys I play basketball with saw a lane, attacked it and drove towards the basket with big physicality, took a lot of contact while going for a layup, must’ve lost himself in the air, and came crashing down on his confused and discombobulated leg with the full force of his weight…
A few thuds, screeches, and blood-curdling screams later… he was laid out on the floor, in fetal position, holding onto his knee like keeping his leg attached depended on it…
We called 911. Got him as comfortable as we could. And let the professionals do what they were trained to do from there.
It wasn’t long after that I found myself sitting on the gym bench… sweat dripping from my forehead… staring at my knees.
“Man, I don’t express this enough to y’all, but thank you. Thank you for an up-until-this-point lifetime of use, abuse, and challenge with no major injury. The games I’ve played, the movements I’ve thrown, the sights I’ve seen, the independence I’ve been shown… is largely because of y’all. And I promise to keep doing my best to take care.”
Did my knees hear me?
…Obviously not.
But I heard me.
And that’s the point of gratitude.
A friend called me during a work shift yesterday and I had to send her to voicemail.
She texted me shortly thereafter several happy birthday memes and it made me smile.
I texted her later that day saying thank you and that I was sorry I couldn’t answer.
She said, “Oh that’s okay. As long as you feel celebrated that’s all I care about.”
And boy did that line make my day.
A mom of one of my martial arts students told me the other day that she was going to miss her son’s martial arts tournament for the first time since they started years ago.
When I asked her why, she told me the most incredible answer.
…Her longtime friend invited her and four others to fly to Seattle, Washington, USA for a birthday party that she was throwing—for herself. And check out the festivities lineup:
All created and put together by the birthday girl herself.
And I absolutely love this energy. Especially as I reflect on this past year and celebrate my own birthday (which is today…!)
What a joy it is to create joy in your life.
…And what a drag it can be to wait for others to create joy for you.
Some of my absolute favorite memories from this last year have been from experiences I took the initiative to create for myself.
And as I step into 37, this is the kind of energy I want to keep leading my life forward with.
An uncompromising, unapologetic, unwavering drive to live my life as fully as I’m able—without waiting for someone else to invite me or tell me how to do it for me.
If I suddenly forgot everything about my life and was told to piece back together who I was… a good place to look for clues might be the things in my house, what shows up on my social media feeds, and my camera roll.
What you’d find in my house are vegan food items, books galore, exercise equipment, DJ decks, unique wall decor, and more…
What you’d find in my social media feeds are martial arts clips, DJ sets, creator strategies, basketball drills, inspirational speeches, and more…
What you’d find in my camera roll are pictures of my family/friends/students, travel shots, music show videos and dancing clips, recorded stories and ideas I wanted to share, and maybe a few selfies or moments of me in noteworthy moments or while I was in my element.
The thing about camera rolls, social media feeds, and collected items is it communicates priority or attention.
And what we pay attention to tells us volumes about who we are.
Take a closer look at what the above communicates about you in your life. Do you like the picture it paints? Or are you paying attention to things that are in conflict with who you are or who you want to be?
And finally, pay attention to the things you pay attention to in your life. There’s still so much you have yet to discover about yourself and what captures your attention is a clue that there’s something deeper worth exploring.