For those who have lived through intense physical and emotional experiences (i.e. abandonment, abuse, betrayal, trauma, manipulation, etc.)—defensive layers against the world almost become a requirement.
Otherwise, the repeated pain becomes too much to bear. And so layers of armor go on, walls are built, and ways into the tender softness of a person get closed off and locked up.
It’s no wonder, then, that once the intensity subsides… and a person grows or escapes into a more tame, calm, predictable environment… that they can feel numb to many of the more tender, soft, physical and emotional experiences of that environment—you’ve go armor on, walls built, and locked gates!
…Of course you won’t feel the warmth of the sun as it touches your armor… or the raindrops as they fall gently from the sky onto your helmet… or the cool, calming earth beneath the steel on your feet… at least not yet.
Like a flower, you need to give yourself time and space in this new environment. Your nervous system is used to desert-like conditions… intense storms… dramatic changes in climate. You’ve built walls and layered up in armor to protect yourself against the harsh conditions you’re used to getting bombarded by.
Gentle feeling comes back only after you’ve taken some of that armor off. After you’ve opened up. Once you’ve relaxed into the moments of normal, modest weather and have allowed yourself to feel as you did when you were a kid—before the desert and the storms and the pain.
It’s not that you don’t feel… it’s that you’re learning how to feel again.