Category: Understanding Love

In reply to my post yesterday, one reader quoted the following line:

“Surround yourself with people who feel like a dark cloud or barren desert and you’ll struggle accordingly. Surround yourself with people who act like sun and water and you’ll grow just fine.”

…And said, “…I wish we could hear this on mainstream media.”

To which I replied, “Agreed. Mainstream media is feeling more and more like dark clouds and barren desert by the day. Guess we’ll have to make our own sun and water and surround ourselves with people who think and do the same.”

…Because here’s what’s crucial to understand: the less we try to take control over the amount of sun and water that touches our life, the more we’ll get controlled by the dark clouds and barren deserts.

…Because dark clouds and barren deserts don’t wait patiently for their turn or passively idle in the background of our life… they’re aggressive seekers of power/attention/control and will only continue to succeed in obtaining exactly that the more people (hopefully not us) decide to go with the modern flow and relent.

P.s. I finished uploading quotes from Waking Up by Sam Harris. You can read my 19 favorites here.

One of the dads I play basketball with brought his son—maybe 14 years old—to play with us today.

Basketball isn’t this kid’s first choice sport and it was pretty evident that it wasn’t something he practiced very often—it was something he was doing for the fun, the workout, and the connection… very much like myself.

What was cool to see, however, was how inviting and supportive the rest of the crew was with him. It didn’t matter if he rushed a play, shot an airball, or mis-dribbled and got it stolen… everybody was deliberately trying to keep his spirits up and was praising him for taking opportunities when he did.

Like a budding plant… those initial interactions in this new world for him are crucial.

They’re the difference between playing again and quitting; wanting to practice and wanting to avoid; speaking constructively to himself and self-sabotaging.

Surround yourself with people who feel like a dark cloud or barren desert and you’ll struggle accordingly.

Surround yourself with people who act like sun and water and you’ll grow just fine.

P.s. ICYMI you can read the best of what I posted to MoveMe Quotes last week here.

I was watching a video today that concluded with the following question: “Tell me about a time when you’ve felt most loved by me…”

A son answered: “After my last high school football game, when it was just me and you in the parking lot… just embracing each other and I was just crying because it was my last game. That was kind of like you sending me off in a way…”

A daughter answered: “The thing that really stands out for me is how you always supported me. The way that you saw I loved something and really helped nurture it. It was always special to know that whenever I looked up into the stands you were always going to be there 99% of the time.”

A mother answered: “When I had my heart attack… You came to the hospital… and you were really firm with me… and you almost made me feel guilty for having a heart attack… and I told your siblings, ‘I can’t die because Caitlyn will beat the sh*t out of me.’ And I knew that was because you loved me so much.”

A father answered: “I came home from work and you were in the front yard doing a video… maybe a snapchat or something… and you saw me pull up and said, ‘Hey dad, come here!’ And you had this pretty cool rap song playing… and I did my ‘old, white man dance…’ and I looked like and idiot… but I felt like you accepted me… and that you weren’t ashamed of your goofy looking dad.”

Inner Work Prompt: If somebody asked your loved ones this question… how do you think they’d respond?

A mom from the martial arts school I teach at shared a story with me the other day of another instructor and her son (6 years old) that she was really touched by.

She told me her son promised this instructor that he would show him his baseball cards.

…And as they were loading up into the car after having already finished class, her son remembered his promise and asked his mom if they could go back. His mom told him they could always show him next time, but her son persisted. And she eventually relented.

When they got back inside, he proudly took his cards up to this instructor and stood in his sight, ready to show and be seen.

And rather than take a quick glance and give a quick high five or rush through the impromptu show and tell presentation, this instructor knelt down next to him and patiently looked at each of his 30ish cards, one card at a time, as he slowly flipped through.

…What’s more is that his mom said her son didn’t even say anything about any of them. He just silently thumbed through each as the instructor silently and attentively looked on.

And it proved to her son that what he felt was important was also important to the instructor because of the energy and intention he was met with. And the situation went from what could’ve been a superficial, non-meaningful exchange to a special moment that legitimately strengthened a bond.

…And the difference couldn’t have been made by anything more than 60 seconds.

Building connection is as building connection does.

There is no way around it. There is no hack. There is no shortcut.

If you want to build better connections with the people in your life, you need to do something about it.

Listing examples here should be helpful:

• Rather than exchanging basic pleasantries with people, you need to be the one who digs a little deeper. Ask an interesting question. Give an interesting answer. Go deeper than, “What’s up?” or “Good, how are you?”
• Rather than say you’re there for someone… show them you are. A text is better than nothing. But a bag full of thoughtful gifts to someone who is recovering from surgery is better than a text. Actions > Words.
• Rather than suggest you and whoever do “something” “sometime”… be the one who makes the plans. Invite people out to specific dinner plans at specific times—and do it in advance. Invite people to trivia, karaoke nights, concerts, etc. Lock in dates and times and keep an eye out for fun ideas. Be the initiator.

The people who wait for people to connect with them… who try to use technology to do the connecting for them… who try and outsource the efforts and ideas… are the ones who end up getting disconnected.

And upon closer inspection… it should come as no surprise. But the good news is… neither should the solution.