Category: Understanding Love

I attended a wedding today.

At the venue, there was a Jenga set up with sharpies scattered around and a note on display saying “Leave your words of advice for the newlyweds here.”

Next to me was a good friend who joking said, “You can’t write anything—you’re single!”

The thing about relationships though, that I was thinking about after the fact, is that you don’t need to be in a relationship to give relationship advice per se. Because even us single folk have a ton of experience managing the relationship we have with the person more important than any spouse or soulmate… the one we have with ourself.

If you’re mindful of your inner landscape, are consistently trying to find ways to improve that landscape, and are reflective towards the ups and downs and how to keep moving forward in spite of it all… the insight you gain can be just as valuable—if not more so—than the insight you might gain from being mindful of another person’s inner landscape, the strategies you’ve found that can help improve that other person’s inner workings, and the reflections you might’ve gained from the relationship’s ups and downs along the way.

After all, one of the best indicator’s of a relationship’s success—between two people—is the success of the relationship each person has with him/herself.

…Or maybe I’m just some naive single guy who has no idea what he’s talking about.

But, I digress.

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P.s. If you’re wondering what I wrote on the Jenga piece (I obviously wrote something)—I said: “Like Jenga, all great things are built one brick at a time… never forget to keep laying bricks.”

How does the transition from friend to “part of my chosen family” happen?

Is it sudden or gradually?

I think a case could be made for both instances.

But, one thing I observed tonight at my friend’s dad’s celebration of life is that there are key moments where the transition is undoubtedly solidified.

Like when my friend’s employee made the extra effort to fly from Florida to New York just to be there.

Or when a young women I met, after having met my friend and his girlfriend at a restaurant they attended frequently as their waitress and who slowly became their friend, spent time alone in the hospital with my friend’s dad right before he passed—just to bust his chops (as she always did) and maybe lift his spirit.

Or even as I noticed the way my friend was talking to me throughout the night… in how it felt like his gratitude and conversational points were coming from a much deeper place than they normally would.

The point to reflect on is this: if you only ever meet people when it’s fun, light-hearted, and convenient… you’ll only ever get so close. But, if you meet people as a family member would… through the good times and the bad; when it’s sunny and when it’s rainy; when it’s convenient and when it’s not… it’s only a matter of time before family is how people start to perceive you.

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P.s. Day 4: Took an extra few minutes to express just how beautifully done the celebration of life was for my friend’s dad.

We humans are incredibly multifaceted and complex beings.

Because of this, when looking at other human beings and in an attempt to make sense of them and their actions, we tend to oversimplify them as a whole and categorize them into neat, little boxes.

We say this person is “good” and that person is “bad.”

We say person A is “right” and person B is “wrong.”

We talk about people in “black-and-white” terms when the reality is… we’re all gray.

Just because someone doesn’t agree with you or can’t commit to an unwavering level of support or give back just as much or more than you give them… doesn’t mean they can’t add value to your life.

Sometimes it’s the ones who disagree with us who teach us the most about what we believe (because we have to better understand the argument from new perspectives)…

Sometimes it’s the people who aren’t committed or supportive who make for great conversationalists (because they aren’t scared to say something in disagreement with you)…

And it’s the people who maybe don’t give back as much as you give them who keep us humble, grounded, and reminded that transactional giving isn’t really giving at all.

Maybe if we stopped making hyper generalizations about people based on one narrow aspect of their personality, belief system, or character… we’d have a much better time building connections and spend much less of our time watching bridges burn along our way.

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P.s. Day 2: Today, I made it a point to thank the 40+ people who showed up to the adult martial arts class I taught tonight. The energy and camaraderie was incredible.

This is a formula I was taught that could be used for moving an inquiring person to a committed member inside a community. It’s something I found to be interesting from both the community organizer perspective and the prospect-looking-to-join-a-community perspective. Let’s break each component down:

Become: First, do something that affects identity. How can you get them to go from “I am not… [a martial artist]” to “I am… [a martial artist].” In the context of martial arts, maybe that’s giving them a uniform or shirt… something that allows them to start seeing themselves as a person who does the thing.

Behave: Second, encourage them to start doing the things that people who identify that way do. For martial arts, that’s taking classes—it’s kicking, punching, blocking, and so on. It’s one thing to dress like a martial artist… it’s a whole ‘nother thing to act like a martial artist. And the more they act it, the more they’ll believe it.

Believe: Third, get them to behave as a person in that community would for long enough and to the point where they believe it themselves. Again, it’s one thing to act like a martial artist for a week or two… and it’s a whole ‘nother thing to act like a martial artist for a year/decade or two. Believing happens by doing for a long enough period of time.

Belong: Finally, once the person truly believes in the identity they started off trying to become, the integration into the community of like-minded, equally-believing members is a matter of connection opportunities. How often do members get to interact? Work together? Share stories? Attend events? Share experiences? …Belonging happens after sufficient connecting.