Not having it all figured out is an excellent place to come from when connecting with people.
Because here’s the thing: neither does anybody else.
Too many people forget this.
Figuring things out together is a magnet for connection.
It allows for reciprocity. It allows for synergy and exchange. It allows for healing and growth.
And, what’s more, is that it will help you figure things out faster than trying (waiting) alone ever will.
With vulnerability and authenticity, arguments aren’t needed—genuine connection happens seamlessly.
When walls are built around emotions and facades cover feelings, arguments act as the storms that tear down those “fronts” to finally expose what’s fortified underneath:
Vulnerability and authenticity.
“Boundaries are a part of self-care. They are healthy, normal, and necessary.”
Doreen Virtue, via MoveMe Quotes
Boundaries look different when used by different people in different situations. What they might look like is: ignoring; avoiding; distancing; deliberately not engaging; strategically defusing or redirecting; mindfully reorganizing routes; changing environments; strong, assertive, direct language; etc.
The tough part is that the situations when boundaries need to be deployed are never black-and-white—they’re always gray-and-unique. This is why we need to find as much clarity ahead of time that we can. Answering these questions before your next encounter with a busybody, an ingrate, an egomaniac, a liar, the jealous, or a crank can help:
When you answer these questions, you’ll know how to handle the tough situations. The situations that most people don’t spend any time thinking about and resultantly, don’t know how to handle when they arrive.
And one thing is for sure, they will arrive. The question is, will you be ready?
“What if it turns out way better than you could have imagined?”
Unknown, via MoveMe Quotes
We are not strangers. We simply haven’t gotten to know each other yet. Think about how much of what makes up the other is already known. Happiness and sadness; joy and anger; patience and annoyance; presence and grief; love and hate—we all have these elements inside and, relatively speaking, we understand them.
What’s unknown, however, is the other person’s composition of those elements which makes them uniquely who they are. To what extent do they experience happiness versus sadness? How much do they express joy versus anger? Are they someone who is understanding or someone who is close-minded? And so forth.
And how to better understand another person’s composition? By understanding the stories that shaped their composition. And how to better understand their stories? By understanding, not just the raw events of their life, but by understanding their perception of the events that happened to them that became the stories of their life.
If perception is reality, then understanding another person’s perception is the key to understanding their reality.
Understanding happiness is a notable task—but it won’t explain a stranger’s smile. Understanding sadness is a worthy pursuit—but it won’t explain another person’s sadness. Understanding love is remarkably important—but it won’t explain another person’s love life.
What’s missing from the static examination of a singular element (like happiness) is a view of the bigger picture at play that is the dynamic interplay between all of a person’s elements. And one of the most powerful ways to obtain that dynamic interplay is through dynamic, perception-sharing interactions.
Or, more simply stated, by asking and answering interesting questions. For what are questions but the ultimate tool for obtaining another person’s perceptions? How better to open the compartments of another person’s mind than by using the precise key that opens that compartment?
If you view everyone around you as a stranger, then maybe you’re just not asking enough (the right) questions. We are all fundamentally composed of the same matter. We all have fundamentally the same feelings. We all wish to experience fundamentally the same things. It all is just unevenly distributed and uniquely interpreted.
The person who sees this, sees a world filled with more potential friends than strangers—they just haven’t taken the time to confirm it yet.