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Category: Understanding Love

Our Art

The picture you paint in your mind
as you read the words I arrange
is the art we create together

The Greatest Gift

One of the greatest gifts you can give to another is freedom.

And I’m not talking about the kinds of gifts that are given on birthdays. I’m talking about gifts that are given with the intent of bettering another person’s life.

Freedom can be gifted to another in many forms. Some examples might include: Freedom for self-expression; freedom from obligations; freedom to explore uninterruptedly. And each is incredibly powerful.

As I return from vacation, I’m reminded of these gifts.

  • My mom gifted me the freedom from my household obligations. She cared for my dog and kept the house in order.
  • My coworkers gifted me the freedom to explore uninterruptedly. They kept the school running, serviced our students, and managed the day-to-day operations without interrupting my time away.
  • And while I was away, someone I knew made a life-changing announcement about their identity—and virtually all of the people who we’re both connected to embraced this announcement with nothing but love and encouragement. Being immersed in this type of freedom for self-expression is unbelievably empowering.

Here’s the thing: these gifts were given out of turn, without expectation of return, and with love. Which is precisely why they mean so much.

If you only give people gifts when you’re “supposed” to, so that you can get some type of return, and/or out of obligation—it might come as no surprise that that’s what’s reciprocated and for the exchange to feel lackluster and superficial.

Remember this as you think about the people you love most.

On Talking To Someone Who Turns To A Screen

If we’re talking and you turn to a screen, I’m going to completely stop talking until you turn back.

Point blank.

Here’s why:

A) Something popped into your mind that you felt was more important than our conversation, so I’m not going to distract you while you handle whatever it was that couldn’t wait. And I’m either going to postpone our conversation until you’re done or standby awkwardly until you’re ready to continue.

B) You decided the conversation wasn’t worth your undivided attention and so you divided it to keep yourself maximally stimulated. Now, since 1) multi-tasking is a myth, 2) most communication happens visually, 3) I’m not interested in repeating myself and/or having a throttled conversation—I’m going to do us both a favor and stop communicating altogether.

Because you know what’s worse than not communicating at all?

Fragmented communication that gets misconstrued. I’ve learned this the hard way.

So, go ahead: check your screen—I’ll wait. Or maybe I won’t.

But, I’m definitely not going to keep talking to a fragmented piece of your attention.

Love Is Something Only Mastered In Moments

Love is not something that is mastered in but one moment.

To have mastered something is to imply its completion—and love is never “done.”

To masterfully craft a loving moment is as much a completed gift as it is an understanding that a new gift will need to be crafted in the next.

Otherwise, as all gifts eventually do, its warmth and shine will slowly fade.

And not because the gift that you masterfully crafted wasn’t good enough, but because of the eventual overwhelm of the following moments when no gift is crafted at all.

Love needs to be renewed.

And fortunately, there is an inextinguishable source of love inside each of us that we can draw from. That we can use to masterfully craft another loving gift in this moment and the next.

Be it a sincere compliment, a warm embrace, a chivalrous gesture, a thoughtful note, a compassionate ear, an intimate night free from distraction, or a “just because” gift when the opportunity is there.

Love is not something we can state in one moment and be done stating forevermore.

It’s not an act that is completed that will cover you forevermore.

Love is something only mastered in moments—and it will always be the case now and forevermore.

Knowing It All Is Bad For Connection

Not having it all figured out is an excellent place to come from when connecting with people.

Because here’s the thing: neither does anybody else.

Too many people forget this.

Figuring things out together is a magnet for connection.

It allows for reciprocity. It allows for synergy and exchange. It allows for healing and growth.

And, what’s more, is that it will help you figure things out faster than trying (waiting) alone ever will.

When Arguments Are Needed

With vulnerability and authenticity, arguments aren’t needed—genuine connection happens seamlessly.

When walls are built around emotions and facades cover feelings, arguments act as the storms that tear down those “fronts” to finally expose what’s fortified underneath:

Vulnerability and authenticity.

Questions That Help Make Boundaries Less “Gray”

“Boundaries are a part of self-care. They are healthy, normal, and necessary.”

Doreen Virtue, via MoveMe Quotes

Boundaries look different when used by different people in different situations. What they might look like is: ignoring; avoiding; distancing; deliberately not engaging; strategically defusing or redirecting; mindfully reorganizing routes; changing environments; strong, assertive, direct language; etc.

The tough part is that the situations when boundaries need to be deployed are never black-and-white—they’re always gray-and-unique. This is why we need to find as much clarity ahead of time that we can. Answering these questions before your next encounter with a busybody, an ingrate, an egomaniac, a liar, the jealous, or a crank can help:

  • What are my limits? How far is too far when it comes to encounters with the above mentioned people?
  • How can I stay tuned into my feelings when I’m distracted? Is there a way I can remind myself to put up my boundaries even when I’m emotional or not thinking about them?
  • What might I say if I feel cornered? How can I use direct and assertive language?
  • What might stop me from deploying my boundaries? Are there un-dealt-with emotions from my past that are enabling these types of above mentioned people in my life?
  • Who might help me on this journey? Who is really good at this already that I can model my behavior after and/or seek support from?
  • What is the first, most viable step forward I can take? Rather than seeking to perfect this strategy of putting up my boundaries against those types of people, how can I take small steps towards better boundaries instead?

When you answer these questions, you’ll know how to handle the tough situations. The situations that most people don’t spend any time thinking about and resultantly, don’t know how to handle when they arrive.

And one thing is for sure, they will arrive. The question is, will you be ready?