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Category: Understanding Love

Linger (IRL) Longer

Published on June 5, 2023

You know those moments that come before a group meal when everybody is lingering? Or after it’s over and everybody sort of diffuses into pocket conversations and side chatter?

That is where the magic of connection happens.

…Not when everybody is actively eating the meal. It’s in the moments that come before, the moments in between bites, and the moments after. In many respects, group meals have less to do with the meal and more to do with the lingering.

The same is true for just about every other group activity: group fitness, group sports, group art, group travel, group hobbies, etc. Of course, the group task is the focal point—but, most tasks can be done without the group. The point in doing it with a group is the connection.

Which may sound obvious, but in a world where loneliness is becoming more and more of a concern—there are two key ideas worth pinpointing:

(1) We do group activities for the group as much as the activity—you don’t have to be a prodigy or obsessed with the idea of the activity to sign up with a group.

(2) All of the time spent NOT doing the activity can be just as valuable (if not more) as the time spend doing it. Don’t miss the forest for the tree. Are you learning how to draw an eye in group art classes or are you learning how to draw a friendship by looking more people—who share similar interests as you—in the eye?

Lingering on screens is awful for connection. More and more studies prove that. Lingering in real life, however, is a great strategy for building connection.

You Say [Poem]

Published on June 4, 2023 
You say you have nothing to give
and yet
I'm full after one glance.

You say you're rough around the edges
and yet
I'm calm after one touch.

You say your roots are broken
but what I see
is vast and barren land.

You say your baggage is heavy
but what I see
is love that could use a hand.

You tell me about the world's ugly
As I sit in wonder and see
Beauty reflected in broken glass—

Your middle finger to the world.

A rose growing in desert sand
An orchid sprouting from molten rock
A sunflower stretching from unlit cave

You say you can't carry on
And yet
You keep figuring out a way.

You say you don't like flowers
And yet
There you are—a most beautiful bouquet.

Roller Coaster Love

Published on June 2, 2023

A relationships and dating coach posted the following question on Twitter: “Would you rather: a 220 pound woman who’s nice & sweet or a 120 pound woman with an attitude?”

To which I say this is the wrong question.

Love isn’t a number on a scale. And none of us are as simple as “nice & sweet” or “with an attitude.”

Love is an impossibly complex, messy, roller coaster of a ride shared with the person who could very well be all of those above things throughout the duration of your ride.

It’s time spent with the person who makes you feel:

…Sometimes exhilaratingly light—like you’re free falling down from the highest roller coaster peak. Like when their name comes up on caller I.D., their face comes into view after time apart, or the thought of past time together springs to mind.

…Sometimes upside down—like you’re being thrown through a loop. Like when they challenge your thoughts/beliefs, pull you down a spontaneous path you would’ve never traveled on your own, or they get you to agree to something that’s totally out of character.

…Sometimes heavy and low—like at the bottom of those highest drops. Like when they have to endure tragedy/loss/grief and illicit your support to help them, or when they hurt your feelings, or break promises—because them doing it hits harder than anyone else.

…But all with that person. Not because of the number on the scale or some one or two word description that’s supposed to represent the entire depth of who they are—but, because riding the roller coaster is better with them. And they think the same about riding the coaster with you.

Tomorrow’s Enemies

Published on May 28, 2023

I heard a great piece of advice today: watch carefully how the people around you treat their enemies—because you may very well become one of them down the road.

While this might sound dark or pessimistic—in a world that’s filled with gossip, drama, lust, envy, greed, impatience, deception, miscommunication, frustration, pain, suffering, etc… I’d say it’s an all-too-common (and unfortunate) reality.

…Friends who were once inseparable, plotting for the other’s downfall. Family members who share ancestry, refusing to share a room or word. Lovers who make sacred vows, who later end up tangled in the nastiest of divorces.

The people who are able to stay calm towards their “enemies,” though? The people who learn to disassociate, detach, and move on? The people who can act with grace and kindness even towards the ones who they disagree with or who hurt them?

…Those are the people you want to keep around and form alliances with. And you’ll know—just from that one key observation at the outset… that petty battles can be avoided for grander wars. Wars that affect us all—not just them. Ones that pave paths forward, not continuously pulls both parties back to battles in ruins.

Keep it sharp in your mind: tomorrows “enemies” may very well be today’s allies. Watch carefully how your allies treat their enemies today. And (re)form your alliances accordingly.

Anti-Too-Much-Social-Media

Published on May 24, 2023

Recently, an advisory was issued by the US Surgeon General on the potential dangers of social media for children, highlighting its negative impact on mental health and overall well-being. One key highlight was how:

“Children and adolescents who spend more than 3 hours a day on social media face double the risk of mental health problems including experiencing symptoms of depression and anxiety. This is concerning as a recent survey showed that teenagers spend an average of 3.5 hours a day on social media.”

Couple this with my post yesterday about how advancements in AI led to a 24% increase in time spent on Instagram in quarter 1 of this year… and how that’s only the beginning of what continued advancements will lead to… and you can see how we’re on the cusp of a worsening crisis.

To be clear, I’m not anti-social-media. But, I’m definitely anti-too-much-social-media.

Self-discipline is a hard earned skill, one that most grown adults haven’t fully developed. Assuming kids and teens will be able to discipline themselves is naive. We need to lead the disciplined charge and help initiate forces that push in the opposite direction of screens.

Having strong screen boundaries set—that’s applicable to the whole family—can help (e.g. family dinner time, 1-hour before bed, while outside, etc).

Getting them involved in reality-based activities that make them forget about social media can help (e.g. martial arts, sports, art classes, etc).

And using your unique influence and access can definitely help (plenty of ideas at the bottom of the advisory here).

My intention writing to you today is to call upon that help so we all can better help our next generation. They already need it.

Tip of the AI Iceberg

Published on May 23, 2023

I recently came across an article where Meta bragged that improvements in their AI recommendations led to a 24% increase in time spent on Instagram in the January – March quarter of this year.

…And we’re just at the tip of the AI Iceberg.

Imagine what continued updates, upgrades, and refinements will do to that number in the very near future…

It’s scary to think how that number may very well only go up.

Which is why, it’s more important than ever to build better habits when it comes to social media use.

If it’s true that soon our feeds are going to be so damn good at showing us content that it keeps us on the platforms 24%, 50%, 150%(?!) longer—we need to become damn better at not logging in at all.

It’s rarely ever that I close out a social media app after having unconsciously binged for way too long and don’t immediately regret opening it in the first place.

And on the flip side, it’s rarely ever that I don’t smile with pride when I see my average daily screen time numbers go down at the end of a week.

To be fair, there is certainly some good that may come from getting better content fed into our timelines. And if we’re mindful and deliberate, we may even be able to curate a feed that’s constructive for our lives.

My only fear is that we’ll become so addicted to them that we won’t be able to digest that content, formulate our own thoughts around it, or free ourselves from the impossible grips of its advanced tailored-specifically-for-you, highly stimulating, dopamine-triggering, never-ending, constantly-refreshing feed of content gold.

Proceed with caution.

Outdoor Screen Time

Published on May 22, 2023

Today, I saw a parent pushing their child along in a stroller on a beautiful day that had a contraption attached to it which kept a screen mounted directly in front of the toddler’s face.

To which my knee-jerk response was something along the lines of BLASPHEMY.

But, it wasn’t long thereafter until I noticed (remembered?) just about every other passerby of every age doing the same. Walking outside on a beautiful day with a screen mounted directly in front of their face—only instead of a stroller mounted contraption holding it, it was being manually held.

…As if we don’t get enough of this when we’re indoors as is.

Being outdoors should be treated as sacred time. Time when we get to breathe fresh air, notice the other living creatures we get to share this space with, feel the weatherly variety from which life on our planet was born… Time when we get to actively utilize our own imagination rather than being constantly spoon-fed by the imaginations of others.

And unless it’s urgent or important, we should make it a personal rule to restrict the use of our screens during life-giving moments like this. Or else I fear screen time will only continue to invade in on any and all time that constitutes our day—regardless of its sacredness or importance.

Question: Do you have any personal rules focused on the restriction of screen time? If so, what are they?