Category: Healing Not Healed

One thing I’m currently working on: not being so quick to label people as “toxic.”

With few exceptions, all of us are a great mix of many things—and labeling someone solely as “toxic” is not only unfair and narrow-minded, but uncompassionate.

We all make mistakes and I genuinely believe we’re all doing the best we can with what we’ve been given. By looking at people less as “poison” and more as “misguided,” maybe we can respond more mindfully to their presence and certain behaviors.

That said, if “poison” is precisely what a person feels like to you in your life, establishing a strong boundary should be done swiftly and without hesitation.

But, considering a person “poison” after a mistake or two… maybe isn’t the type of response that’ll lead to the healing we’re trying to facilitate in our lives.

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P.s. In case you missed it, you can read the best of what I posted to MoveMe Quotes last week, here.

• Self-care is more than spa days.
• Self-care is more than bubble baths.
• Self-care is more than scented candles, tea, and fuzzy blankets.

There’s nothing wrong with the above… after all, they each can certainly put you into a better state of mind (so you can better address what’s wrong).

The problem, of course, is that none of the above deals with what’s wrong.

Real self-care happens when you actually confront and address what’s wrong. And if what follows spa days, bubble baths, and fuzzy blankets entails addressing what’s wrong—then by all means.

But, don’t exclusively reserve “self-care time” with the above and ignore the things that are making you feel like you need “self-care time.” Because then you’re just fooling yourself into engaging in another distraction that’s no better than Netflix, night’s out, and Tik Tok.

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P.s. These daily posts are a form of self-care for me. If they’ve helped you, you can buy me a coffee (or tea) here to support the ongoing effort. Thanks in advance :)

You can’t take away other people’s emotional pain.

No matter how much you love them; care for them; feel sympathy for them.

Emotional pain, like physical pain, is for the beholder to bear.

Any attempt to take away or “shoulder” another person’s emotional pain will only further delay their healing process. Because feeling is how emotional pain is released.

Be aware that you’re shouldering other people’s emotional pain when you:

• Try to fix relationship issues that aren’t yours to fix
• Have tough conversations for people that don’t involve you
• Micromanage someone’s lifestyle because “you know better”

There is no way around it; there is no “transferrable” option—the pain we’ve been dealt is the pain we have to confront.

What you can do, as a person who feels compassion for another person experiencing pain, is give them support—particularly your presence.

The same kind of support you would offer someone who got physically hurt.

You wouldn’t say: “Oh gosh! That looks like it hurts… want me to heal that pain for you?”

You’d do things more along the lines of:

• Helping remove them from painful situations (so it doesn’t get worse)
• Helping them get more comfortable/calm (so they can deal with the pain in a better state)
• Helping them get unrelated things done (so that they can have more energy for healing)

And, of course, just being present is powerful in and of itself.

This lets them know that they’re not alone to bear the weight of the pain; that it’s okay to feel and isn’t something that needs to be hidden; that they are accepted—even during their low points.

And what a true gift that can be.

Life doesn’t suddenly decide one day to stop being challenging.

Not when you’re rich. Not when you’re retired. Not when you’re on a beach.

Challenge will always be present. And with challenge comes pain.

Run from the pain? And you’ll only multiply it for later (because you’ll have to deal with the pain that comes with later PLUS the pain that you ignored).

Confront the pain—and you’ll free your future self of some of that compounding pain.

The goal is to face today’s pains today so that you can confronting new, inevitable, better pains tomorrow.

…Better pains?

Yeah, the kind of pains you’d prefer to face—that you *get* to face—because of the work you did yesterday. You know, like exercise pain versus cardiac arrest pain. Or like a hard conversation pain versus lost relationship pain.

Delay confronting pain long enough and it will eventually become unbearably painful and/or absolutely unavoidable.

Your choice.