Is the suffering worth the contribution?
I have this question sticky-noted at the bottom of my computer screen so that I read it every day.
And whenever I feel like I’m suffering from the work I’m choosing to do… I ask myself… Is it worth the contribution it provides?
If the answer is no, I stop doing it. Or begin to plan ways I can phase it out of my life (whatever “it” is).
And if the answer is yes, well then, I suffer a little less and feel better as I get back to it.
One of the most remarkable questions I was asked this year at Burning Man was: What does it take for a person to earn your vulnerability?
Which is a timely question as there’s a great lack in vulnerability sharing which is what’s causing a great lack in connection creating—aka modern day loneliness.
Our vulnerabilities are the sides of ourselves that are soft, silly, quirky, scared, hurt, and otherwise perceived as imperfect. Whereas what we share digitally—which is where most of us share in the modern world—is the opposite of that. It’s our highlight reel that features us in our most “perfect” form.
The problem this causes, of course, is that it’s through the sharing of our vulnerabilities that we’re able to genuinely connect with others. Two perfect highlight reel people only have superficial understandings of one another. It’s the people who share the “behind-the-scenes,” “blooper reels,” and “off camera/ no audience/ completely un-self-conscious” sides of themselves who get to connect on deeper levels.
And so to return to the question… What does it take for a person to earn your imperfect side? …The side that could be hurt, made fun of, or laughed at? The side you hide from internet trolls, bullies, and a-holes?
…Trust.
It is and always will be, for me at least, trust.
Which is earned in small sums with each made and kept promise; and is lost in huge withdrawals with each made and promise broken. Once the small sum deposits cross a certain threshold, you gain access to my vulnerable side. And if they don’t or never do—you don’t.
Your turn: What does it take for somebody to earn your vulnerability?
Try removing yourself from ALL current sources of outside influence (e.g. media, friends, parents) and write.
Write like hell.
Write everything that’s circling in your mind.
Then, re-read what you wrote and write whatever else comes to mind from those writings.
Then, just sit in the quiet for a while… pay attention to your wandering mind.
See if anything else comes up.
If it does, write all of whatever that is out, too.
Continue this process until the sediments of your mind have settled—maybe not completely… but, enough. Enough to have gained some clarity over the situation.
Then, look with fresh eyes at what was causing you to not feel like yourself.
And act accordingly.
Lesson: it’s hard to know what’s affecting you when you’re in the middle of the affecting environment. You need to remove yourself and purge your mind so that you can look back at the environment(s) you were in with fresh eyes.
P.s. I also published: Feeling Lost? Phil Stutz Says Don’t Try To Figure It Out. Here’s Why:
Do our dream people find us… or do we find them?
…Both.
I think the point is to be open to the infinite possibilities of the world and to constantly expose ourselves to others while simultaneously engaging with those who curiously cross our paths—both directly and subtly.
Waiting to be found isn’t a good strategy.
And neither is desperately searching.
Somewhere in the middle though? …I think is where the real magic of connection happens.
I posed the following question on Twitter:
Do you think humans were more free BEFORE or AFTER cell phones?
The majority vote was BEFORE.
Which makes my take an unpopular opinion. Here we go:
I think when cell phones restrict freedom is when WE become addicted to THEM.
I don’t think there’s anything inherently freedom-restricting in having a cellphone.
In fact, if we’re disciplined and mindful, I think they’ve unlocked an incredible realm of freedom that was otherwise unavailable to us pre-cellphone.
Today, we’re able to do the same things we were before: nature retreats, family dinner, walk, hike, play outside, twiddle our thumbs, shoot the shit with neighbors, sit in silence… WITH the added option(s) of being able to connect with a friend who live in Malaysia or coach clients who live in Colorado or learn from the Dalai Lama who’s giving a live talk in Tibet.
The freedom is unprecedented.
But, generally speaking, so are the low levels of self-discipline (an observation not a fact).
No one says we must use cell phones; we choose to use them because of the opportunities they provide. Otherwise, why not just ditch the cellphone altogether and backpedal to a more “free” life you once knew before?
Maybe, if we start treating our (possible) addiction to them more seriously and draw more firm boundaries, have some planned media detoxes, and find ways to untangle their intertwined connection to our lives… maybe we’ll discover a type of freedom that far exceeds anything we might remember having before.
But, that’s just my take.
I digress.
P.s. I’d love to hear your thoughts. Feel free to reply on Twitter, LinkedIn, or via email. :)
A question I’ve been chewing on lately:
“If I was coaching me what uncomfortable questions would I ask myself and (the important part) push myself to answer?”
Because ultimately, this is what many of the best coaches do. Why? Because we’re much more likely to believe the things we tell ourselves over the things others tell us.
And a good coach knows, if they can get you to say to yourself what they were just going to straight up tell you… their message will be far more likely to stick.
And how does one do this? By asking the right questions.
So, why not sit yourself down, get yourself a cup of coffee, put on some noise-cancelling headphones, and give it a shot yourself?
Even 15 minutes can completely alter the direction of your life.
Or… you could pay someone thousands and they could do it for you? Or… you could just not do it at all?
As always… growth in life will always be a personal choice.
The point I want to make is: the choice to grow is closer (and less expensive) than you might think.
P.s. Got any good questions that have led to noteworthy personal growth? Send a reply. I’d love to hear them.
If you burned away everything you knew about yourself… what would remain?
This was one of the most remarkable questions I was asked while at Burning Man.
Worth reiterating: if everything I knew about myself…
…was burned away—what would I have left inside?
Before you read my answer, I encourage you to pause here and think about how you would answer this question…
Go ahead, I’ll still be here when you’re done…
The answer I came up with (which didn’t come quickly or easily) was everything I had when I was born:
Which made me think: a lot of what we carry with us in identity/ experience/ education is worth burning.
Not everything, of course, because there is a lot in identity/ experience/ and education that we carry that’s worth protecting.
But, there’s a lot that extinguishes our curiosity; deadens our liveliness; contaminates our innocence; removes our immediacy; and kills our compassion.
And that, is where the real inner work begins.
Not in trying to add to what’s already inside… but in working to subtract—to burn away—everything that’s corrupting what’s already there.
How would you answer this question? I’d love to hear. Simply send a reply :)