Tag: Mid Sized

Leave No Room For Exceptions

“Exceptions lead to more exceptions. It’s really easy to justify not doing [a] new habit (or doing an old habit you’re trying to quit) by saying, ‘Just one time won’t hurt.’ Except that it will, because now you think it’s OK to make exceptions. And now you don’t really trust yourself to stick to your promise to yourself. It’s much more effective to not make exceptions—catch yourself if you’re thinking about it and trying to justify it, and remember your motivations. When I quit smoking, I told myself Not One Puff Ever (NOPE).”
Leo Babauta, Zen Habits

The habit changes that I’ve had the most success with have been the ones that I’ve been the most strict with myself about. When I started drinking coffee black, I told myself No Cream Or Sugar Ever. When I cut donuts from my diet, I told myself Not One Bite Ever. When I stopped drinking alcohol, I told myself Not One Sip Ever.

Like Babauta, I made sure there were no exceptions or ‘gray-areas’ to these habit changes—and while that might sound harsh and intense, it actually made the habit change process easier for me.

The problem with setting up more vague goals like, “I’m going to try to stop drinking my coffee with cream and sugar,” or “I’m going to try to eat less donuts,” or “I’m really not going to go out and drink as much anymore,” is that it leaves room for mental negotiation. Which, as I’m sure you’re all too familiar with, leads to long, hard, draining mental fights.

And the problem with long, hard, draining mental fights with your forever argumentative, unrelenting mind is that—you’ll eventually lose.But, just one donut won’t hurt, right? Well, how do you decide which days to follow this goal and which days not to? How will you know for sure when it’s okay to stray from your intentions? Why is it okay to mess up on some days but not others?

When you set out strong from the beginning and make your goals “black-and-white,” whatever they might be for you, there’s no question.No confusion. No special situations or exceptions. The answer is always and every time, “NOPE.” Easy. End of discussion. Onto the next thought.

On Feeling ALL Of Your Feelings

“Feel all of your feelings but don’t assume to know what they mean. Allow the truth of each feeling to be revealed to you.”
Maryam Hasnaa, via MoveMe Quotes

Within each of us is an entire community of emotions. We are never composed of just one emotion. Our inner community is made up of happy emotions and sad emotions; excited emotions and anxious emotions; hopeful emotions and fearful emotions; loving emotions and hateful emotions; and so forth. And how we treat each of these emotions—each community member—will determine our overall spirit.

By expanding our inner workings from just “how we generally feel” to a community of individual members with different needs, we can start to honor each of our inner members with the attention, energy, and respect they deserve. The tendency, when focusing just on “overall feeling,” is to honor the feelings of happiness, joy, pleasure—and to suppress and vilify the feelings of sadness, upset, and hurt.

But, feelings of sadness, upset, and hurt don’t just come from nothing—they’re sourced from pain and are there to communicate crucial insights about your inner community.

When those community members are disrespected, blown off, and demonized—it makes things in your inner community worse. Eventually, as it happens in life, those community members start spewing hate, anger, and upset at other community members until—inevitably—there is an uprising. This is when breakdowns, explosions, and life-halting crisis happen. And it’s what will cause them to continue happening until the uprising has been properly dealt with and those community members have settled.

We have to look at ourselves as the presiding ruler of our inner community—because that’s what we are. We are not just one person who has one emotion at any given time. We are one person who is looking after many, many community emotions inside. And how we treat any of those emotions—community members—is as noteworthy and important as how we treat any of the others.

Hurt People, Hurt People—And What We Can Do To Heal Together

“Hurt people, hurt people.”
Charles Eads, via MoveMe Quotes

Hate doesn’t just manifest itself from nothing. I believe firmly that we are all born pure manifestations of love and it is only from the suffering of life that we learn to hate. When traced honestly and mindfully, hate can usually be found rooted inside a person from potent and painful experiences. As a coping mechanism, hate acts as a way to retaliate back and hurt others the way that person was hurt.

The sad part, and a key part in this understanding is that usually, the conviction of a person’s hate is correlated to the pain they harbor. It’s where the expression, “Hurt people, hurt people” comes from. And it’s usually the case that really hurt people, really hurt people and less hurt people, hurt people less. Once we understand this, we can more mindfully begin our journey towards healing both within ourselves and with others.

And here’s the thing about healing and helping others heal: I don’t think any of us are “healed.” I think healing is a forever ongoing process. One that requires constant energy, attention, and time. Furthermore, I don’t think any of us are free from hurt. The suffering of life — in some way, shape, or form — is enough to include us all many times over. And with life being as chaotic, unpredictable, and turbulent as it is — the hurt and the healing will forever be changing all the same.

Once we understand the dynamics of hurting and healing, we can appreciate the scope of the situation we’re in. All of us are hurting — some more than others. All of us desire healing — nobody wants to remain hurt. The hurt comes as a given with life — life is suffering. Healing does not come as a given — it must be sought out and applied to one’s self. And as an act of compassion for the other, as we heal from our hurt, we can share what we’ve learned with others — so that they can hurt (and hate) less, too.

A Small Moment Reminder (For Now And For Later)

While I was walking my dog, I stepped right into the heavenly scent of backyard cookout for the first time this season and was lifted.

It was one of those “small moments” that had me utterly present and, at least for that short time, made me feel like nothing else mattered.

I’m sure you can think of a time when you were similarly swept off your feet by the majesty of a moment—that place where all of your “matters” seemed to briefly fade away.

Well, here’s the thing: there’s no shortage of “small moments.” And there’s certainly no shortage of things that could captivate your senses.

What we’re actually short on is attention. And what we’re missing is the ongoing opportunity that’s available right in front of us—now, and again, and again…

This post became the introduction for: 19 Quotes from Narrow Road To The Interior on Solitude, Travel, and Poetry

Inertia—And How It Affects Your Life

“How much of what you did today was simply due to inertia? Never get so busy that you forget to actively design your life.”
Steph Smith, Twitter

If you were to run a mile, which step would be harder to take—the first step or the last one? I would argue the first. Even though your muscles would be more fresh, it’s your mind and body that would be stale. You have to overcome a state of inactivity before running (or any other activity) and the physics is clear: starting is the hard part.

Don’t you remember this lesson from Physics class? This concept is usually taught with small moveable objects: it’s easier to keep a body in motion than it is to start a stopped body. Well, the same goes for your body. Inertia is the state of inactivity—dormancy—that works to keep your body at rest while you’re resting. Inertia is the heaviness, the resistance, the drag you feel right before you get up to move.

And many times, inertia wins. And more often than you might care to admit, inertia dictates what you actually end up doing each day. Because we humans prefer the path of least resistance and most of the time, that ends up being no path at all. Preoccupied on our phones, distracted by our laptops, busy trying to keep ourselves busy—we find ways to stay put so we don’t have to move our stopped bodies.

But, here’s the thing: we can make starting easier. We can plan our days; block out time; commit to a schedule; minimize the friction of starting; stack a new habit on top of an old one; carry momentum from one task to another; learn to say “no” to unimportant tasks; surround ourselves with people already doing the desired task; find an accountability partner; start a progress journal; ask for help; research ideas.

Never get so busy losing to inertia that you forget to actively design the life you actually want to live.

Let Actions Illustrate Knowledge—Not Words

“Today, or anytime, when you catch yourself wanting to condescendingly drop some knowledge that you have, grab it and ask: Would I be better saying words or letting my actions and choices illustrate that knowledge for me?“
Ryan Holiday, via MoveMe Quotes

If you are looking to get in shape, who are you more likely to take advice from? The certified, highly educated, unhealthy trainer — or one of your friends who lives a remarkably healthy lifestyle?

If you are looking to grow your online presence, who are you more likely to listen to? The social media expert, promising 0–100k followers, who has little to no engagement on any of their posts—or the person who posts content that you love engaging with?

When you think about the people who have influenced you the most in your life, do you think specifically about the words they said—or do you think about the way they made you feel from how they acted towards you?

What you will find is that in almost every case what we do speaks louder and has a greater impact than what we say. Even the subtlest of actions may outperform the most potent of words. And so, before you go dropping knowledge bombs on those around you, try subtly modeling the knowledge that you behold instead.

Learn how to get people to hear you without saying anything at all. Learn how to let your presence exemplify your beliefs. Learn how to let your choices reveal your character. Learn how to be the person you advise others to be—and you’ll find that your advise will start becoming more widely received.

Questions That Help Make Boundaries Less “Gray”

“Boundaries are a part of self-care. They are healthy, normal, and necessary.”
Doreen Virtue, via MoveMe Quotes

Boundaries look different when used by different people in different situations. What they might look like is: ignoring; avoiding; distancing; deliberately not engaging; strategically defusing or redirecting; mindfully reorganizing routes; changing environments; strong, assertive, direct language; etc.

The tough part is that the situations when boundaries need to be deployed are never black-and-white—they’re always gray-and-unique. This is why we need to find as much clarity ahead of time that we can. Answering these questions before your next encounter with a busybody, an ingrate, an egomaniac, a liar, the jealous, or a crank can help:

What are my limits? How far is too far when it comes to encounters with the above mentioned people?
How can I stay tuned into my feelings when I’m distracted? Is there a way I can remind myself to put up my boundaries even when I’m emotional or not thinking about them?
What might I say if I feel cornered? How can I use direct and assertive language?
What might stop me from deploying my boundaries? Are there un-dealt-with emotions from my past that are enabling these types of above mentioned people in my life?
Who might help me on this journey? Who is really good at this already that I can model my behavior after and/or seek support from?
What is the first, most viable step forward I can take? Rather than seeking to perfect this strategy of putting up my boundaries against those types of people, how can I take small steps towards better boundaries instead?

When you answer these questions, you’ll know how to handle the tough situations. The situations that most people don’t spend any time thinking about and resultantly, don’t know how to handle when they arrive.

And one thing is for sure, they will arrive. The question is, will you be ready?