Category: Being Present

A coaching client mentioned today how frustrated she was that she hasn’t been spending enough quality time with her son.

She explained that every time she has been with him recently, she felt busy and tied up doing life things: cleaning, meal prepping, scheduling, etc…

I told her: rather than have this distracted need to be done with all the life things before she brought a quality time task to her son, maybe she could find ways to bring quality into the life things.

I told her: quality time isn’t a task; it’s a state of mind.

And the reality is: it’ll never all be done!

The key is to meet yourself where you are, let curiosity arise in the current situation, and find ways to playfully engage a quality into the time.

Yesterday I drove from Buffalo, NY to Philadelphia, PA.

The drive was supposed to take six hours. But, because of weather, it took close to eleven.

That’s not only a lot of time to be driving, but it’s a lot of time to be with yourself.

And what I kept telling myself is that it was as good of a time as any to enjoy just being… and that being in Philadelphia wasn’t a better place to be than wherever I was on the road.

So I kept the music on loud… held a steady presence focused on the elements on the road… and tried to relax into my mind.

Sometimes singing came up… sometimes it was dancing… and sometimes it was inner work type thoughts. I welcomed it all. I fought none of it. And I arrived right when I was supposed to.

It oftentimes seems like many of us would.

In fact, when I look around, it seems like everybody is living in fast forward all of the time.

And for what?

To arrive where, exactly?

Back in bed? To doom scroll? For passive entertainment?

…Death?

Once the time passes, we don’t get it back.

Maybe we should try to live in “Play” or “Slow Motion” whenever possible so we don’t arrive at the end of our “Fast Forward” wishing we could press “Rewind.”

It seems to me like sitting and just being with one singular person or task or thought is becoming increasingly difficult for the modern person.

And it’s because we’re increasingly normalizing “multi-tasking,” distracted presence, and boundary-less access.

If we want to feel more fulfilled, we need to do better at filling our moments with undivided attention, energy, and effort. It’s the split attention, energy, and effort that always leaves us feeling unfulfilled, isn’t it?

Think about the days when you’re brushing your teeth while putting clothes on, checking emails at red lights, scrolling through socials while in work meetings, taking business calls while chauffeuring the kids, watching the restaurant TVs while eating out with family…

It’s all so scatterbrained and mismatched!

Of course we feel unfulfilled at the end of our days.

What we need to do is try to normalize the opposite:

• Just brushing our teeth and nothing else.
• Just getting dressed and nothing else.
• Just driving our car and nothing else.
• Just checking emails and nothing else.
• Just having business meetings and nothing else.
• Just chauffeuring the kids and nothing else.
• Just eating dinner with the fam and nothing else.
• Just having a conversation and nothing else.
• Just making a phone call and nothing else.
• Just making love and nothing else.
• Just sending a text and nothing else.
• Just exercising and nothing else.
• Just reading and nothing else.
• Just sitting in cue lines and nothing else.
• Just walking and nothing else.
• Just being and nothing else.

It’s unbelievable how simple it all is.

…And yet, it’s one of the hardest things for the modern person to do.

Dear busy person,

It’s good to remember that being busy is a choice. And that you don’t have to do everything during the day that you do…

…When, in fact, you choose to do it all because each task outweighs the consequences of not doing it (otherwise, why do it?).

…And if that’s true, then why do it all with resentment? With anger? With upset? With anxiety? With rage?

…If it’s true that doing each task is your top choice for things to do in that moment because it outweighs the consequences of not… why not do it with joy? With presence? With humor? With care? With grace?

Why not try to really enjoy your busyness rather than try to hastily get to the busyness finish line (is there even such a thing)? Don’t you think busyness is precisely what life is made up of? If not that, then what? And if life isn’t experienced in the bulk of the everyday, then when?

…Something to reflect on throughout your day today. :)

…This is what my friend with Alzheimer’s says at the end of most of his thoughts.

He’ll finish telling me a story about his life or sharing an idea or answering a question and he’ll say, almost every time,“Well… life goes on…”

Specifically, and maybe most potently in my mind, I remember him telling me how he went to several brain doctors to see what they could do to help him and they each essentially said,“Nothing really”—and I can still see him taking a long pause, taking a breath, and letting the words fall from his lips as naturally as the breath would’ve swirled into the surrounding air… “Well… life goes on.”

…Why utter these words so frequently?

…To me, it’s a statement of surrender.

…But, not in a bad way—in the most important of ways.

In the way that comes after the due diligence… after the heavy research and experimental trials and errors… after the “buying the best money could buy” and using every connection you’ve ever even faintly connected with…

Yes… after all options have been exhausted and the reality of a situation hovers overhead…

It’s a mantra that allows you to surrender to that reality… and rather than fight against life… it allows you to get back to the living of it.

Because just as there were names forgotten… there were dance moves remembered.

And just as cups of tea were lost… there were meaningful conversations found.

And just as memories were fading… new memories were made.

Because, yes, indeed…“life goes on.”

…But if we don’t surrender from the fighting, we’ll miss what’s available now and all that’s left to see.