Category: Archives

The full collection of explorations.

Picking A “Third Space”

Published on March 13, 2024

Most of us have two consistent spaces in our lives where we get to socialize, experiment, and express ourselves: home and either work or school.

At various times in our lives, there’s a third or fourth space that gives us a chance to further express different sides of our identity. The one that isn’t taking on the role of mother/father/brother/sister/etc or that gets to break free from the role of grade A student or model employee or strict boss. This might have been a local community center, church group, sports team, restaurant/café, shopping center, volunteer organization, etc.

And then at other times in our lives, we lose those third and fourth spaces and slowly allow ourselves to get pigeonholed back into just having two spaces. Or—especially after the pandemic and the rise of remote work—one space only.

The challenge with having only one or two spaces to express yourself and live is that it limits the range of expression of your identity.

I can tell you this first hand. When I’m at home or with my family, I take on my introvert or son/brother identity. When I’m at work, I take on my Martial Arts Instructor/Manager identity.

…But where’s the space for my shooting the crap with friends side of my identity? Or my carefree, speak my mind, unfiltered side? Or my adventurous, exploratory, instigative side?

…I need to actively seek out or create a third or fourth space to honor those sides.

Ask yourself what sides of your identity you’re not giving space to and then reverse engineer your way to a space that honors that type of expression.

…Let your identity stretch its limbs once again.

Dude Smiling [Poem]

Published on March 12, 2024

I saw a stranger walking today
Happy as could be
No company
No AirPods
No screens
Just walking rocking that kind of smile
That makes you turn to philosophy

I stopped at a red light
And thought about what it could possibly be
I know I’m not supposed to
But you know what always helps me?
Writing thinking down
Seeing sparked synapsis—bodily electricity
Decoded into text—something black and white
Or 1’s and 0’s if typed into a machine

Could it be excitement?
Could it be love?
Could it be a happenstance memory?
…Now I’m wondering what that smile meant to me.
When’s the last time I rocked a smile like that?
When’s the last time I overflowed
With excitement, love, or a piece of happy history?

Dude’s got me firing, decoding, creating…
And he didn’t even see me
Don’t ever tell me
You don’t matter
You’re unworthy
That you don’t make a difference to us—to me
When a smile from a stranger
Seen for .5 seconds approximately
Can spark electricity into a poem

One that became a gift for you—from me

P.s. You can read my other poems here.

Meaning via Excited-Mixed-With-Nervous

Published on March 11, 2024

Somebody was sharing today how they were feeling about becoming a parent via adoption.

The synopsis was excited at the prospect, but nervous at the thought of messing it up.

And what occurred to me was how great of a guide that excited/nervous mix is for uncovering meaning in life.

Excited alone isn’t as accurate because it could come from something inconsequential or that’s well within your comfort zone like playing a video game, shopping a sale, or going to bed early.

Nervous alone isn’t as accurate either because it could come from self-sabotaging thoughts or something too far outside of your comfort zone that makes you not do anything at all.

But, the things that you’re excited-mixed-with-nervous about? Those are the things that indicate you’re heading outside of your comfort zone (nervous) in a way that deep down you know you can handle (excited).

When I think about the things that have provided the most meaning for me in my life, this excited/nervous mix was almost always present.

…I think about times when I spoke publicly, taught classes, published vulnerable pieces of work, asked and went out on dates, performed in martial arts competitions, rose into new leadership positions, navigated important/tough conversation landscapes, stood up for what I believed in, started a new business venture and so on.

…Think about the most meaningful moments in your life and I bet you’ll see a similar pattern.

And if you do, remember this moving forward. Excited-only could mean well within your comfort zone. Nervous-only could mean too far outside of it. But, that excited/nervous mix could indicate that you’re on a path that’s just right and you should lean in.

Adding Frequency For (Better) Connection(s)

Published on March 10, 2024

If you’re looking to make new connections, think not only about new things you can do, but things you can do that have frequency associated with them.

It’s significantly more difficult to make a new connection, who you can stay connected with for an ongoing period of time, after only one meeting/ interaction.

It becomes increasingly easier to make that ongoing connection with each additional meeting/interaction opportunity you have with them.

Think about the connections you have in your life right now. How many of them did you meet just once and then got their contact info and then started hanging out with? …And how many of them did you meet through school or work or a sport or a hobby—something that had a frequency associated with it?

I’m willing to bet most of your friends are from the latter group.

And so, moving forward, if you’re feeling lonely and/or like you want to add some new connections to your life, think about what you can add to your schedule that has an ongoing frequency that also brings a reoccurring group of people to it.

Things like:

Sport Leagues
Book Clubs
Poetry Reading Series
Craft Workshops
Skill Building Classes
And so on…

And stop beating yourself up about not making new connections from things like:

Bars
Clubs
Concerts
Hikes
Festivals
And so on…

…And as an added bonus, remember that the best approach, paradoxically, is to go into these opportunities for connection with the intention of connecting better with yourself. Do things that you’re excited to do; that you look forward to doing; that you want to tell people about…

…The connection(s) will almost always take care of itself/themselves.

Gifting Your Presence

Published on March 9, 2024

Today, I caught one of my martial arts kids praising and saying hello/goodbye to other kids by name, completely unprompted.

“Hi, Ben!”

“Arm Shake?”

“Great job today, Alkalifah!”

“High 5!”

“See you later, Jackson.”

While this doesn’t sound like anything profound, what I usually see are kids completely consumed in their own worlds. Playing on screens, fixing their clothes, playing with toys, asking parents for money, picking out things they want in the pro-shop, etc.

…Which, if I’m being honest, is what I see from many (most) adults, too.

For a student to come in so present minded, and to have such an outward attention to the people in his environment, and to take the time to acknowledge them by name and say nice things is nothing short of profound if you ask me.

And if that’s something more of us adults could do, too, I’d say that’d be a pretty remarkable thing worth aiming for and celebrating as well.

Two Mindsets That’ll Make You Unstoppable:

Published on March 8, 2024

1) There’s no winning or losing—only learning. The person who wins, but doesn’t learn anything—loses; the person who loses and doesn’t learn anything—loses; and the person who has a plethora of experiences, but never learns anything from them—loses. Learning is what it’s all about. Extracting information from raw experiences that you can then use to guide you forward, upgrade your thinking, improve your processes, make better choices, and challenge yourself more appropriately in the future—whether you win, lose, or just participate makes every experience a win for living.

2) This is just the beginning. The fixed mindset says, “What I have is what I’ve got.” And when we say things like, “I can’t do that” or “That’s just the way I am” or “I’m hopeless”—what we’re really confirming is a fixed mindset way of living. We’re saying our brains and bodies won’t improve or adapt with appropriate challenge, deliberate practice, and communal support. Which, of course, just isn’t true. Our brains and bodies are brilliantly designed from millions of years of evolution to adapt to the challenges they’re exposed to. Which means it isn’t that you “can’t do it” …it’s that you can’t do it yet. It isn’t “just the way you are…” it’s the way you are for now. And you’re definitely not hopeless… you’re actually just at the cusp of a new, humble beginning.

When you know you can learn something from every experience and that you have the ability to grow, adapt, and improve both your body and mind… what could possibly stop you from moving forward in life?

How To Clear A Chaotic Mind

Published on March 7, 2024

1) Brain dump. It’s quite hard to sort through a swirling, ever building chaotic mental mess that filled with half-baked ideas, unrelenting distractionary thoughts, and painful emotions that want to be simultaneously felt as they do suppressed. Writing everything down that’s swirling through your mind allows you to: 1) take it out of your mind (which leaves less there to swirl) and 2) see it all plainly written out so you can make sense of it all. Which leads to:

2) Draw connections. Once it’s all plainly written out in front of you, organize it. Connect thoughts that are related. Simplify thoughts that are unnecessarily complex. Question each thought’s validity and eliminate those that are baseless or fantasy. By reorganizing your brain dump into a sorted list, so too will you be reorganizing your brain space from a dump to a sorted space. And finally:

3) Prioritize and act. Once everything is organized and cleaned up, the final step is to problem solve and act in accordance to what you’ve deemed as a priority. If there’s an easy solution to a problem, take it. If there’s a hard solution that you want to avoid, break it down into the smallest steps possible and take the first one. Or get the necessary (professional) help. If there’s no solution, drop it. The goal here is to close open-ended processes until that thick tornado that was rampaging through your head is thinned to just a few gusts of wind. Heck, maybe you can even get to a point of mental stillness and calm…?

…This is the way.