Month: November 2024

Fantasizing About No Obligations

Published on November 23, 2024

In these moments, when I have a ton going when… when I feel like I want nothing more than a long break… when I fantasize about no obligations, no pressure situations, no producing results… when I feel like all I want to do is have wide open days, and weeks, and months to just read books, write words, and do whatever I feel like doing…

…I think about all of the people who are in the sunset phase of life who want nothing more than to revisit the busy days… who fantasize about the times when they had tons of obligations, were living some of their life’s limelight moments, and were producing not just results, but memories that make up the core of their life’s legacy…

And it’s in these thoughts that I try to bring myself back to the present moment. There will be a day when I wish I could come back to the very moments I’m thinking about being out of. And it’s here that I get to make the impression that my future self gets to think back on. And so no, today I won’t run from what’s in front of me… I’m going to embrace it. Fully and wholeheartedly. Not just for future me, but more importantly, for current me.

I hope you will, too.

There Is No Growth Without Death

Published on November 21, 2024

My sister made an important observation at brunch this morning.

She said, “I just really want to be happy and anything that doesn’t feel good at this phase of my life, I’m removing.”

And she went on to talk about how her loyalty to people and places of work—while easily considered a strength—has turned out to be, as of late, a burden. Because while being loyal to people and places creates trust and depth of connection, it can also become a source of stagnation and toxicity. And remaining loyal to stagnation and toxicity isn’t admirable at all—in fact, it’s being disloyal to the person we should always keep at #1: ourself.

While it can be hard to detach from people and places you’ve built longstanding connection and trust with, if it isn’t serving you anymore and is making you unhappy, closing that specific chapter can be one of the most generous things you can do for the spirit of the relationship. Because not only will it create a new, fresh space for you to contemplate and play with… but it’ll likely do the same for everybody involved.

…And it’s too often that each of us forget: there is no growth without some kind of correlated “death.” You can’t keep everything the same and grow. By definition, something has got to go.

The question is, what are you willing to sacrifice for the growth you desire so?

The Irrefutable, Inexchangeable Ingredient for Growth

Published on November 20, 2024

Once you understand how to improve flexibility, you understand what it takes to grow in most any area of life.

First of all, there’s no faking it. Your starting flexibility is your starting flexibility. You can lie to yourself all you want about being able to do a full split… spreading your legs apart as far as you can will tell its own irrefutable story. This is where all growth must start… with an honest inventory of where you’re actually at.

Second, there’s no cheating it. Yes, there are certain strategies and protocols that are more effective at improving overall flexibility than others… but they all involve two fundamental and unavoidable ingredients: tension and time. And generally speaking, a person’s gains are directly proportional to the amount of time they’re able to spend in tension. And what’s crucial to understand is that we’re not talking about amount of time in one session—we’re talking about overall time spent over the course of weeks, months, and years. It’s the same with growth in any other dimension. Overall time spent in tension is the irrefutable, inexchangeable ingredient that determines growth rate.

Third, there’s no finishing it. Your flexibility today is exactly that—your flexibility just for today. Tomorrow, it won’t be the same. It’ll either improve or regress—just like every other growth area. Flexibility is as flexibility does. Every day. No way around it. So focus less on finishing and focus more on pacing. A little bit every day beats a lotta bit only sometimes—in more life areas than you might think.

P.s. Need help spending more time in tension? My “Anti-Hustle, Habit Building” Guide is on SALE now…!

Embracers of Challenge and Masters of Perspective

Published on November 19, 2024

When I write about “embracers of challenge and masters of perspective,” here’s what I mean:

One of my teenage students was telling me about how she fell down in the middle of her martial arts weapon performance. It was a form she decided to make more difficult the week of the tournament and yet, even though she fell and felt “so embarrassed,” she also said she was so glad she did it and can’t wait to own it at the next one.

A group of my adult students were telling me about how they all—maybe five or six of them—forgot the memorization of their traditional weapon form. All of them. Blanked. And yet, this is the email I got from one of them: “Our group of competitors learned a lot of humility when attempting and failing our weapon forms. We all knew we didn’t do it correctly and immediately cheered on our competitors to not quit. We all finished and were able to laugh at ourselves and cheer each other on for our next tournament. This group of competitors is just so amazing. We all strive for nothing but our best but do not break each other down. Love this family!!!!”

Another one of my adult students (48 years old), decided to compete in her first ever tournament. She’s a mother of two, a wife, has been training for 2+ years and simply hadn’t pulled the trigger to do one. And when I asked what her ideal outcome would be she said, “just getting through it—place isn’t important, getting this first one under my belt is the real victory.” …And I couldn’t agree more.

Competition Success vs Life Success

Published on November 18, 2024

Competitions aren’t designed to build confidence, they’re designed to challenge competitors.

When I think about confidence, I think about success remembered. Remembering a time (or many times) when I successfully did the thing I’m about to do—that I’m scared to do—is about as reassuring as it gets… because it’s tangible, evidence-based proof.

And when I think about traditional settings of competition, where there’s one first place winner and a group of three or more competitors, more competitors will end up losing than winning. And “losing” isn’t the foundation that confidence is built upon.

But—and this is a BIG but—losses learned from IS the foundation that life success is built upon.

As I mentioned in the beginning, competitions are designed to challenge the competitor. And what is life but a disproportionate amount of challenge compared to ease? And what makes challenges so challenging…? The fact that we keep losing when we’re trying to win!

See, when we learn how to manage the “losses” appropriately… when we learn to contextualize what’s really happening when we compete (is it really about the first place trophy?)… when we learn to roll with the punches, extract the lessons, and return to our practice with fresh insights—better insights than we had before…

How could we ever really lose?

Demanding competition success isn’t helping with life success—especially if it’s removing the challenge from the experience. Teaching competitors how to become embracers of challenge and masters of perspective… now that is a foundation that will set them up for life.

The Opposite of Human

Published on November 17, 2024

I’ve competed in hundreds of martial arts tournaments throughout my life.

And while the goal was always to perform my routine perfectly… or fight my fights flawlessly… or do my demos without even the faintest of mistakes… I can’t think of a single time when I actually did any of that.

What I do remember are highlight moments when I nailed a really hard move or scored a picture perfect point… but most of all… I remember the feelings…

I remember the intensity of the nerves… the shakiness of my legs… the feeling of being in a foreign body that felt nothing like it did in practice…

And I remember the intensity of the highs when I triumphed… the sense of accomplishment when I’d finish a long day of competition… the feelings of pride and dignity when I was recognized by others as having done well.

And I think to myself about how many potent life experiences I would’ve missed out on if I waited to compete until I felt perfectly ready… or if after my first few experiences of not having flawless performances—I gave up…

The reality is this: perfect is the opposite of human.

And if you feel like you’re living a lackluster existence… like you’re missing depth in your life… like the days feel more gray than colorful…

Then maybe you should question what kind of role perfection plays in your life. Because as tough as it might sound… embracing imperfect action is the path that’ll lead you the other way.

P.s. ICYMI, you can read the best of what I posted to MoveMe Quotes last week here.

Clawing Tooth And Nail For Status

Published on November 15, 2024

When most people hear tournament, they think competition… they think going up against others to score some kind of win or victory… they think comparison opportunity.

This past weekend, while hosting a martial arts tournament, I was thoroughly impressed with one of the visiting masters who brought an entirely different kind of energy to the event.

Rather than a, “let’s see how many of their students we can beat…” kind of energy, what he brought was a “let’s show appreciation to those who are helping promote the spread of traditional martial arts…” kind of energy.

And he showed up, not with an intention of taking as many of our trophies as possible, but with official certificates of appreciation that they honored several of our staff with.

…What he brought was honor and dignity to our event. More than was there before.

And in a world where so many people are focused exclusively on social hierarchies and clawing tooth and nail to improve their status… this was exactly the kind of breath of fresh air I—most probably we—needed.

Inner Work Prompt: Rather than focus on how you might be better than others or how they might be worse… how can you bring honor and dignity to those around you instead?