Month: May 2021

Thoughts On Handling “Heavy” Days

Published on May 19, 2021

Do you ever get those days that just feel, heavy? That’s how the past few days have felt for me. I’m not quite sure why. Nothing obvious seems to be triggering it and I can’t seem to easily shake it. My instinct is to fight it or vilify it because it’s an undesired feeling, but maybe there’s a better way.

After thinking about it more deeply, it seems to me that vilifying an emotion is exactly what turns an emotion into a villain. After all, if it’s seen as a villain, called a villain, treated like a villain, and thrown aggressively into the darkness like a villain—how could it not become a villain? Maybe a better approach would be to allow it. To give it space. To let it move when it arrives. To give it the light of consciousness rather than the darkness of ignorance. To treat it with compassion.

Think about it. What happens when you choose to fight a passing by emotion? It’s precisely what causes it to stop in its tracks, put up its guard, and throw down against you and your will.

And it’s not like there are any “emotional police” who can come to break up the fight. It’s a battle to knockout or submission. And if one beats the other, then what? Hand shakes, inner peace, and lightness? I’d argue that the more likely outcome is resentment, begrudging, and spiraled darkness. And so the recurring battle against “heaviness” is born.

I believe that fighting an emotion—any emotion—will only negatively magnify it. Allowing an emotion to move is how it passes. Maybe this is why the “light” days seem to pass so quickly? You give them the space, path, light, and compassion to move comfortably forward and with ease—and so they do. Maybe that’s exactly what we need to do for our “heavy” days, too?

The Problem With Forcing Yourself Into New Habits

Published on May 18, 2021

“When you have to, you find an excuse. When you want to, you find a way.”
Mustafa Khundmiri, Twitter

One mistake people make when trying to adopt new habits is they try to force themselves into new behaviors rather than ease themselves into them. While we certainly have to force ourselves to do things sometimes—forcing isn’t a good long-term strategy.

Eventually, forcing leads to resentment and resentment leads quickly to excuses. Sick? Excuse. Tired? Excuse. Busy? Excuse. Stubbed toe? Excuse. The wind blew differently? Excuse. To the person uninterested in doing the work—who resents the work—anything can (and usually will) be made into an excuse.

To the person interested in doing the work, however, anything can happen and an alternative is always sought and usually found. Sick? Alternative. Tired? Indomitable spirit. Busy? Not for top priorities. Stubbed toe? Got nine other fully functional ones. Wind blew wrong? Stop being ridiculous.

When you ease yourself into new habits, for the right reasons, you drastically change your relationship with the accompanying behaviors. Rather than the behaviors being something you resent and have to force yourself to do, they can become something you actually enjoy and look forward to doing.

Think about one healthy habit that you already have incorporated into your life that you most look forward to. We all have at least one. Then, think about why. From there, think about how you can incorporate another healthy habit that mimics those reasons. And ease yourself into a more enjoyable lifestyle in a more enjoyable way.

Milestones In What (Later) Feels Like Minutes

Published on May 15, 2021

I distinctly remember times when I would look out of my middle school classroom window and think to myself, “Wow—before I know it, I’m going to be in high school.”

And years later, when I would think back on that thought in high school, I would again think to myself, “Wow—at this rate, before I know it, I’m going to be graduating college.”

And in what felt like the blink of an eye, there I was walking across the graduation stage. I even remember thinking shortly thereafter, “Wow—pretty soon it will have been 10 years since I’ve graduated college.”

And that’s the milestone that I just hit this month. And here I am thinking to myself again, “Wow—pretty soon I’ll be finishing up my 30s and moving into a whole new decade.”

The thought of time going by that fast scares me. But, it also drives me to make every moment worthwhile while I’m here—in my 30s. Because before I know it, in what will surely feel like the blink of an eye, I’ll be turning 40 and once again in awe of how fast time flew by.

Best to make the best of it while we’re here, where we are—today.

Motivation Follows Action (Not The Other Way Around)

Published on May 14, 2021

I feel the least motivated to workout right before it’s time to workout. I’m usually tired, achy, sore, and being relentlessly poked and prodded by my brain about everything else I have to do (and why I should skip). Exercise is never appealing at the onset.

I feel the most motivated about working out right after I finish. I’m pumped up with endorphins, reminded of all the benefits of exercise, and in a much better place to handle the endless list of tasks in front of me. There’s never a workout I regret doing.

Most of the time when I sit to write, I feel uninspired and unmotivated. It’s only on a rare occasion that I’m motivated and have an idea of what I want to say. My norm is to look at the dreaded blank page cluelessly.

Here’s the thing: I write on both occasions; I workout on both occasions—I try to be the person who doesn’t miss. I try to remember that as soon as I hit “publish” I’m going to be back on cloud nine. And that as soon as I finish that last rep of that last set, I’ll be exercises biggest fan once more.

You see, you don’t show up with motivation so that you can take the actions—you show up with the actions so that you can take the motivation. The trick is getting used to showing up without motivation. Once you can get in the habit of doing that, the result is an unwavering dedication that can last a lifetime.

This post became the introduction for: 16 Fierce Jocko Willink Quotes from Discipline Equals Freedom

The Paradox Of Personal Change

Published on May 13, 2021

“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.”
Carl Rogers, Via MoveMe Quotes

Putting on a mask doesn’t change who you are. It may change your outward appearance, but underneath—there you are. Wearing a mask might make you feel different and therefore may entice you to act different, but, when the mask comes off—so, too, does the behavior. They are intertwined. If they weren’t, then why wear the mask?

Social media is the modern-day digital mask. It allows you to change your outward appearance at scale. From the comfort of your home, you can filter how you look, prop up a facade to change the way you live, and surround yourself with people pumped up on vanity metrics. But, after you’re done thumbing through your phone and the screen turns off—there you are. No different than you were before you turned the phone on.

When you accept yourself just as you are, what you’re really doing is accepting your current situation and limitations—as they are. You’re not trying to pretend you’re somebody you’re not, who is living a lifestyle you actually aren’t, who is doing things you, in fact, are not. You’re admitting to yourself your real identity, what you’re actually capable of, and what your current situation will realistically allow you to do.

And there you are. And finally, the real change can begin.

Leave No Room For Exceptions

Published on May 12, 2021

“Exceptions lead to more exceptions. It’s really easy to justify not doing [a] new habit (or doing an old habit you’re trying to quit) by saying, ‘Just one time won’t hurt.’ Except that it will, because now you think it’s OK to make exceptions. And now you don’t really trust yourself to stick to your promise to yourself. It’s much more effective to not make exceptions—catch yourself if you’re thinking about it and trying to justify it, and remember your motivations. When I quit smoking, I told myself Not One Puff Ever (NOPE).”
Leo Babauta, Zen Habits

The habit changes that I’ve had the most success with have been the ones that I’ve been the most strict with myself about. When I started drinking coffee black, I told myself No Cream Or Sugar Ever. When I cut donuts from my diet, I told myself Not One Bite Ever. When I stopped drinking alcohol, I told myself Not One Sip Ever.

Like Babauta, I made sure there were no exceptions or ‘gray-areas’ to these habit changes—and while that might sound harsh and intense, it actually made the habit change process easier for me.

The problem with setting up more vague goals like, “I’m going to try to stop drinking my coffee with cream and sugar,” or “I’m going to try to eat less donuts,” or “I’m really not going to go out and drink as much anymore,” is that it leaves room for mental negotiation. Which, as I’m sure you’re all too familiar with, leads to long, hard, draining mental fights.

And the problem with long, hard, draining mental fights with your forever argumentative, unrelenting mind is that—you’ll eventually lose.But, just one donut won’t hurt, right? Well, how do you decide which days to follow this goal and which days not to? How will you know for sure when it’s okay to stray from your intentions? Why is it okay to mess up on some days but not others?

When you set out strong from the beginning and make your goals “black-and-white,” whatever they might be for you, there’s no question.No confusion. No special situations or exceptions. The answer is always and every time, “NOPE.” Easy. End of discussion. Onto the next thought.

On Feeling ALL Of Your Feelings

Published on May 11, 2021

“Feel all of your feelings but don’t assume to know what they mean. Allow the truth of each feeling to be revealed to you.”
Maryam Hasnaa, via MoveMe Quotes

Within each of us is an entire community of emotions. We are never composed of just one emotion. Our inner community is made up of happy emotions and sad emotions; excited emotions and anxious emotions; hopeful emotions and fearful emotions; loving emotions and hateful emotions; and so forth. And how we treat each of these emotions—each community member—will determine our overall spirit.

By expanding our inner workings from just “how we generally feel” to a community of individual members with different needs, we can start to honor each of our inner members with the attention, energy, and respect they deserve. The tendency, when focusing just on “overall feeling,” is to honor the feelings of happiness, joy, pleasure—and to suppress and vilify the feelings of sadness, upset, and hurt.

But, feelings of sadness, upset, and hurt don’t just come from nothing—they’re sourced from pain and are there to communicate crucial insights about your inner community.

When those community members are disrespected, blown off, and demonized—it makes things in your inner community worse. Eventually, as it happens in life, those community members start spewing hate, anger, and upset at other community members until—inevitably—there is an uprising. This is when breakdowns, explosions, and life-halting crisis happen. And it’s what will cause them to continue happening until the uprising has been properly dealt with and those community members have settled.

We have to look at ourselves as the presiding ruler of our inner community—because that’s what we are. We are not just one person who has one emotion at any given time. We are one person who is looking after many, many community emotions inside. And how we treat any of those emotions—community members—is as noteworthy and important as how we treat any of the others.