Category: Healthy Boundaries

It would be nice if you could set a boundary once and have it be as good as law.

But it’s worth remembering that even laws need to be monitored, patrolled, and enforced.

The strength of the boundary doesn’t come from the tone of your voice the one time you set it… or in the size of the intentions you have behind it… or in the seriousness of your body language when you talk about it.

The strength of the boundary comes from the strength of the enforcement of said boundary.

For example, driving 5 miles per hour over the speed limit will rarely get you a speeding ticket—it’s rarely enforced. But, running a red light? You’ll almost always get ticketed for. The latter is enforced significantly more than the former.

Now think about how this applies to the boundaries you’re trying to establish and maintain in your life. Are you setting 5 miles per hour over the speed limit boundaries that are only enforced… never? Or are you setting running a red light boundaries that are enforced every time. Think about the boundaries you’re trying to establish with yourself… your loved ones… your co-workers… etc…

People (you included) don’t respond to the announcements… they respond to the level of the enforcement.

One of my students was telling me about a friend who has become increasingly toxic in her life.

She brings miserable energy, gossips constantly, and gaslights people into conflicts.

The problem, she continued, is that she’s also lonely and constantly reaches out for connection and help.

While there’s no easy, universal answer to a situation like this (there are many nuances that should be considered in each individual situation)—the bottom line I told her is this: your primary duty in life is and should always be to protect and prioritize yourself and your own wellbeing first.

…Without that, everything else collapses.

And if a friend—or family member even—is causing you mental, emotional, or physical harm… then you need to prioritize them OUT of your life.

The how is largely going to depend on the individual circumstances. In some cases, it may need to be done drastically and all at once. In others, it may need to be done slowly and discreetly. But, that it needs to happen is almost undeniable.

…Think about it like this: how much poison is an acceptable amount of poison to drink daily?

None.

Obviously.

Does this mean you should avoid all toxicity like poison? Not necessarily. Pick your battles and fight your fight when you need to. But the reality of life is: nobody is coming to save us—we must save ourselves.

And drawing clear boundaries doesn’t make you a bad person (only gaslighters will make you think that)… they make you a BETTER one. And the better you become, ironically, the more you’ll be able to help others with the extra strength and energy you’ve saved.

Today, Verizon lost me as a customer.

The short of it is that they made promises they didn’t keep.

They promised certain deals, promised easy corrections, promised fixed bills… and broke those promises over and over and over again.

And it eventually got to the point where I gave them an ultimatum: either we fix this today or I’m going to another company.

After an hour of re-explaining the situation for the tenth time, the manager gave me a number to call… for the tenth time… and said that’s the best he could do.

So I left.

And so should you.

And I’m not talking about Verizon anymore.

I’m talking about businesses, services, and people in general who make promises they don’t keep.

And I’m not even just talking about “I promise” promises… I’m talking about people who don’t follow through with their word. People who say they’re going to do something and don’t.

The foundation of all relationships—be it business, service, or personal—is trust. And trust is built one made and kept promise at a time.

Don’t keep trying to build a house when what someone is giving you is sand for bricks.

Trust those who give you bricks to build houses with.

Yesterday, I had an intense non-stop day.

The martial arts school I teach at crossed 35 years in business and we hosted an open house event to celebrate. This involved a ton of setup, nonstop social interactions, and of course, lots of martial arts instruction. The team and I had to get there extra early and stay extra late.

Immediately afterwards, I was hosting a going away party for two of my martial arts instructors who are leaving to college. I had about 20 people over to my house and literally repeated the same thing from the morning. A ton of setup, nonstop social interactions, and—rather than dynamic martial arts instruction—a bunch of food prep, cooking, and cleaning took its place.

When it was all said and done, the day went from 7am – 11pm.

…Which was when I had to go to the computer to write my daily post for you beautiful people—which took me until after midnight.

…In no way am I complaining about any of this—it was a phenomenal day.

It’s simply a reminder to myself and to maybe a handful of you that when planning intense busyness, you mustn’t forget to plan proportionally intense recharging.

This picture quote I uploaded to MoveMe Quotes this week acted as a foreshadowing and personal reminder for what was to come this weekend.

Because today, it was a whole bunch of nothing. A day when I could recharge in proportion to how much I worked yesterday. A day when I can do as I please… relax or move as I wish… refuel, recover, and prepare for whatever will come tomorrow.

The problem with Reels/Shorts/Tik-Toks is the same problem as bringing the whole bag of cookies/chips with you to the couch… one by one they feel so small… so harmless… a few mere calories in your thousands of calories budget…

…Altogether, however, it turns out to be very much the opposite of that.

The illusion of the mini dose is, “What’s one more gonna hurt?” …It’s only a few seconds / few calories out from your day/ my diet… When in reality, one more turns into another one and another one until it’s way more than just one more.

…A few hours and several hundred calories out from your day/ diet.

This is why we don’t bring the whole bag of cookies with us to the couch; we eat a deliberate and mindful portion.

It’s also why I intentionally avoid opening the “bag” of Reels/Shorts/Tik-Toks when I’m on the couch or unwinding on my phone…

And instead, will watch more medium to long-form content on YouTube… things that are portioned, deliberate, and have actual, identifiable conclusions.

It’s choosing to eat a slice of apple pie versus choosing to eat from a bottomless bag of Doritos or Oreos.

…And it is making all the difference.

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Inner work prompt: How can you switch from bottomless bag to one slice in your life?

Every stimulus begs a response.

• Your phone rings from every call—and “likely spam” is your bff. You must decide if you’ll look, not look, answer, or ignore—every time.
• An app sends a notification. You must decide if you’ll clear it, check it (and likely go down the rabbit hole), or ignore it (and wonder about it on and off until you check it).
• A company emails you about a sale. You must decide if you’ll read it, click it, trash it, or ignore it.
• A friend asks you to do something you don’t want to. You must decide if you’ll say yes, say no, or come up with some kind of excuse or delay.
• The social media accounts you follow show hyper fit and popular people doing incredible and hilarious things that make you feel bad about yourself. You must decide if you’ll leave it and keep opening and scrolling, if you’ll unfollow/mute/block, or if you’ll ignore.

It’s one thing to work really hard to train your responses. To understand that the gap between stimulus and response is your destiny. To learn to control anger, to calm yourself after getting triggered, to manage your impulses to indulge, to have the confidence to stand up for yourself, to teach yourself to love yourself and not compare yourself to others…

…And it’s a whole ‘nother thing to design your lifestyle in a way that those types of stimuli that illicit those types of undesirable responses don’t even exist.

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P.s. If you enjoy getting these types of morning stimuli, you can support my future work by filling up my cup with that hot, brown goodness here.