Category: Transforming Pain

The Difference Between “Better” and “Better Fit”

Published on October 2, 2024

Here’s a hard truth: Sometimes, you won’t be good enough.

Whether it’s for a person, a job, a sports team, etc… it just might be the case that there’s somebody out there who’s a better fit than you.

And I think that’s the correct phrasing that a lot of people mess up.

…It’s not that they’re better than you—that’s too all encompassing of a statement that ignores the fact that we are all each a very complex collection of strengths and weaknesses that make up something completely incomparable one person to the next.

…Did you catch that?

They’re not better than you—they’re a better fit than you.

…In that person’s eyes, in that very specific situation, under those very specific circumstances.

But, that’s okay because you’re a better fit than them in countless other ways.

The problem isn’t you. The problem is that you’re trying to fit your very specific puzzle piece into the wrong place on the board.

Don’t get it twisted: there’s a place for you.

But, the more time you spend trying to shove yourself into the wrong puzzle piece spot, the less time you’ll be able to spend exploring the countless other opportunities that you’ll get to align yourself with and grow into.

RIP Aunt Mary

Published on September 25, 2024

My great aunt Mary passed away a few weeks ago.

And the other day, a friend and I helped move furniture around and out of her stripped down apartment.

It was weird to see how, within a matter of a few short weeks, everything she owned was either given away, sold, or trashed.

Everything.

From her apartment and car to her furniture and TVs to her clothes and jewelry.

It was a reminder for me that we don’t really own anything in this life.

Everything is merely being borrowed—even the things we pay for in full.

And when it’s all said and done, what gets remembered and tallied isn’t the physical objects or dollar signs we leave behind… but, as my aunt so eloquently said at her funeral, it’s “Loving well that’s the best legacy of them all.”

Today, let’s remember to love well.

Smothering Passion(s) With Dollar Signs

Published on September 15, 2024

My aunt loves sewing.

She loves it so much that she bought a ~$10,000 sewing machine.

And she uses it for every penny she invested into it.

She’ll quilt. She’ll create apparel and gifts. She’ll even create quilted artwork.

When I asked her if she wanted to earn some side hustle money by helping sew patches onto students’ uniforms for the martial arts school I work at… she quickly (and graciously) turned the idea down.

“As soon as I start doing it as a job, I’m going to hate it.” She explained.

And so she doesn’t.

Instead, she follows her curiosities. She challenges herself with interesting projects. She even finds ways to use her unique set of skills to help better the world around her.

Just today, she gave me container with 20 hand made toiletry bags that she wants to fill with toiletries and give to those at local women’s shelters.

Here’s the thing: turning our skills and passion-projects into side hustles can be great… but it can also ruin the thing that lights you up.

Like my aunt, tread that line carefully and dutifully check in with yourself to ensure you’re always fanning the flames of your inner fire—never smothering them with dollar signs or anything else.

Don’t Bury Your Head In The Sand

Published on August 3, 2024

One common rebuttal to joy, optimism, and positivity is, “but there’s so much suffering, injustice, and hate—how could you?”

But, this same logic can be used to argue the inverse: “But there’s so much light, beauty, and love—how could you feel sad, anxious, and hateful?”

What’s important is simply not to live in only one world or the other; to not bury your head in the sand towards any of the sides.

What’s important is to help alleviate the suffering, act against injustice, and deploy the opposite of hate… while also soaking in the plentiful light, admiring all the world’s beauty, and allowing yourself to feel and express love.

What’s important is to remain present, open-hearted, and brave. To not become so overly immersed in only one aspect of the world that you can no longer see the opposite. Because the one aspect helps deepen the appreciation and understanding of the other just as the other helps build the same for the one.

Lean into it all. Don’t bury your head in the sand. Life is found throughout.

My Divorced Parents Are… In A Band?

Published on July 31, 2024

After getting divorced when I was around 11 years old and both having gotten remarried, my mom and my dad announced this week that they’re playing together in a band, at what’s going to be their official public debut, on my birthday, this month.

To add a little more context, my parents were in a folk band with several other friends when I was a child, that slowly fell apart as life happened to the band mates. Fast forward to around two decades after their divorce, and my dad reached out to my mom to see if she wanted to join a little band practice thing he started in his basement with a few other friends. She eventually agreed. The band grew. The practices continued and the sound kept improving. And now, today, they’re ready to share what they’ve created with the public and jam again.

The reason I share this with you is to remind you that when you can confront your pains, learn to forgive and find common ground, evolve/grow, and lead with compassion and understanding… you get to move on and do other things with your life. Things that don’t revolve around the ruins of the past, but feature new growth that sprouts into the future.

P.s. This is their announcement poster and band name (lol).

The Signal Of The Pain

Published on July 25, 2024

In reply to my recent post on pain, a reader asked, “I think you were talking more about metaphorical pain, but in regards to physical pain I’m curious what your thoughts are. If I play basketball and my feet hurt, as long as it’s within reason, the solution is to play more basketball. What do you think? Is the pain the solution?”

My response: It might not always be as simple as keep playing basketball—although it could be.

I look at physical pain as a signal. A signal that’s trying to show me something about either my body or the thing I exposed my body to.

When I would run, I would often get spasms in my neck/shoulder area. That was a signal that my neck/shoulders needed more stretching—both before the run and as an ongoing preventive measure.

If I would workout and it caused excessive soreness… it was a signal that the muscle was intensely challenged and needed more attention/reps to be built up.

If an exercise caused injury, however, then a deeper exploration was needed. Deadlift, for example, is an exercise I had to remove from my routine altogether. I would repeatedly throw out my back regardless of how clean my technique was. This was a signal that I just had an injury-prone lower back and deadlift wasn’t appropriate for me. So, I opted for bodyweight and light/moderate resistance exercises instead.

And so, yes, I would still say the cure for the pain is in the pain—not to say we keep doing the same things blindly—but because it’s only by exploring and interpreting the signal of the pain that we can determine the appropriate path forward.

Lean Into It

Published on July 23, 2024

I shared a quote the other day to MoveMe Quotes that said, “The cure for pain is in the pain” by Rumi and commented, “Lean into it.”

To which someone replied, “What a load o shite. Lean into it? Really? Pain ain’t a Tug o war team. For some, it’s unbearable. Don’t lean into it. Get help!”

To which I replied, “Getting help nicely aligns with leaning into it. The point is simply not to avoid it/ suppress it/ run from it/ drown it in distractions, drugs, desires, etc.”

“Lean into it” is an expression I’m quite fond of in regards to this topic.

It implies a humble and aligned confrontation with the uncomfortable that isn’t forced, rash, or too intense.

It implies a calm courage that’s ready deal with whatever has been causing the pain… without haste—which further implies a willingness to persevere for the long haul (not being in a hurry is an excellent sign that you’re committed to the process).

…Because pain isn’t something that’s just cured and then gone from your life. Pain is something you have to keep leaning into. Something you keep confronting. Something you keep displaying a calm courage towards… not with the expectation of curing or solving it… but, with the expectation of understanding it, better managing it, and not exasperating it.

The cure for pain is in the pain.

…But maybe not all at once. Maybe by just a little bit after each session.

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