Category: Identity

Yesterday I mentioned a sudden interest in music… and how, at 35 I’m playing around with the idea of playing around with music.

Most people at 35—or in this general age range we’ll say—typically assume they know who they are, what they like/dislike, how they want to live their life, etc…

But, that couldn’t be further from the truth.

As I said yesterday, we are never carved from stone. We are always a river flowing towards something new.

And if you’re paying attention… you might notice some “pulls” in different directions… “pulls” that might very well be worth following…

Here’s what my “pulls” towards music looked like:

• I noticed I get triggered when music is cut without a good fade.
• I prefer to listen to music over podcasts or silence or audiobooks in all of my downtime.
• I’ve been obsessed with DJ tutorial videos and how to seamlessly (and brilliantly) transition one song to the next.
• I’ve adopted a belief (from Burning Man) that music IS the space—oftentimes more so than the space itself… and I’m acutely in tune with the energy and vibe the music being played brings (or should be bringing).
• I’ve experienced first hand the unifying power of music—and how it connects people of all races, religions, colors, creeds, or political affiliations. It is the antithesis—the antidote even—to so much of the division that is only getting worse in everyday life.

Inner Work Prompt: Reflect on the past year of your life. Have there been any “pulls” in your life that might be worth following and creating a space for?

Never forget the power you have in this moment.

As much as you might think you’re “stuck”—you’re really only a few decisions away from unstuck.

As much as you might think you’re “lost”—you’re really only a few decisions away from picking a destination and/or direction.

As much as you might think it’s “too late”—you’re really only a few decisions away from “better late than never.”

A lot of what you think and how you perceive your current situation is a result of consistent, relentless messaging—from family, school, media, work, friends, etc.

When you hear something over and over again enough—you start to believe it.

And once you start to believe it, and you hear yourself say it to you over and over again enough—you start to internalize it and take it for reality.

Today, I want you to challenge those beliefs, mute the messaging that’s reaffirming those limitations, and start telling yourself something different.

The way to undo the effects of relentless messaging is to be relentless in your counter-messaging.

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P.s. My guides can help give you a powerful jump start in the counter-messaging of your life.

Last night I saw Richard III—the Shakespearian play—performed by a crew of high school students, one of whom was a martial arts student of mine.

I was blown away.

Not only by the memorization of their lines, the acting, the setup, etc—but by the raw passion and confident expression that these 16 and 17 year olds were able to cultivate and showcase.

What really brought this home for me were the final moments after the play concluded when the organizer came on stage and gave the audience and performers an opportunity to interact.

“What words come to mind when you think about what you saw tonight?” she asked the audience.

“Confidence!” “Passionate!” “Moving!” Were some of the things the audience shouted.

“What words help define what you tried to bring to this performance tonight?” she asked the performers.

“Self Belief!” “Commitment!” “Going all in!” Were some of the things the performers responded with.

And what the organizer said was that those were called, “New Reference Points.”

Points that, once lived, become evidence-based aspects of their identity that they can reference and call back upon at any point of their life from there forward.

Because having confidence or being passionate or going all in on self-expression, for those students, were no longer abstract thoughts that linger in the back of their minds as they self-consciously worry and wonder about what other people will think of them.

…They’re real parts of their identity that were awakened, allowed to emerge from the depths, and will forever hold a space in (their) reality.

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Inner work prompt: What type of experience(s) would you try that would give you new reference points?

Most of us have two consistent spaces in our lives where we get to socialize, experiment, and express ourselves: home and either work or school.

At various times in our lives, there’s a third or fourth space that gives us a chance to further express different sides of our identity. The one that isn’t taking on the role of mother/father/brother/sister/etc or that gets to break free from the role of grade A student or model employee or strict boss. This might have been a local community center, church group, sports team, restaurant/café, shopping center, volunteer organization, etc.

And then at other times in our lives, we lose those third and fourth spaces and slowly allow ourselves to get pigeonholed back into just having two spaces. Or—especially after the pandemic and the rise of remote work—one space only.

The challenge with having only one or two spaces to express yourself and live is that it limits the range of expression of your identity.

I can tell you this first hand. When I’m at home or with my family, I take on my introvert or son/brother identity. When I’m at work, I take on my Martial Arts Instructor/Manager identity.

…But where’s the space for my shooting the crap with friends side of my identity? Or my carefree, speak my mind, unfiltered side? Or my adventurous, exploratory, instigative side?

…I need to actively seek out or create a third or fourth space to honor those sides.

Ask yourself what sides of your identity you’re not giving space to and then reverse engineer your way to a space that honors that type of expression.

…Let your identity stretch its limbs once again.

At a recent holiday party that was being hosted at the school I teach at, I put on fun dance music, had a big group of kids make a circle and told them to copy whoever was voted to go into the middle.

The kids who were voted in danced, jumped, spun, cartwheeled, ran, slid, kicked, ducked, jumping jacked, wormed, can opened, back bent, and so much more—with very little hesitation or self-consciousness. And there was a 100% participation rate.

After a few rounds of that, I told the kids to just dance however they wanted to—that there was no need to copy any more. And they all pretty much did.

…Except one little boy who couldn’t have been older than seven who came up to me and said, “I am not the dancing type.”

Which was curious to me because he participated and moved the entire time we were in the copying rounds.

So I responded as unhesitatingly as I could and said, “That’s okay, you don’t have to be. Just keep copying the other kids and don’t worry what anybody else thinks.”

And so he agreed and went off jumping, spinning, cartwheeling, running, sliding, kicking, ducking, jumping jacking, worming, can opening, back bending, and so much more.

I don’t know how he came to the conclusion—at seven—that he wasn’t the “dancing type,” but what I saw was a kid who was “dancing” just as good as any other on that floor.

And it was a wonderful reminder that the words that follow “I am…” follow you. So be VERY careful what words you choose to fill in that blank with.

With each reflected upon experience, we learn something about ourselves.

…Something goes well and we make a mental note to try and repeat that experience.

…Something goes wrong and we make a mental note to try and not repeat that experience.

The more we do this, the more self-aware we become. Until eventually, we get to a point where we feel like we know ourselves pretty damn well.

…We know what boosts us up and we know what brings us down. We know what makes us cheery and helpful—and we know what makes us irritable and withdrawn. We know what keeps us calm and we know what ticks us off.

And while there’s no doubt that this type of insight is invaluable to a person… it can also slowly become a crutch.

Oscar Wilde once said, “To define is to limit”—and this is precisely what we do to ourselves the more we “define” ourselves. The more sure we are that we’re “not a morning person”—the more we limit our ability to experience joy in the morning. The more sure we are that we “can’t function without food at a certain time”—the more we limit our ability to perform if we ever aren’t able to eat at that certain time. The more sure we are that we “aren’t the person who does that—whatever “that” is—the more we limit ourselves from ever trying.

Self-awareness is a superpower—don’t get me wrong.

But, try not to be so self-aware that you leave yourself no room to breathe into any new/fresh identities or take on any new/fresh experiences.