One of my employees just turned 18… and I texted him happy birthday and added a bunch of exclamation points and emojis.
…His mom ordered him a *singing telegram* (a person dressed up in a frog suit who would show up in person and sing happy birthday to him), made an array of homemade cupcakes for him and his coworkers, and got him a stuffed frog as a gift so he could always remember the moment.
Sure, it’s the thought that counts.
But, it’s the effort that gets remembered.
I have two baby trees growing in my front yard.
They planted themselves and all I did was not mow them dead while cutting the lawn. And it’s been about a year now.
The one is growing in solid. Upright and sturdy. Tons of branches and leaves. About 5 feet tall.
The other is… not so much. He’s having a hard time staying upright as of late. He’s about 4 feet tall and was toppled over almost in full, laying sadly on the lawn when I looked out the front window the other day.
So, I propped him up with a makeshift crutch and he was good again.
Until today, when I looked out and saw that he’s starting to lean the other way now.
I want to help as little as possible because I know it’s through this process that he’ll deepen his roots. Which, evidently is the main difference between the first tree and this one. Mr. 4 foot either reached a little too high, too fast with his branches and/or didn’t invest enough time on the deeper, wider reach of his roots.
Of course, I can’t deepen his roots for him and the more I add crutches, the less he’ll invest in root stability himself. On the other hand, I can’t just leave him toppled over… so there’s this delicate balance going on of letting him get knocked around by the elements and making sure he doesn’t topple over and die completely.
…An act I think about often as it relates to life.
There’s trying to help… and then there’s letting people help themselves.
The art of being actually helpful is in balancing these efforts mindfully.
Last week, my martial arts students and I reflected on the question, “Who is a rich person?“
This week, we reflected on, “Who is a strong person?”
And the question I asked to help them gather their ideas was, “Who is one of the strongest people you know in your life?” And “Why?”
…And not a single person mentioned someone because of their sheer physical strength.
Each person mentioned somebody because of their emotional and/or mental strength.
They mentioned people who showed resilience, grit, patience, kindness, and courage in the face of adversity and unfairness in life… Parents who brilliantly juggled family, career, health, and more in spite of incredible challenges… People who were diagnosed with life threatening illnesses yet maintained a constructive outlook and found ways to carry through.
While physical strength is certainly impressive, the takeaway for me is that it’s built mostly for the individual… whereas emotional and/or mental strength is a strength that benefits every single person that individual interacts with.
I’m sure you have crossed paths with a muscle-head who was an absolute a-hole… who was, yes, utilizing a type of emotion and/or mental strength to develop their physical strength—but it was for the sole purpose of vanity… it was for themselves.
Whereas the people who develop their mental strength—by building discipline, courage, focus, respect, etc… or the people who develop their emotional strength—by practicing mindfulness, patience, openness, and do inner work… become sources of strength for us all.
P.s. One of the strongest people I ever knew was my great grandmother. Here’s why.
Start by taking care of yourself—physically, mentally, emotionally…
Everything after this step is counterproductive if this first step isn’t done right.
If it is done right, then, focus on taking care of your environment… physically, aesthetically, organizationally…
These first two steps are intimately intertwined. As the saying goes, don’t go complaining about the world until your own house is in order. Systemize your chores. Tend to your gardens. Repair what’s broken. This will elevate who you attract back into your life which will further compliment self-care. Only after this is done right, should you extend your efforts further.
Continue by taking care of your family (by birth or choice)… seek to help them physically, mentally, emotionally… these are the closest people to you in your life and rightfully, should get the majority of your energy and focus. Add value. Offer gifts. Share experiences. Proceed to the next wave only after this wave is satisfied.
Next, carry the ripple outward by taking care of your friends, acquaintances, clients, closest community members, further away societal members, worldly neighbors, etc… offer them what value, gifts, and support you can with what’s left over from above.
Jumping to this step while your family suffers or while your house falls into disarray is backwards. First things first. Get the origins of your ripples in order. Initiate all waves from the core of your being and let the power of the ripple be felt proportionally outward from there. To initiate waves from the other side of the world leaves you with only the tiniest of ripples in return.
…Which only reduces the energy you’ll be able to put into the next one (and so on).
Love; kindness; compassion; contribution; and a commitment to goodness and doing what’s right… this is the rent we pay in exchange for being able to live here on earth. It’s how we pay forward the gift we’ve been given of getting to live on a beautiful planet.
Hate; cruelty; heartlessness; greed; and a commitment to wrongdoing and evil… is to completely abuse this gift and is to trash the very house from which we were gifted to live in. It’s to shed yourself of responsibility, disregard anyone who is to come after, and to selfishly waste resources that could otherwise provide and help sustain continued life.
If there’s one thing you should aim to do throughout your life, it’s to leave this space—this beautiful planet—better than you found it. And we do this every time we pay our rent… which is done in every step we take, every decision we make, and every interaction we partake in… be it monthly, weekly, or daily… in how we chose love over hate, kindness over cruelty, compassion over heartlessness, contribution over greed, and goodness over evil.
Rent’s due.
…And for all of our sake—please don’t be late.
Inner Work Prompt: Are you leaving the world better than you found it? What’s one thing you know you need to do a better job of that you want to start improving?
Whether you want to confront the reality or not: you won’t be here much longer to give your gifts yourself.
And while many people focus heavily on taking for themselves: taking educational classes, taking opportunities, taking trips/vacations, etc… it’s the ones who give back what they’ve gained from the things they’ve taken who get to participate in the pay-it-forward ripple effect.
…The one that begins with a selfless act tossed gracefully into the pond of a local community and causes an invisible series of waves that flow outward for as long as the impacted components are inspired in depth.
And if you ever want to have others give gifts to the world on your behalf, your best strategy is to give abundantly to them now.
Now, obviously, it’s hard to give without first having taken what others and the world have offered to give.
…But, it’s simply naive to think others would continue giving on your behalf if you haven’t offered anything back to others and the world from what you’ve taken.
“Please love your community enough to repair what we broke.”
Kiese Laymon
It can be tempting to say, “Not my fault; not my problem.”
And it can be even more tempting to point fingers at who’s fault it is and talk endlessly about who caused what problems in our community.
Enter mainstream media.
But, it takes real maturity… real character… real strength… to rise above finger pointing, gossip, and blame—and actually do something about the problems at hand.
…Which isn’t to say those at fault shouldn’t be held responsible.
It’s simply to say, don’t waste your time merely talking and pointing.
If it isn’t your job to investigate fault or decide convictions… then don’t. Or at least don’t spend all of your time on it (for those who decide the ones whose job it is to do those things aren’t doing them).
As Kiese says above, choose love instead.
Love your community and the people in it so much that your convictions to change what’s broken rises above the fingers, gossip, and blame.
Love your community and the people in it so much that you volunteer some of your free time from your crazy schedule to help with its improvement.
Love your community and the people in it so much that your focus on it and them drowns out what the finger points, gossipers, and blame-gamers have to say…
…And things actually get better as a result.
P.s. 23 Quotes on Changing the World and How To Start Making a Difference