Category: Being Disciplined

A student of mine—maybe 14 years old—asked me for advice yesterday.

She said, “I need your help. I have absolutely no motivation to do my math homework. Like, zero. I know I need to get it done, but I just can’t get myself to start.”

…Oh how relatable that sentiment is.

What she was essentially asking me was, “How can I be more self-disciplined?”

And isn’t that the million dollar question…

And while I’ve written an entire guide on this, the in-person one minute response was something along the lines of: “Listen. I’ll spare you the obvious reasons that I’m sure you’ve already cycled through your head such as increased knowledge, good grades, college applications, etc. And what I’ve learned from decades of doing things I know I needed to do, even when I *really* didn’t want to do them is that if the innate reasons for doing a task don’t motivate me, I should focus on the long term benefits that come from it—from flexing my discipline muscle—instead. Because no muscle could be more important for long-term success than that one. For what even is success but a lagging indicator of what we did yesterday? And the day before that? And before that one? So instead of focusing on stupid math… focus on this being an opportunity to strengthen some of the most important mental muscles of your life.”

…And off she went to do her math homework.

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Inner Work Prompt: How would you have answered her question?

Once you have a thought that aligns with your comfort-zone-seeking-self… your ego will immediately go to work justifying it.

“I should skip exercise today.”

…To which your ego will delightingly reinforce like a hormone-raging, insecure-trying-to-look-cool, rebellious-against-all-things-good-for-you teenager—and start peer pressuring that thought into existence.

“For sure, you have a headache… better to skip today.”

“Oh, absolutely… don’t want to aggravate that tweak in your shoulder.”

“Definitely… you have so much other work you could get done instead.”

And so forth.

The real pros at self-discipline know this and are excellent at nipping initial comfort-zone-seeking-self-thoughts in the bud.

“I should skip exercise today.”

…To which you have to channel the infinite wisdom of your deeper self and start rebutting that idea like Will Ferrell—a.k.a. Frank the Tank—when he was pitted against Democratic strategist James Carville for the debate event that would save the brothers’ fraternity in the movie Old School.

“Headache? It’ll be good to do what you can so the rest of the body is cared for. Heck, circulation and sweat might even be good for the headache.”

“Shoulder tweak? There are hundreds of other muscles that could be worked on in its place. It’d be foolish to let one tweak stop you from keeping the hundreds of other muscles healthy and well.”

“Other work? What could be more important than taking care of the one true home we’ll ever really get to live in? Nothing, that’s what. Priorities were set; promises were made; word is law; no skipping today.”

Bottom line? Channel your inner Frank the Tank debating skills today and get it done.

One of the best pieces of advice I can offer for building better self-control is to prepare better alternatives.

The thing to understand is that if you say to yourself, “Don’t eat the cookies” the mind doesn’t hear the “don’t”—it just hears “cookies” over and over again.

…And it’ll keep wearing away at your self-control until you cave in.

Better would be to have a solid alternative ready that you can shift your focus to when you need it, on demand. For example, rather than “not eat cookies” being the focus, eat a protein bar with peanut butter on top instead (what I do). Or if you want to control yourself from eating anything additional at all, get into a book or task asap so that your mind can shift away from the thing you’re trying to avoid.

The secret to better self-control is in the speed—the quicker you can begin an alternative, the less willpower you’ll drain and the more you’ll have for other things later.

Another example: today I took a sticky note and wrote at the top, “Instead of socials:” and underneath started a list of things I can do on-demand when I’m feeling lazy and like I want to browse mindlessly. I listed things like “RV” (to search for an upcoming trip), “Posters” (to create for MMQ), “Philly D” (a news show I watch), etc.

Which might sound silly, but is kind of what I need when I’m feeling lazy and mindless. No thinking, just look, type, and go.

Bottom line: when you’re under a spell of desire (cookies, socials, etc), easy is everything… because easy is fast… and fast is the secret.

A student of mine injured herself.

Her doctor recommended she not do any kind of intense physical activity until healed.

Some might hear those words and translate it in their mind as, “Doc said no physical activity” and use it as their golden ticket to laziness via excuse-ville.

Others—like this student of mine who shared her thoughts with me—might hear those words and translate it in their mind as, “Doc said no intense physical activity” and use it as their opportunity to get creative and build resilience.

The former group will likely come out of the injury not only with muscular atrophy, but with habitual/disciplinary/mindset atrophy as well. And have to confront an uphill battle that not only involves weaker muscles, but more problems/weight on their shoulders.

The latter group, the ones who choose to still show up and do what they can with what they have in creative ways may still face muscular atrophy in the injured area. But, will have a much more relaxed incline and less weight on their shoulders because the habits, discipline, and mindsets were all maintained.

The mantra I’ve come to adopt over the years from trying to be a person who’s a part of the latter group is, “There’s always something I can do.”

…I just might not know what that thing is yet because I haven’t evolved to that higher version of myself yet.

…And the same is true for you.

During holidays, it’s typical to excuse self-discipline in the spirit of presence, relaxation, and—of course—indulgence.

We work so damn hard every other day, we deserve to have a day off to just… not do that, eh?

And I am no outlier from this mentality. I skipped my morning workout and spent the whole day lounging around with family, opening gifts, watching football, and eating way more food than what would’ve left me comfortably full.

Today’s post isn’t about not doing that—it’s healthy to balance in a little indulgence on occasion.

Today’s post is a reminder to not turn one day of indulgence into one week (or more) of indulgence.

Because what your ego is going to argue is: it’s pretty much still the holidays… can’t just not eat these leftovers… already this far off track who cares now… might as well just let this ride until the new year hits… I’ve worked hard all year, I deserve this whole week… etc.

And the problem with going from one day to one week off track (or longer) is that you’re going from one blip in your lifestyle to… a whole new lifestyle.

And recovering from a blip is a helluva lot easier than recalibrating a whole new trajectory.

So before you write yourself off for the rest of the year… consider today your new year.

And keep your trajectory calibrated as is before it’s too late.

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One of the most frustrating things about plateaus is the lack of growth… the hair-pulling stagnation… the continued effort minus the measurable results.

And it’s so easy to quit during times of plateau because where you once had progress—one of life’s biggest motivators—you now seem to only have effort. Which, I’ll go ahead and say for the both of us, is a sucky trade.

But, what if I told you you were missing an entire dimension of progress measuring?

See, in today’s society, progress of body and mind are measured almost exclusively.

For body, think: weight lifted, distance travelled, rounds completed, inches around the waist, scales that measure weight, body fat %, BMI charts, and so forth. For mind, think: grades in school, standardized tests, certifications, courses, books read, problems solved, connections made, diplomas earned, and so on.

But, how does one measure the progress of their spirit?

…Not so easily defined, eh?

You might say: ability to meditate or how long a person can endure a cold shower…

But, what about: by measuring how long a person can carry forward when they’ve hit a plateau?

…By doing the work even when it’s hard. By showing up even when the efforts aren’t yielding the same incremental results. By continuing to try their best even when—especially when—it’s easy to quit.

What if effort in spite of progress is precisely how progress is made in the realm of the spirit?

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